tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-34250894866619706462012-01-31T23:36:18.067-05:00"When the tyranny of evil men is beset by the lamb, the dog will rise to vanquish the suitors of the lion." -- I made this upMillions Of Atoms Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09255606669226551060noreply@blogger.comBlogger1491100tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3425089486661970646.post-4741992699794966452011-10-14T09:58:00.002-04:002011-10-14T10:05:58.310-04:00

“The economy is headed straight down the large pipe that carries all human fecal matter into our great oceans.”--Barack ObamaIf that quote doesn’t scare the shit out of you, nothing will. I am nothing if not a realist. There are many people out of work these days; even you. You are out of work. You may not know it yet, but you are. They just haven’t told you yet. You have been fired. Your

Millions Of Atoms Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09255606669226551060noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3425089486661970646.post-88586369937044116412011-10-04T15:58:00.002-04:002011-10-04T16:04:41.848-04:00

How many times has the earth opened up under your feet and expelled hellacious demons and winged creatures screaming the cries of the eternally damned? Zero? Exactly. Will you go sleep in your own bed now?Did you ever have one of those days where you just waltz into your boss’ office and say “Hey baldy, I’d like to let you in on a little secret…*whispering* you had me at…*sob*…expense report.

Millions Of Atoms Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09255606669226551060noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3425089486661970646.post-48297911142253587912011-04-26T11:24:00.003-04:002011-04-26T11:31:02.054-04:00

I’ve been away for a while, it is true. I just got back from a fact finding tour of Las Vegas. I found so many facts. So many. All of the facts revolve around prostitution, autoerotic asphyxiation, prisoner’s rights and jailhouse etiquette. I won’t bore you with the details.I thought it would be a good idea to reintroduce myself with a little Q and A session I recently did with Anderson

Millions Of Atoms Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09255606669226551060noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3425089486661970646.post-52924975231007992902011-02-04T09:16:00.002-05:002011-02-04T09:29:57.151-05:00

Happy '11 everyone! Twenty-eleven. Or two thousand eleven. Or Two. Zero. One. One. for all you computers reading today. So far I have had an eventful new year. I didn't just break my own resolutions, I broke everyone's resolutions in my immediate vicinity. I am like a tornado of resolution breaking strength. A Tsunami (pronounced "Tits-Nami") of resolution eviscerating glory. Anyway, I

Millions Of Atoms Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09255606669226551060noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3425089486661970646.post-59985987596558801252010-12-17T22:06:00.003-05:002010-12-17T22:14:41.765-05:00

-- Barbie Dream Plastic Surgery Operating Room Playset. Complete with real silicone! Stick-on scar tissue! Inflatable breast balloons! Ken Psychiatry Outfit with comfy couch!-- A REALLY smartphone. No, a GENIUS-phone. I want a phone that automatically calls people that I’m thinking about or that I may have dreamed about one night and then tells me why. “Hey! I didn’t want to call my

Millions Of Atoms Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09255606669226551060noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3425089486661970646.post-76553810397104701082010-12-03T10:10:00.003-05:002010-12-03T10:13:41.713-05:00

If Mr. Peanut came tip tapping into your house with his top hat and cane, would you join him in an impromptu tap dance routine, or would you crack that nut and make Mr. Peanut Butter?When stars fall from the sky, do you chase them running through moonlit wheat fields to see where they landed, or do you just wait for one to land on your house and put an end to your miserable existence? Hey, cheer

Millions Of Atoms Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09255606669226551060noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3425089486661970646.post-56734576789826445402010-11-15T18:38:00.003-05:002010-11-15T18:51:48.854-05:00

Bicwwig.Meet my new work motto. It applies to everything I do each minute that I do it. The Best I Can With What I Got.I manage a team of three bodies. I say bodies, because they breathe and are alive.Otherwise? Bicwwig.I gave one of the dudes an assignment to copy some files from one server to another. The files got copied all right. Right into the recycle bin. I fired a ninja throwing

Millions Of Atoms Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09255606669226551060noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3425089486661970646.post-10964524946499490652010-11-08T13:38:00.001-05:002010-11-08T13:40:01.177-05:00

I went to a birthday party with my kids this past weekend. It was at a place called “Bounce U” which is basically just a few huge rooms with giant inflatable slides and bouncy things. Oh, and screeching kids. It has that too. It also has snot and crying kids. And pizza. One of the workers there was a 20 year old girl with a “smartphone” and a giant head. ‘Was the head inflatable?’ he asked

Millions Of Atoms Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09255606669226551060noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3425089486661970646.post-42271038890992710682010-10-18T20:01:00.004-04:002010-10-18T20:15:48.069-04:00

I know, haven't been around lately. It's the dog days of Autumn and a tornado ate my homework. My keyboard got stolen. My laptop ran away. My house got sick. Er.I've turned into one of those thumb-typing smartphone-absorbed parents that I hate. I'm kind of embarrassed about that. I'm going to Droid rehab for the next two months. They make you write letters and actually sit and talk to

Millions Of Atoms Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09255606669226551060noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3425089486661970646.post-19652858563354590652010-09-16T14:38:00.004-04:002010-09-16T15:41:13.405-04:00

Quick mini-rant here:Lotus Notes is an email software developed by IBM that we use at my company. It was made out of granite and fire in 1723 and hasn't been upgraded since then. I tried to attach an Excel spreadsheet to an email and gunpowder fell out of the screen. It's old.Anyway, I was tippy typing away on an important memo today about very important coroporate-type stuff and I happened

Millions Of Atoms Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09255606669226551060noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3425089486661970646.post-16990818573716604452010-09-14T10:34:00.002-04:002010-09-15T09:36:26.271-04:00

I have cheated on you twenty-five times in the past ten years. That works out to under three times a year, which is well below the national average.That’s How Much I Love YouI went to see Twilight with you and disguised my vomiting by putting my entire head inside the super sized popcorn bucket so you could still enjoy looking at Taylor Lautner’s abs.That’s How Much I Love YouI opened a checking

Millions Of Atoms Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09255606669226551060noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3425089486661970646.post-36792256708969153132010-09-13T00:01:00.000-04:002010-09-13T00:01:01.005-04:00

