Instant Messages to God

FallOutBoyIzDaShiz logged on at 2:00 AM
GodRulez logged on at 2:03 AM

FallOutBoyIzDaShiz: God? U there?

GodRulez: Hey wazzup

FallOutBoyIzDaShiz: Wow U R like nevr online anymore!?!?!

GodRulez: LOL

FallOutBoyIzDaShiz: LOL

GodRulez: ROFLMAO

FallOutBoyIzDaShiz: LOL LOL !!!1!1!

GodRulez: Whasup

FallOutBoyIzDaShiz: I feel like you don’t care nemore

GodRulez: Thats cause I dont

FallOutBoyIzDaShiz: I asked you for help wit my math test and I got a 43

GodRulez: Maybe u r just dumb

FallOutBoyIzDaShiz: If I’m dumb then you made me that way

GodRulez: I didn’t make you dumb sucka

GodRulez: The only thing I make is money

GodRulez: All day long

GodRulez logged out at 2:10 AM

GodRulez logged on at 2:11 AM

GodRulez: Back

GodRulez: Don’t pizz me off, I’ll bust a lightning bolt up in your ass

FallOutBoyIzDaShiz: Well then if you didn’t make me who did

GodRulez: Your parents

GodRulez: Listen, all I did was make the earth some animals some plants and a couple of people. Everything that happened after that isn’t my fault

GodRulez: Do you honestly think I made Kanye West?

GodRulez: Gilbert Godfried?

GodRulez: Bobcat Goldthwait?

GodRulez: Madonna?

GodRulez: That aint my crap.

FallOutBoyIzDaShiz: But the Bible says...

GodRulez logged out at 2:15 AM

GodRulez logged on at 2:22 AM

GodRulez: That’s the last time you piss me off. One more time Im up out.

GodRulez: I had nothing to do with the Bible. Some guys got together and wrote a book and tried to tell everyone that I said it and I was all like OMG, WTF?

FallOutBoyIzDaShiz: You didn’t say that stuffs?!?!?!

GodRulez: Nope. I like gay people. I think you should be able to eat shrimp whenever you want. Marry your pet ferret, I don’t care. Why would I?

GodRulez: The guys who wrote it figured they could get all kinds of stuff past everyone and make a bunch of dumb rules if they said I said it because I wasn’t around to tell anyone that I didn’t say it because I def did not say it

FallOutBoyIzDaShiz: Totally confused…

GodRulez: And it happened so long ago that everyone kind of just takes it as the truth now. Like when you said you made out with Lisa Richards in 6th grade and now everyone believes it because you said it so long ago no one remembers if it really happened or not

FallOutBoyIzDaShiz: Why don’t you tell everyone now how you really feel?

GodRulez: Not worth it. I don’t want to make rules, I just want to see how everything plays out. Pretty interesting so far, gotta say

GodRulez: Im a lot older than people think. Yea, I made Dinosaurs, whats up? T-Rex woooot! And suck on some velociraptor while UR at it! I loved those suckas

FallOutBoyIzDaShiz: UR acting weird

GodRulez: Just figured out how to make high powered weed. It. Is. Awe. Some.

GodRulez: starving to death up in here

GodRulez logged out at 2:37 AM

FallOutBoyIzDaShiz: God?

FallOutBoyIzDaShiz: God?

FallOutBoyIzDaShiz: Hello?

FallOutBoyIzDaShiz: Helloooooooooooooooo

FallOutBoyIzDaShiz: fine b that way

FallOutBoyIzDaShiz logged out at 2:51 AM

GodRulez logged on at 3:12 AM

GodRulez: ok I just had a revelation

GodRulez: When you walk on the beach, you will see two sets of footprints because I am walking beside you. When you only see one set of footprints, run like hell cause I got all ate up by a shark and shit.

GodRulez: LOL

GodRulez: ROFLMAO

GodRulez: srsly u gotta try this weed it da diggity dope snap zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

GodRulez logged out at 3:14 AM

Urgent Questions: Volume 4

As an adult, have you ever snuck (sneaked? sneaken? snook?) onto a playground late at night to swing on the swings, slide down the slide and play in the sandbox, laughing and singing to yourself while you try to remember where you hid your house keys...and why you have house keys when you don’t own a house?