Well, it appears as though someone besides my therapist is reading this blog. I have been named "Blogger of Note" at Words of Wisdom! Needless to say, I am humbled and very appreciative. There are tons of great blogs featured there all the time, you should go check the site out.For any new readers who get caught in this verbal bear trap: Welcome. You will find after seconds of reading the

Millions Of Atoms Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09255606669226551060noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3425089486661970646.post-77797933479966857592010-09-09T09:20:00.002-04:002010-09-09T09:23:42.212-04:00

And so during the End of Days, a great fire came down upon the Earth. And that fire started many smaller fires. And those smaller fires started many little campfires. Everyone had little isolated cookouts and ate many bratwursts and hot dogs and hamburgers and drank copious amounts of beer while trying to ignore the raging inferno that started the whole thing. True to form, America ate more

Millions Of Atoms Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09255606669226551060noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3425089486661970646.post-48518571664160315592010-08-13T11:13:00.002-04:002010-08-13T11:16:48.457-04:00

When the Angels return triumphantly from the fields of Holy Battle, they will probably get drunk that very same night. If you don’t want any Holy trouble, just stay home. Drunk Angels are constantly looking for fights and usually end up vomiting on God’s sandals. I don’t need to tell you how pissed He gets when that happens. Ever see a solar eclipse? That is God in the middle of a

Millions Of Atoms Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09255606669226551060noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3425089486661970646.post-52208822443301438122010-08-06T10:07:00.007-04:002010-08-06T10:13:25.820-04:00

When someone tells you to “put that in your pipe and smoke it” do you reply with ‘Well I already did that last night…except…except the pipe was your butt and the…thing that…you want me to smoke was your mom…in your butt.’? You really have to work on your comebacks, compadre.Do crowded malls make you think of how commercialism has completely taken over our culture; falsely implanting thoughts

Millions Of Atoms Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09255606669226551060noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3425089486661970646.post-46747139648525710942010-08-02T13:28:00.009-04:002010-08-02T13:56:30.594-04:00

I decided today, after many long hours of contemplation, that I am a “torso man”. I love a long torso; at least a 3:1 torso to leg ratio. Please post your ratios so I know what I’m dealing with here. My wife has an amazing ratio, which is why I married her of course. No other reason. It’s important, OK? If your ratio is sub-standard, there are many stretching exercises you can do. Work on

Millions Of Atoms Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09255606669226551060noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3425089486661970646.post-77616909982526971882010-07-22T11:16:00.006-04:002010-07-22T11:37:28.220-04:00

I hope you were paying attention during the last class. Today's lesson is much more advanced and in general much more important than the introductory class. To review, musical artists sometimes hide hidden meanings and philosophical commentary in the lyrics of their songs. This class will attempt to extract those meanings and make you better people in the process. Open your ears, close your

Millions Of Atoms Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09255606669226551060noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3425089486661970646.post-73499651278641144942010-07-15T13:48:00.007-04:002010-07-15T14:01:01.861-04:00

I wrote this post a while back about phrases and common sayings that I have grown to hate or that just generally confuse me. I came up with a few more. In keeping with the tradition of making 99 percent of blog posts on the internet about things that bother people (I put in a request to rename it the “Bother-net”) here are some choice words and prhases that bother me. I am not excluding myself

Millions Of Atoms Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09255606669226551060noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3425089486661970646.post-27693184002817789642010-07-14T09:22:00.002-04:002010-07-14T09:24:24.745-04:00

Hold hands with Jesus whilst you walk the path of enlightenment. If ye chose to not hold hands, ye could get hurt. And make sure ye look both ways before crossing the road of the damned. Hey, don’t let go of Jesus’ hand! HOLD HANDS WITH JESUS! That’s it I’m taking all of your coloring books and crayons away! I SAID HOLD HANDS! Fine, get run over by a chariot, see if I care! WHY WON”T YOU

Millions Of Atoms Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09255606669226551060noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3425089486661970646.post-71608849827309199172010-07-12T09:22:00.002-04:002010-07-12T09:29:46.217-04:00

I haven’t written about my kids in a while, so let’s remedy that. I have three year old twins. One boy, one girl. Or two gender non-specific demons, whichever way you want to count. My daughter has lately taken to saying things like “I don’t like your voice!” and then frowning at me very dramatically; usually when I’m asking her to do something she doesn’t want to do. The odd part about this

Millions Of Atoms Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09255606669226551060noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3425089486661970646.post-82709343379847541562010-07-08T11:10:00.003-04:002010-07-08T15:12:21.882-04:00

Millions Of Atoms Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09255606669226551060noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3425089486661970646.post-10149419789050568502010-07-01T14:31:00.008-04:002010-07-01T14:55:33.413-04:00

She got me. This bloggin' lady 'tagged' me with some questions that I have to answer. Then I tag some other people and they have to answer my questions, ad infinitum. Look, I know "tag" is slang for "sex" in some cultures, but this is a family establishment. Knock it off. Now pardon me while I tag five other people in approximately 2 minutes. Hey, grow up!1. When was the last time you

Millions Of Atoms Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09255606669226551060noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3425089486661970646.post-16747181766145382612010-06-28T15:01:00.007-04:002010-06-28T15:20:44.875-04:00

Yes, ladies and gentle...ladies (and Dan). It is time for more letters from around the globe from my adoring readers. My mailman finally allowed me to take a picture of his smiling face today (see left).He looks happy because he isn't wearing any pants. *cue dramatic detective music* Needless to say, I was taken aback by what he pulled out of his mail sack today. Have you ever been taken

Millions Of Atoms Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09255606669226551060noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3425089486661970646.post-39624071045829845782010-06-24T15:43:00.004-04:002010-06-25T15:11:52.255-04:00

Super Happy Fun TimeIt's that time again: iPhone day. iPhone 4 burst onto the scene today as iPhone 3 is all like "What happened to us?" iPhone 5 is doing 'roids and saying "I will time travel. I assure you. I will."I want you to click the link above and take a close look at the accompanying picture. A line of people that streches to infinity of the most miserable looking people you will