How many times have you thrown a handful of change into the air as high as you can, only to get hit in the head with 23 cents and a huge pile of bird crap?

When a cute little puppy raises itself up on its hind legs and walks towards you very fast, don’t you think you better run because if he figured out how to do that he probably already knows your address and how to use a tazer?

Did you ever talk to your TV all night long and expect a reply with a shotgun pointed at the cable box so the TV could clearly see who is in charge here?

If my mail ends up at your house will you please translate it to smoke signal and smoke it over to my house already, double-time?

Does a semi-colon ever feel like a crippled colon; like a full colon with a twisted little comma foot? For that matter, does semi-sweet chocolate ever feel inferior to fully sweet chocolate? Hey semi-sweet, chin up bucko. You are still pretty gosh darn sweet to me.

If Harry Potter, Superman, Batman and all of the X-Men got into a huge fight in the middle of the desert, no weapons allowed, could you be any more of a super geek?

When you were nine years old, did you look up at the moon and think it was following you as you walked? Did you then walk a little faster and realize that you couldn’t shake the moon, no matter which way you turned? Did you then run as fast as you could to try to outrun the moon only to find that the moon is a cunning hunter that will not be denied its foolish prey? As I’m sure you now know, the moon is not made of cheese. The moon is made of finely ground nine year old boy bones.

Have you ever boldly walked up to a man and shook his hand firmly and confidently, with no hint of self-consciousness, only to realize that he is sitting on the toilet, and that’s not a hand?

If a mailbox suddenly opened its mouth and ran down the street screaming with its little red flag stuck up in the air, would you chase after it or just start screaming yourself, so that people would be distracted and not try to hunt down and shoot your rogue mailbox?

Have you ever been so hungry that you tried to bite your own hand because it looked like a turkey sandwich with fingers and fingernails…and no bread...and veins...wait a minute, that’s just my hand!

Have you ever hired a grown adult man for your child’s birthday party who calls himself “Dingdong the Magician Clown”? If so, you deserve every bad thing that followed that catastrophic decision.

If a beautiful baby boy spits at you from his carriage, will that finally give you the motivation to take off your “Virginia Is for Lovers” t-shirt and burn it? Follow-up question: If Virginia is for Lovers, what is Delaware for? Seriously, does anyone know what Delaware is for? I’m coming up blank here.

If 2 + 2 = 4, and -2 + 2 = 0, then does me + pizza = delicious?

Are you allergic to pets? Specifically, are you allergic to pets with tiny pollen guns and dust mite breath? Yeah, me too.

If Tom ever catches Jerry (fingers crossed), will Tom be merciful or will he go medieval on Jerry’s mouse ass?

Does Ralph Macchio ever go to the zoo and stare at the cranes nostalgically until zoo security arrests him for suspicious crane staring?

Do you remember that night, late December, back in ’63? Man, what a night that was.

Are you going to just stand there and scream at me in the middle of this parking lot? If so, then I’m going to put my clothes back on and climb into my own shopping cart. But then, who will push me? You? I didn’t think so.

Why do English accents always make me instinctively double over in pain, crying out for God’s sweet mercy to save me from inevitable death? Through 10 years of exhaustive research, I have tracked it down to a combination of Earl Grey tea, Stonehenge and Crocodile Dundee. Oh, he was Australian? That’s not a knife...THAT’S a knife! Man that really WAS a huge knife he had.

If 35 penguins run down a hill toward an igloo in the remote tundra of Alaska and smash into it, shattering the icy bricks with their tiny heads, how long will it take for an Eskimo living in that igloo to despise the haphazard nature of penguins?

If I eventually do get sent to jail (long story), will you smuggle in a DVD copy of the complete works of Bobcat Goldthwait for me? I’ll need something in the big house to convince me that there is still a just and fair world worth fighting for. Better yet, if you can get Bobcat himself, all the better. He’s available.