Millions Of Atoms Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09255606669226551060noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3425089486661970646.post-87190592795796891602010-06-24T09:45:00.005-04:002010-06-24T09:48:33.885-04:00

There came to pass a gathering of all Angels in Heaven. During this gathering, one Angel brought some spectacular weed and every other Angel at the gathering commenced to getting totally baked. After three hours of debauchery too sordid to be repeated here in this scripture, God showed up and laid a Holy whipping on every Angel in his sight. From that day on, all Angels flew with a limp and

Millions Of Atoms Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09255606669226551060noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3425089486661970646.post-563069472151599702010-06-16T11:18:00.003-04:002010-06-16T11:21:57.041-04:00

I am sure most of you watched President Obama’s speech last night from the Oval Office about the BP Oil disaster in the Gulf of Mexico. I thought the speech was serviceable, but I felt there was definitely not enough cursing. Not one fist slam on the desk either, which was regrettable. I actually submitted a speech for the White House to consider using last night. They regretfully declined.

Millions Of Atoms Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09255606669226551060noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3425089486661970646.post-15055133791916997582010-06-15T14:43:00.003-04:002010-06-15T14:49:14.605-04:00

Mr. and Mrs. Freemantle get the good news over the phone that they have been chosen to appear on a new reality show called “Everything’s Coming Up Babies!” The show deals with the months leading up to the birth of a new baby (or babies). Part of the process involves a home interview with the happy couple, who at this time are 7 months along and expecting quadruplets. Mrs. Freemantle, Judy, is

Millions Of Atoms Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09255606669226551060noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3425089486661970646.post-86243972961483633362010-06-04T16:28:00.002-04:002010-06-04T16:33:35.070-04:00

I work in an office. I think I have mentioned this before. I work in the kind of office that you picture in your head when you hear the word “office”: Rows of cubicles with grey walls and little windows. Some of the walls have jaunty decorations with lots of pictures of the kids thrown in for good measure. Around the holidays, everyone expresses their “individuality” by putting up little

Millions Of Atoms Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09255606669226551060noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3425089486661970646.post-74733733084636472492010-06-01T09:03:00.006-04:002010-06-01T09:10:59.373-04:00

When Pluto got demoted from “ninth planet in the solar system” to “non-planet”, do you think Neptune gave it the finger every time they passed each other in orbit, or would Neptune be the kind of planet that would send flowers and be sympathetic? Actually I think Neptune realizes that it’s next if it doesn’t shape up, so it’s probably on its best behavior right now.When dogs walk backwards, do

Millions Of Atoms Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09255606669226551060noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3425089486661970646.post-64536128127038830062010-05-13T09:52:00.002-04:002010-05-13T09:56:24.039-04:00

Millions Of Atoms Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09255606669226551060noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3425089486661970646.post-59474739597700879402010-05-10T10:39:00.003-04:002010-05-10T10:43:24.626-04:00

Dear Panasonic MT-500X432WQYou and I have had some good times together. Remember that time I was sick for a week and you played the first five seasons of LOST for me? That was a great time. Remember all the pornography? Remember that time where I ate half a bag of mushrooms and I played the “Yo Gabba Gabba” DVD 342 times consecutively? Or that other time when I watched "The Notebook" and

Millions Of Atoms Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09255606669226551060noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3425089486661970646.post-41305729746634365492010-05-03T13:07:00.002-04:002010-05-03T13:11:01.869-04:00

I know we all have read and heard the famous statistic that is thrown around often by people afraid to get married or recently divorced people, or angry people, or constipated people, or people who just comically fell on a cactus and make a bug-eyed cartoon face and say ‘Yowwwwwww’.“You know, fifty percent of all marriages end in divorce! So, I don’t know why anyone does it. I mean, really.

Millions Of Atoms Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09255606669226551060noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3425089486661970646.post-85814653237952893732010-04-26T13:30:00.002-04:002010-04-26T13:33:38.559-04:00

It is written that the unicorns and rainbows will unite to form a perfect union of shade and light. And the Elephants will wear top hats and dance to the sounds of Duke Ellington and his Orchestra while Monkeys keep time with firecrackers. Yay though the grass speaks in tounges and the trees bend with the weight of Gorilla poop, the heathens and the chosen few will dance like Kevin Bacon in

Millions Of Atoms Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09255606669226551060noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3425089486661970646.post-47195291521689732542010-04-21T11:13:00.005-04:002010-04-21T11:21:10.568-04:00

I admit, I have been inspired lately by country music. I started writing my own country ballad last night, and I think I have a hit on my hands. I think that’s what is on my hands *looking closely at my hands*. Anyway, here are the lyrics to the next “Song of the Year” at the 2010 Grammys. You heard it here first.*****************************Jesus, Hold My BallsVERSE:In the dark and lonely

Millions Of Atoms Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09255606669226551060noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3425089486661970646.post-56770270000533265492010-04-08T11:29:00.000-04:002010-04-08T11:29:59.850-04:00

1. I’m a wild bitch when I get anywhere near a Donkey Kong arcade machine. 2. The toes on my left foot all bend toward the south no matter where I’m standing. The toes on my right foot don’t bend at all. The toes on my hands bend on their own, all the time. I didn’t get a lot of dates in high school. 3. I have a tattoo of a bull’s eye on my left butt cheek. That serves as a reminder to all

Millions Of Atoms Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09255606669226551060noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3425089486661970646.post-69210328327890101062010-03-24T14:11:00.001-04:002010-03-24T14:11:44.703-04:00

Letters keep coming in, so I must share with you dear readers. This batch is particularly interesting as none of them arrived with death threats or anthrax. A refreshing change, to say the least (and I do like to say the least of all people I know). As always, these are letters from all over the universe from people who mostly can't stand the sight of my fat face. Dear Friend, How many times

Millions Of Atoms Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09255606669226551060noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3425089486661970646.post-8197293039677184632010-03-22T10:24:00.002-04:002010-03-22T10:27:16.291-04:00

And in the darkest hour, it was revealed to the brothers Cain and Abel by God that they would be hosting Christmas this year. Amidst much griping and sorrow, the brothers began to clean their cottage, putting aside their many differences for the time being. While cleaning, their puppy left a not so small crap in the middle of the kitchen floor. The brothers examined it and realized that the

Millions Of Atoms Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09255606669226551060noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3425089486661970646.post-68651754940064067892010-03-18T15:42:00.005-04:002010-03-18T15:51:03.237-04:00

Millions Of Atoms Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09255606669226551060noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3425089486661970646.post-20782340996959791512010-03-16T16:01:00.009-04:002010-04-08T16:27:31.219-04:00

We don’t get along, barbers and I. I view walking into a barbershop the same way Clint Eastwood probably feels in every western he ever made when he’s walking down that prototypical dusty main street and tumbleweed bounces across his path. At the other end of the street is the villain (barber) holding his six shooters (scissors and comb). Clint says: “This town ain’t big enough for the both

Millions Of Atoms Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09255606669226551060noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3425089486661970646.post-70238162796610569192010-03-12T15:39:00.008-05:002010-03-12T15:49:16.395-05:00

Millions Of Atoms Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09255606669226551060noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3425089486661970646.post-30634920175273928232010-03-09T09:41:00.004-05:002010-03-09T09:43:46.032-05:00

1. In a crowded public place, turn towards a particularly large group of people, shout “Hey Joey!” and start walking toward the crowd smiling. Instead of stopping and greeting someone, just keep walking and looking into the distance saying “Joey! How are you! Wow!” until you are completely through the crowd. Just keep on walking. You would be amazed at some of the reactions you get. Some

Millions Of Atoms Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09255606669226551060noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3425089486661970646.post-33487215347188563652010-03-03T14:26:00.005-05:002010-03-03T14:36:19.920-05:00

Welcome to Lyrics Analysis Master Class where I will be your guide through the somewhat baffling world of popular music lyrics. Many modern artists embed hidden meanings and riddles in every lyric they write, forming a varied and rich tapestry of delight in their songs. In this class, I will take some excerpts from these popular songs and attempt to decipher the true meaning behind what has

Millions Of Atoms Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09255606669226551060noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3425089486661970646.post-78769796398642913642010-02-24T12:02:00.014-05:002010-02-24T15:45:50.029-05:00

The FreeCreditReport.com band needs to go away now and play somewhere else. Please hang it up. Those smirky bobbing heads make me break out in “bad band hives” every time they pop up on my TV screen. Catchy? Maybe. I'm sure they were a real band once with real band dreams and real band songs. Now they are homoerotic clowns. How about FreeSmirkRemoval..dot…web…dot net… ********************

Millions Of Atoms Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09255606669226551060noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3425089486661970646.post-65298665664307775352010-02-17T11:00:00.004-05:002010-02-17T11:04:57.074-05:00

Why is it that my car is constantly driving itself to a strip club called “The Pumpkin Patch” all by itself with me in the driver’s seat? And who put a stack of a hundred dollar bills in my pocket? God, are you there, it’s me Margaret.Who came up with the phrase ‘Get off my lawn or I’ll slap a restraining order on you so fast your head will spin’? I find it to be such a whimsical phrase, with

Millions Of Atoms Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09255606669226551060noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3425089486661970646.post-8036437802697439392010-02-09T10:58:00.003-05:002010-02-09T11:00:58.973-05:00

I live in New Jersey. This past weekend we had a little snowstorm. Our part of NJ was forecast to get 3-6 inches, and ended up with about that much. I want to give you a kind of timeline in the evolution of a “Blizzard” in my part of the world. All timelines are approximate. All insanity is real. 5:00 pm BB (Before Blizzard): Watching TV, the newscasters start yammering on about blizzards

Millions Of Atoms Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09255606669226551060noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3425089486661970646.post-48264908111529091612010-02-01T15:04:00.003-05:002010-03-03T16:32:50.700-05:00

Someone told me the Grammy Awards were handed out last night. I stopped watching these quite some time ago. I do still like to watch the Oscar awards only because Actors are some of the looniest people on earth and more often than not they give good speeches. Can anyone explain awards shows to me? Specifically, why awards are given out for things that are subjective? For example, here are

Millions Of Atoms Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09255606669226551060noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3425089486661970646.post-83171495364234438592010-01-27T10:20:00.003-05:002010-01-27T10:24:55.343-05:00

In an effort to encourage good relations between France and the United States, the French Government has gifted a 300 foot tall statue of Jesus Christ to the mostly Christian nation. The statue screams the Ten Commandments every 30 seconds via 7 loudspeakers hidden in the statue’s crown of thorns. The statue was delivered in the middle of the night last Monday and placed on a small outcropping

Millions Of Atoms Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09255606669226551060noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3425089486661970646.post-26134552186812138882010-01-21T09:01:00.011-05:002010-01-21T09:09:42.707-05:00

We are back with some more letters from my faithful followers. My mailman and I patched up our differences and I found that he had a whole stack of letters that he had been withholding. He then tried to give me an awkward hug which I immediately shunned and responded by shoving him into a compost heap. This may be the last batch of letters for a while… Dear Horseface,You have the face and

Millions Of Atoms Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09255606669226551060noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3425089486661970646.post-70422835820711694302010-01-18T10:20:00.003-05:002010-01-18T10:27:44.745-05:00

There are times in life where you can hear only the punch line of a joke, without hearing the actual joke, and it is just as funny as hearing the entire joke. For instance, I present this classic:Rectum, damn near killed him!That one still makes me laugh even without hearing the whole setup before it. I present some more for your reading pleasure. For some extra enjoyment, I think it will help

Millions Of Atoms Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09255606669226551060noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3425089486661970646.post-20673462383464704502010-01-14T10:04:00.006-05:002010-01-14T10:12:31.918-05:00

For my 100th post, I’m going to open a little window for you and let you see me as a sixth grader. Picture this. A boy walks around the corner. He is approximately 9 feet 3 inches tall. He wears glasses so thick that you could see into the future with them. His teeth are made out of metal (actually covered in braces that appear to be made from the same material they used when building

Millions Of Atoms Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09255606669226551060noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3425089486661970646.post-14078246711073302992010-01-07T13:35:00.004-05:002010-01-07T13:39:08.380-05:00

If I click my heels together three times and say “There’s no place like home” over and over again while wearing my ruby slippers, do you think the neighbors could ignore the fact that I just dumped an entire bucket of paint on their dog...and that I’m wearing ruby slippers while doing yard work?If five knuckles make a fist, and ten knuckles make a beat down, then what do two feet equal? A Mr.