20 Questions

A man at the County Fair walks up to a booth in the far corner of the campgrounds next to a tall oak tree. The booth looks timeworn, encased in dirty red velvet fabric that listlessly moves in the late summer breeze. The sign above the booth says “20 Questions! Answer all questions honestly, and Comp-U-Tron 3000 will guess who or what you are in 20 questions or less! Only One Dollar!” The man starts to turn around but is drawn back to the old booth. Why not, he thinks with a shrug. He enters the booth and sits at a small desk that has headphones and a microphone resting on its surface. He puts on the headphones and inserts a dollar bill into a slot by his knee. As soon as his money disappears, the headphones fill with the sound of a robotic voice:

I am Comp-U-Tron 3000! I am always right! Please answer these questions with either ‘Yes’ or ‘No’. Let’s begin.

Are you female?
*man leans toward the microphone* No.
Are you male?
Yes.
Are you smaller than a bread box?
No.
Is your last name “Goldthwait”
No.
Are you Bobcat Goldthwait?
No!
Are you green?
No.
Do you have a beard?
Yes.
Are you sure you aren’t Bobcat Goldthwait?
YES!
Do you sing songs in the shower?
Yes.
Are you Fidel Castro?
*silence*
Are you Fidel Castro?
No.
Do you have crossed eyes?
No.
Does your voice have a gravelly tone, like a smoker’s voice would?
Um…Yes.
Are you the Marlboro Man?
*sigh* No.
Do you have any outstanding warrants for your arrest?
*silence*
Do you have any outstanding warrants for your arrest?
How is that relevant? I thought this was supposed…
Please answer only ‘Yes’ or ‘No’.
NO!
Do you like puppies?
Yes.
Are you a puppy?
*silence*
Are you a puppy?
No.
Have you ever suffered from kidney failure?
No?
Are you Jerry Lewis?
*silence*
Are you Jerry Lewis?
*silence*
Are you Jerry Lewis?
What is the meaning of these questions?
Please answer only ‘Yes’ or ‘No’.
No.
Does it sting when you urinate?
What?
Please answer only ‘Yes’ or ‘No’.
NO!
Are you Kelly Clarkson?
I said I was a man!
Please answer only ‘Yes’ or ‘No’.
NO!
Please lower the volume of your answers. Thank you.
*silence*
Does the pope shit in the woods?
What, are we telling jokes now?
Please answer only ‘Yes’ or ‘No’.
Yes.
Are you the pope?
No.
Do you like to dance?
Look, I think we are way over 20 questions at this point…
Please answer only ‘Yes’ or ‘No’.
Yes.
Are you Tom Cruise?
*sigh*
Are you Tom Cruise?
NO!
On a clear day, does the sky appear to be blue in color?
Yes.
Are you an Emperor Penguin?
*silence followed by the clicking sound of the man trying to get his dollar bill back*
Are you a Ham Sandwich?
*the sound of a man slamming his fist on the small desk in the 20 questions booth*
Are you a Billy Goat?
*ruffling sound of a man standing up quickly as the curtains in the booth are disturbed by the sudden movement*
Are you a Tree Sloth?
*the sound of thrown headphones and diminishing footsteps as the man leaves angrily*
Are you Jimmy Carter?
*silence*
Please answer only ‘Yes’ or ‘No’.
*silence*
Comp-U-Tron is now computing your identity. Please Hold.
*sounds of computer beeps and buzzes followed by the loud ‘ding’ of a bell. There is a pause while a cool breeze blows through the empty booth, ruffling the curtains at the entrance*

You are a small hummingbird. Comp-U-Tron 3000 is always right! Thank you for testing my knowledge. Have a nice day.

After a few minutes of silence in the booth, a small hummingbird flies in through the parted curtains at the entrance, hovering just in front of the slot that accepts the money for ‘20 Questions’. The bird appears to survey the slot, and then suddenly it throws itself against the machine repeatedly; almost angrily. After a few minutes of this, the hummingbird hovers momentarily over the desk with the headphones, and bolts towards the exit, knocking the microphone over on the way. A passerby sees the hummingbird jet out of the 20 questions booth and up into the clear blue day. He reads the sign over the entrance, hesitates, and then starts searching his pockets for a dollar bill. As he enters the booth, he glances up at the old oak tree next to the booth and notices hundreds of hummingbirds circling and hovering in the branches. They scatter as he enters.