Millions Of Atoms Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09255606669226551060noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3425089486661970646.post-31824443735926044202010-01-05T09:27:00.002-05:002010-01-05T09:30:36.903-05:00

I decided to write a post today on the unusual topic of “New Year Resolutions.” I’m sure you have never read a post like this before, especially at this time of year. Besides the standard resolutions of “Lose Weight”, “Stop Smoking” and “No more robbing the elderly” here are some of my other resolutions. I am resolved to resolute these resolutions by year’s end, and the resolutions shall

Millions Of Atoms Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09255606669226551060noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3425089486661970646.post-68428193956532360392009-12-22T09:57:00.005-05:002009-12-22T10:50:14.268-05:00

I wish that I never hear another Tiger Woods “hole in one” joke. Why couldn’t Tiger have been a bowler? Oh, 7-10 split. Never mind.I wish that laughter really was the best medicine because this cough syrup tastes like distilled ass.I wish that the secretary on the public address system here at work would stop saying “decks” instead of “desk”.I wish that the Webster’s dictionary people would

Millions Of Atoms Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09255606669226551060noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3425089486661970646.post-83373620820991771162009-12-10T09:29:00.005-05:002009-12-22T15:27:50.355-05:00

They finally did it, those magnificent bastards. MTV finally produced the show of all shows. After years of failed attempts, you did it MTV! I’m ecstatic for you! I collapsed weeping in my cocoa pebbles this morning with sheer joy for you.The Jersey ShoreThe cast couldn’t be more perfect, the setting more idyllic, or the hijinx more risqué (hey now, look out!). I happened to get a list of

Millions Of Atoms Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09255606669226551060noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3425089486661970646.post-37931621005311744452009-12-07T10:37:00.000-05:002009-12-07T10:38:58.014-05:00

On the 12th day of the 12th month in the 12th year after the equinox rises over the hills of the sun king, you will text “LOL” to your brother and then despair at your laziness. You could have easily called him, laughed out loud, and hung up the phone. Whatever happened to personal contact? Amen and Godspeed, lightning-fingers.

Millions Of Atoms Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09255606669226551060noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3425089486661970646.post-45070580113404739742009-12-04T11:45:00.002-05:002009-12-04T11:48:50.661-05:00

And now, a public service announcement:In this holiday time of giving and charity, you should know a little something about the country you live in. There are people suffering. Right now. Right down the street from where I live. Maybe right down the street from where you live, in your neighborhood. In your community.There are over ten million babies with no parents to watch over them in the

Millions Of Atoms Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09255606669226551060noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3425089486661970646.post-72880580222725673832009-12-01T09:32:00.001-05:002009-12-01T09:34:13.995-05:00

The angels searched low and high for a suitable replacement for Oprah. They reached the highest mountaintops and the lowest valleys of heaven and still no one could be found. Finally, a tiny angel stood and said “Let it be me.” The angels thought long and hard about this and asked many questions:“Will you give away free things?”“Will you cause housewives to faint at the mere mention of said

Millions Of Atoms Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09255606669226551060noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3425089486661970646.post-13329489972080792522009-11-25T14:38:00.003-05:002009-11-25T16:10:05.938-05:00

Does this midget make my ass look big? Did you ever pull into the fast lane on the highway and just hope to God that your car goes faster than the speed of light so you can time travel and go back to this morning when you ate a cold piece of pizza with Oreos and sardines on it (you may or may not have been high) and sit down and have a heart to heart with yourself about eating ridiculous crap,

Millions Of Atoms Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09255606669226551060noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3425089486661970646.post-1915105528074791982009-11-20T14:46:00.007-05:002010-03-03T16:33:49.509-05:00

From CNN:Arrests made in human fat ring in PeruNot for nothing, but it must have been easy to find? Are ya with me? High five!This is my favorite quote from the small article:"The fat was sold in Peru and Europe and used for commercial purposes, Peruvian officials said."Commercial purposes? Peru and Europe have an overwhelming demand for human fat for commercial purposes? What is going on

Millions Of Atoms Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09255606669226551060noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3425089486661970646.post-2383003292118233612009-11-19T09:48:00.008-05:002009-11-19T09:56:34.500-05:00

When I was in sixth grade, I had to write a report on one of the nine planets in our Solar System. There were more than nine of us in the class, so some planets would obviously have to be repeated. Except one planet. Yes, that one.And guess where I was on “planet picking day”? Home sick. So, lucky me, I had the honor of writing a long report on … Uranus. Get it? Uranus? Like “Your” “Anus”

Millions Of Atoms Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09255606669226551060noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3425089486661970646.post-63381680787784177792009-11-16T11:17:00.004-05:002009-11-16T11:21:03.240-05:00

A rhythmic pounding is heard coming from the garage of an enormous mansion in the English countryside. It is the unmistakable sound of drums rolling along in a repetitive loop. With a loud crash from a cymbal, the drumming stops abruptly followed by low murmurs broken by occasional exclamations. Just then, the door to the garage bursts open and Ringo Starr explodes out of the enclosure.“It’s

Millions Of Atoms Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09255606669226551060noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3425089486661970646.post-3277066051056020552009-11-05T09:35:00.001-05:002009-11-05T09:36:47.563-05:00

Facebook is a fickle mistress. She changes her looks every month or so and spawns countless groups with names like:“If you hate the new FACEBOOK, sign THIS PETITION!”“Why did Facebook change? If you can’t stand it and throw up at the sight of it, join now!”“Does Facebook’s new layout give you explosive diarrhea? Join this group!”“GRR! UGLY FACEBOOK! JOIN!”“Me no like it! Facebook ugly site!

Millions Of Atoms Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09255606669226551060noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3425089486661970646.post-38114418068502472472009-11-03T08:54:00.003-05:002009-11-03T09:01:06.632-05:00

The letters just keep coming, and I am grateful for every one of them. Not to mention the fact that most people use e-mail nowadays, but to take the time to write out a hand-written letter. That is Love. To be fair, I’m assuming you are all using your hands. Without further ado (because there has been far too much ado already) here are your letters!Dear Sexpot,I would love to star in one of

Millions Of Atoms Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09255606669226551060noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3425089486661970646.post-61162984127009405272009-10-30T11:07:00.002-04:002009-10-30T11:14:55.184-04:00

I went to Starbucks the other day, and I looked at the menu. I was all like "Latte? Why don't you just call it 'Large' like everywhere else? I mean like...*snort*...come on. And, uh, why are the um, pillows on airplanes so, um, small. Pillows are usually bigger. In beds. Um. *crickets*

Millions Of Atoms Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09255606669226551060noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3425089486661970646.post-65932849590239815772009-10-29T11:36:00.001-04:002009-10-29T11:38:40.142-04:00

I just wrote a 5,000 word essay on the minutiae of Cell Phones and their various ringtones and then realized that I have nothing interesting to say. Today. Tomorrow is a new day. Wait, something is coming. Hold on…Hey, what’s the deal with *67? Why isn’t it *007 to scare people and uh…Forget it. Store’s closed. Nothing to see here.

Millions Of Atoms Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09255606669226551060noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3425089486661970646.post-29357943448050444802009-10-26T11:03:00.010-04:002009-10-26T11:16:34.530-04:00

Get ready. I am about to blow your mind. For free. Are you ready? You don’t look ready. You definitely aren’t dressed like you are ready. Is that how you are planning to wear your hair for this? You have no idea how incredible this will be, so I think you should be prepared. Are you sure? Those shoes? Really? I’m talking apocalyptic news here. If you want to go with that jacket /

Millions Of Atoms Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09255606669226551060noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3425089486661970646.post-36623665755223661282009-10-23T10:30:00.000-04:002009-10-23T10:31:37.471-04:00

And so, in the great Movie Theater of Heaven, it came to pass that there was a midnight showing of “Leprechaun in the Hood (working title: Leprechaun in da Hood)”. The angels and archangels and prophets and such all gathered in front of the great golden movie screen watched in silence. God arrived late (as usual) and sat in the back row noisily crunching away on some popcorn. God leaned over

Millions Of Atoms Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09255606669226551060noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3425089486661970646.post-87746026801065993392009-10-20T10:10:00.006-04:002009-10-20T10:25:17.853-04:00

A co-worker cheerily came up to me today and said "Whatcha havin for breakfast, Champ?"I said, "Fuck You Charms. They're magically awful."Yes, it was totally uncalled for. Especially since I was eating a bagel. I'm no champ, so don't treat me as such. I'm not even a contender today, maybe top 50. Maybe. So I continued down the hallway and another co-worker innocently asked for the time of

Millions Of Atoms Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09255606669226551060noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3425089486661970646.post-88521110879440417002009-10-15T10:10:00.005-04:002009-10-15T10:15:06.194-04:00

This is the first entry in my new popular series: Products that sound like they could kill you but in actuality add a certain degree of femininity to your life. Here is the Wikipedia definition of “Bath Bomb”A bath bomb, one form of bath fizzie, is a bolus which, when placed in bath water, dissolves partly or completely and effervesces, also in some cases adding scent, color, and/or other

Millions Of Atoms Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09255606669226551060noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3425089486661970646.post-34111908262903308792009-10-12T11:07:00.007-04:002009-10-12T11:14:39.611-04:00

Tom Johnson walks confidently into the office of Bill Richardson, CEO of Diatzu Motors. Tom is looking to be hired as a high level executive in the business.“Hi Tom, I’m Bill Richardson. I’ll be conducting your interview today.” Bill says, extending his hand to Tom.“Thanks Bill. Can I call you Bill?”“Uh yes, that is my name.”“Can I call you Will? Like Willy Will? Like Willy Mo Pena? Billy

Millions Of Atoms Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09255606669226551060noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3425089486661970646.post-55775184618159707332009-10-09T14:43:00.004-04:002009-10-09T14:48:57.447-04:00

On the tenth night of the tenth month, the weary travelers reached the Kingdom of Gold. They immediately complained about their tired feet, and the walls being too bright, and why is everything so shiny, and yadda yadda yadda, bitch bitch bitch. God threw an apple at them and said “Ye are in the Kingdom of Gold! Can’t ye just be content with knowing that no mortal soul has ever seen these

Millions Of Atoms Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09255606669226551060noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3425089486661970646.post-61222012540506992912009-10-01T11:07:00.004-04:002009-10-01T11:12:35.820-04:00

Reality TV shows have really been leaning towards contestants with a “story” rather than just normal every day people. “The Amazing Race” has a contestant with “Asperger syndrome”, two Harlem Globetrotters, and one of the contestants has no arms, legs, eyes or heart (or fashion sense, OMG LOL). He was eliminated before the show started due to “inadequate sense of direction and lack of blood

Millions Of Atoms Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09255606669226551060noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3425089486661970646.post-14756185545897766622009-09-28T11:37:00.001-04:002009-09-28T11:38:14.190-04:00

I think it is time we retired the term “F-Bomb” commonly used when describing the “F-Word” (Franks, as in Franks and Beans, oh, excuse me, “F-bombs” and beans). “I just ate 17 F-bombs tonight and they all had mustard!”“Man, I can’t believe there aren’t any F-bombs at this barbeque!”“Who the Fuck put this F-bomb in the middle of my salad?”I know you want to temper the impact of this explosive

Millions Of Atoms Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09255606669226551060noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3425089486661970646.post-74456943016073750402009-09-25T15:16:00.003-04:002009-09-25T15:18:27.639-04:00

I just wanted everyone to see the new "picture face" I will be making in every photgraph taken of me from this day forward:Awesome. Totally Awesome.

Millions Of Atoms Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09255606669226551060noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3425089486661970646.post-82039022065803966132009-09-24T10:09:00.003-04:002009-09-25T15:18:43.825-04:00

It is true. Famous people from all over the world travel here via the Internetweb to read what I have to say about things. Why, even now, I bet they are reading and waiting to comment on this...

Millions Of Atoms Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09255606669226551060noreply@blogger.com13tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3425089486661970646.post-81090673535617946342009-09-22T14:35:00.002-04:002009-09-22T14:38:31.183-04:00

If Superman flew up to the moon and took it with him to all the other planets, smashing little pieces of it to make new moons for all the other planets, will you ever go on a date with an actual woman?When you send a letter using the Pony Express, do you get completely frustrated when the letter always comes back to you 30 seconds later undelivered? Do you realize that isn’t the Pony Express, it

Millions Of Atoms Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09255606669226551060noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3425089486661970646.post-10976452727848791622009-09-15T15:18:00.000-04:002009-09-15T15:19:22.396-04:00

And in the fiery aftermath of the Apocalypse, a new race will be born: A breed of half man, half Fireman which would basically just look like a regular Fireman since they are half man already by their nature. And these new half-breeds will put out all the fires and then hang around their Firehouses drinking beer and washing their fire trucks over and over and over and over again. Praise to

Millions Of Atoms Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09255606669226551060noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3425089486661970646.post-57796484932300499492009-09-08T10:14:00.001-04:002009-09-08T10:14:59.764-04:00

And so it came to pass that the Trees became the tallest natural creation on Earth. And the Trees stood tall and strong for many Millennia. That is, until God created lightning and Trees started getting zapped and burned to the ground. The Trees tried to kind of bend over and not be so tall any more, but God immediately reprimanded them: “Stand tall and proud, ye Trees of God! Stop slouching

Millions Of Atoms Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09255606669226551060noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3425089486661970646.post-52927819161811441802009-09-02T11:51:00.000-04:002009-09-02T11:52:18.256-04:00

“The Bus” has finally ground to a halt due to upwards of one billion human bodies being thrown under it while moving. “The Train” reports no problems and continues to run unimpeded. “The Boat” is all like ‘What about me?’ The “Horse and Buggy” have retired.

Millions Of Atoms Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09255606669226551060noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3425089486661970646.post-36402850327397037022009-08-28T10:44:00.002-04:002009-10-13T11:04:00.088-04:00

I have been contacted by Harvard University to give the Commencement Address at their 2010 graduation ceremony. I naturally declined at first due to prior commitments (eating, sleeping, slapping old ladies for sassin’ me and fudge). After hours of agonizing thought (sleep) I finally relented and over the past few months I’ve been working on my first draft. Here is what I have so far:Dear

Millions Of Atoms Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09255606669226551060noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3425089486661970646.post-9774860383862227242009-08-25T10:10:00.001-04:002009-10-16T15:54:26.894-04:00

Is there any other word in the English language that annoys me more than ‘Methinks’? Methinks not. ‘Anywhoo’, ‘Whatnot’, ‘Hinky’, ‘Oprah’ and ‘Theresnomorefudge’ all run a close second, but ‘Methinks’ takes the cake. What is with all of these people running around like Ye Olde English Barons using ‘Methinks’ like they are on their way to a medieval crowning ceremony? “Methinks my DVR has not

Millions Of Atoms Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09255606669226551060noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3425089486661970646.post-54687729140660401292009-08-20T11:21:00.003-04:002009-08-20T11:23:59.788-04:00

It was a quiet Sunday morning. I was sitting at the breakfast table with my son and my daughter; all of us eating breakfast together. My children are two and a half years old and talking more and more every day. They were chit-chatting about what they were eating, the fact that it was sunny outside, they spotted a deer on the lawn and got excited and started yelling about animals. But then,

Millions Of Atoms Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09255606669226551060noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3425089486661970646.post-46637014558759882312009-08-18T14:52:00.002-04:002009-08-18T14:55:37.148-04:00

“I could care less”Could ya? This is actually a statement of how middle of the road you currently are. I could care more, I could care less, I’m basically right in the middle. In its essence, it is a ‘nothing’ statement. If you are trying to tell me how utterly indifferent you are, you are leaving the window open for actually caring less than you do, so it isn’t all that definitive now is it?

Millions Of Atoms Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09255606669226551060noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3425089486661970646.post-18257907540560581672009-08-13T10:30:00.003-04:002009-10-23T11:32:18.288-04:00

Well, after I published some letters from real American folks a few weeks ago, the response was overwhelming. I got even more letters and emails than ever before! My mailman threw them at me and tried to choke me because his back hurt from carrying them all (I don’t even know how he carried the e-mails! OMG!). I pinched his fat little cheek and said “Chin up, mailworker! The sun will come

Millions Of Atoms Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09255606669226551060noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3425089486661970646.post-60173713725986060622009-08-07T13:48:00.006-04:002009-10-16T15:10:01.651-04:00

From CNN.com:Twitter blackout left users feeling 'naked'Apparently, Twitter.com was down for about two hours yesterday morning. I know, two hours. Not two minutes, that would have been manageable. Two. Hours. According to the article above, users felt "jittery" and "naked" and one "social communications" expert compared the outage to breaking your writing hand or having a stroke. Some users

Millions Of Atoms Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09255606669226551060noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3425089486661970646.post-26490480142529708652009-08-07T09:51:00.002-04:002009-10-09T14:52:22.779-04:00

This is a theory I’ve had floating around in my head for far too long. Thanks to the good people who created ‘The Internet’ I finally have the forum to detail this for you good people. Just making this available in public subjects me to possible assassination, so I hope you appreciate what I’m about to tell you.The American game show, Wheel of Fortune, is fixed. It is a sham; a total

Millions Of Atoms Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09255606669226551060noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3425089486661970646.post-360716955395630682009-08-04T16:06:00.005-04:002009-10-09T14:52:35.329-04:00

When. The.Moon hits-a your eye like-a big pizza pieIt fucking hurts.Let's compare "Amore" to something a little more pleasant. When. Your.Fat little feet avoid stepping in sheetThat's Amore.When you open your mouth and two dollars come outThat's Amore.I know all 'bout Amore.

Millions Of Atoms Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09255606669226551060noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3425089486661970646.post-56534173784526929502009-08-04T16:01:00.002-04:002009-08-04T16:04:11.346-04:00

And lo it was written that the heavens would open and bring down a golden egg unto the hands of the Chosen One. The Chosen One would be found to be hungry, so he would make a golden omelet thus severely devaluing the miracle egg from heaven. The heavens would close up again quickly and realize the folly of dropping a golden egg on any human as they often overlook the inherent value of heavenly

Millions Of Atoms Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09255606669226551060noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3425089486661970646.post-88646483191417559172009-07-30T16:14:00.000-04:002009-07-30T16:15:04.123-04:00

Have I told you lately that your hair reminds me of a sweet cinnamon bun? I must have been starving, or high, because right now your hair just looks like hair.Do you ever wish you could just while away the days drifting down a lazy river with one hand dangling in the water and one foot bitten off by a 20 foot crocodile because this is Florida and someone didn’t take any time to read the 10

Millions Of Atoms Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09255606669226551060noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3425089486661970646.post-26943067274249320852009-07-28T16:05:00.001-04:002009-07-28T16:06:40.650-04:00

Repent and beware ye sinners and saints, for the hour cometh near in which you shall be visited by three spirits. The first spirit will yell at you in Spanish; the second spirit will scream at you in Latin; and the third spirit will try to cheer you up and explain what the first two screaming spirits were trying to communicate to you. Bottom line: stopeth eating Cheese Whiz at 3 in the morning

Millions Of Atoms Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09255606669226551060noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3425089486661970646.post-5658340592055389812009-07-27T13:37:00.003-04:002009-07-27T13:38:21.005-04:00

The North Star shined down on the fields of Bethlehem as the Son of God was born. He received many gifts from visitors far and wide. In later years, the Son of God would complain that he got “gypped” because his birthday and Christmas are on the same day.

Millions Of Atoms Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09255606669226551060noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3425089486661970646.post-36758666470065694772009-07-23T08:39:00.007-04:002010-06-29T11:28:57.023-04:00

Every day I get millions of letters from readers all over my street. The letters are literally left all over my street every day. It’s like the mailman has letter diarrhea all over my street and sidewalk. I called the post office about this and asked them if the mailman could consider my mailbox his figurative “toilet”. They hung up on me. Anyway, enough about my problems. I decided to

Millions Of Atoms Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09255606669226551060noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3425089486661970646.post-35341447022339208522009-07-14T13:42:00.003-04:002009-07-14T13:47:29.869-04:00

*TV screen darkens. Ominous music plays as wisps of smoke play across the frame. A voice intones*This summer on Fox: Watch as 10 strangers meet in a remote location…*brief shot of a man in his twenties wearing a backwards baseball cap* I had no idea where we were going, I was just thinking to myself: ‘There better be some hot women there!’They have no idea where they are or why they are there

Millions Of Atoms Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09255606669226551060noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3425089486661970646.post-30713238198870137332009-07-13T09:38:00.003-04:002009-10-13T11:16:32.829-04:00

SISStaring in SilenceChatMan1: Hey man! I jogged all the way to the store and they had no Asparagus! LOL!!!ChatMan2: SISChatMan1 logged outIt works. SIS.

Millions Of Atoms Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09255606669226551060noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3425089486661970646.post-71147367810811148892009-07-07T10:49:00.002-04:002009-07-07T10:52:18.252-04:00

The Department of Homeland Security has released a “Catastrophe Preparedness Plan” that every man woman and child in the world needs to read and memorize immediately. As a public service, I am making this plan available here free of charge. Please read it and take it to heart. It could save your life one day.1. Keep at least a Gallon of your own urine in a plastic container under your kitchen

Millions Of Atoms Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09255606669226551060noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3425089486661970646.post-51072907388587354542009-07-02T11:45:00.008-04:002009-10-13T11:06:32.867-04:00

The text of this link made me instantly nauseous. As for the page it links to? Not what I was expecting. Please don't be surprised to see a future post all about what story this link should have told.Thumb injury forces Creamer out of Jamie Farr

Millions Of Atoms Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09255606669226551060noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3425089486661970646.post-14845358319612175902009-07-01T09:33:00.006-04:002009-10-13T11:09:32.819-04:00

Billie Jean, Billie JeanI’m wearing a white diamond glove!*moonwalk*Billie Jean*moonwalk*Do you like my red leather jacket?Beat It! Beat It!*spin*Ow! Wooo!*moonwalk**jumping in the air while spinning and collapsing in an awkward heap*Can you call a doctor; I just tore my Achilles’ tendon. I’m serious.*laying on the ground wearing a red leather jacket and a white glove and nothing else*Can you

Millions Of Atoms Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09255606669226551060noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3425089486661970646.post-6051254845769567222009-06-30T11:04:00.004-04:002009-06-30T11:10:09.310-04:00

The Pentagon, Washington D.C., 0430 hoursAn agitated military official paces back and forth across a large room. The room has maps of all sizes on the walls and a large table in the center of the room covered with official documents and blueprints. The pacing official is a highly decorated general. He chomps on an unlit cigar as he walks back and forth with his hands clenched behind his back.

Millions Of Atoms Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09255606669226551060noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3425089486661970646.post-71238571802844468362009-06-26T11:48:00.002-04:002009-06-26T11:50:50.240-04:00

Hugo HomenowRicardo LiveherenomoreEmilio DollarsRoberto TrucksMaria DasandwichyouorderPedro TwodollarsyestadayFelipe DatankCarlos InawoodsRosalita ComesitbymyfireJose DoyouhavethetimeiamlateformymeetingOK, wait. Stop. These aren’t real names. You got me. I just typed “Francisco Downtodastoretogetdaeggsandsomemilkforhismama” and realized that I am living a lie here. Forgive me, in English and

Millions Of Atoms Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09255606669226551060noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3425089486661970646.post-56989519795160805442009-06-24T16:12:00.004-04:002009-06-24T16:15:32.848-04:00

And so it came to pass that all creatures great and small were given one hot dog each to do with as they pleased. The "great" creatures ate their hot dogs immediately and asked for another one with mustard this time. The "small" creatures took a few bites and then threw the rest away, saying they had a "big breakfast" that day. This enraged the "great" creatures, who were shocked at the wasted

Millions Of Atoms Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09255606669226551060noreply@blogger.com1