Book of Lucille: Verse 10, Chapter 11

And so during the End of Days, a great fire came down upon the Earth. And that fire started many smaller fires. And those smaller fires started many little campfires. Everyone had little isolated cookouts and ate many bratwursts and hot dogs and hamburgers and drank copious amounts of beer while trying to ignore the raging inferno that started the whole thing. True to form, America ate more than the entire world combined because America is the fattest land in God’s entire Universe. God used the fire test to redesign Americans with much smaller mouths and no stomachs. His Will Be Done.

Book of Buster: Verse 10, Chapter 45

When the Angels return triumphantly from the fields of Holy Battle, they will probably get drunk that very same night. If you don’t want any Holy trouble, just stay home. Drunk Angels are constantly looking for fights and usually end up vomiting on God’s sandals. I don’t need to tell you how pissed He gets when that happens. Ever see a solar eclipse? That is God in the middle of a rage-blackout right before He goes looking for his whuppin’ stick. Praise be to the Sun and sore-assed Angels.

Book of Maebe: Verse 99, Chapter 2

Hold hands with Jesus whilst you walk the path of enlightenment. If ye chose to not hold hands, ye could get hurt. And make sure ye look both ways before crossing the road of the damned. Hey, don’t let go of Jesus’ hand! HOLD HANDS WITH JESUS! That’s it I’m taking all of your coloring books and crayons away! I SAID HOLD HANDS! Fine, get run over by a chariot, see if I care! WHY WON”T YOU LISTEN TO ME?!?! JESUS!

Book of Kitty: Verse 100, Chapter 1

There came to pass a gathering of all Angels in Heaven. During this gathering, one Angel brought some spectacular weed and every other Angel at the gathering commenced to getting totally baked. After three hours of debauchery too sordid to be repeated here in this scripture, God showed up and laid a Holy whipping on every Angel in his sight. From that day on, all Angels flew with a limp and vowed never to let Steve the Angel come to any more gatherings because he is a bad apple.

God Loves us All, but ye should never get high in Heaven and piss-eth all over the Pearly Gates.

Ever-eth.

Book of George Michael: Verse 3, Chapter 300

It is written that the unicorns and rainbows will unite to form a perfect union of shade and light. And the Elephants will wear top hats and dance to the sounds of Duke Ellington and his Orchestra while Monkeys keep time with firecrackers. Yay though the grass speaks in tounges and the trees bend with the weight of Gorilla poop, the heathens and the chosen few will dance like Kevin Bacon in Footloose while small babies will roll down the hills of candy canes and LEGALIZE WEED!

Book of Ann: Verse 43, Chapter 3

And in the darkest hour, it was revealed to the brothers Cain and Abel by God that they would be hosting Christmas this year. Amidst much griping and sorrow, the brothers began to clean their cottage, putting aside their many differences for the time being. While cleaning, their puppy left a not so small crap in the middle of the kitchen floor. The brothers examined it and realized that the crap had been formed in the exact image of God’s head. They giggled madly for 3 hours and made jokes like, “Better clean the house, Crap-head will be angry with us!” And, “Uh oh, here comes Crap-face down from the heavens to stink up Christmas!” While cleaning, the brothers did not realize that God had indeed come down from the heavens and was waiting for them in the living room, smoking a cigarette. He ordered them to explain their behavior, after which he said simply “Knock it off, Tits.” and flew back up to his heavenly kingdom. Cain and Abel did not know why they were called ‘Tits’ but suspected that God had been drinking again.

Praise Tits.

Book of T-Bone: Verse 30, Chapter 3

On the 12th day of the 12th month in the 12th year after the equinox rises over the hills of the sun king, you will text “LOL” to your brother and then despair at your laziness. You could have easily called him, laughed out loud, and hung up the phone. Whatever happened to personal contact? Amen and Godspeed, lightning-fingers.

Book of Zuckercorn: Verse 9, Chapter 20

The angels searched low and high for a suitable replacement for Oprah. They reached the highest mountaintops and the lowest valleys of heaven and still no one could be found. Finally, a tiny angel stood and said “Let it be me.” The angels thought long and hard about this and asked many questions:


“Will you give away free things?”
“Will you cause housewives to faint at the mere mention of said free things?”
“Will you pompously declare things?”
“Will you allow your weight to fluctuate by 200 pounds regularly?”
“Will you say the names of books which will then inexplicably cause 10 billion people to try to purchase those books?”
“Will you demand that clothing stores be closed when you are nearby so that you can shop for said clothes in peace?”
“Will you interview book authors who fabricate their words and then treat them as though they caused the earth to spin off of its axis even though all they did was cause you to look foolish?”

“Yes, I will,” said the tiny angel.

“It is settled. The new Oprah has been crowned,” said the angels and there was much rejoicing. Then, God came down from his heavenly throne and said, “You know, I was never really keen on the whole Oprah thing in the first place. No-prah.” He then rose back to his throne to leave the angels confused but resolved. The tiny angel shrugged and went back to do whatever tiny angels do. The rest of the angles were secretly relieved because they didn’t really “get” the whole Oprah thing either. Praise God and his infinite Oprah wisdom.

Book of Buster: Verse 10, Chapter 3

And so, in the great Movie Theater of Heaven, it came to pass that there was a midnight showing of “Leprechaun in the Hood (working title: Leprechaun in da Hood)”. The angels and archangels and prophets and such all gathered in front of the great golden movie screen watched in silence. God arrived late (as usual) and sat in the back row noisily crunching away on some popcorn.

God leaned over to John and said, “Fuck is this?”

John said, “’Tis ‘Leprechaun in da Hood’, O Great One.”

God squinted and said “Is that Coolio?”

Nodding, John said, “'Tis, my lord.”

Clearly baffled, God stopped eating and said, “Seriously, what the hell is this?”

John, looking over at the Supreme Being said, “You should know, you made it did you not?”

Shaking his head vehemently, God said “Uh-uh. No way no how. No way I made a movie about a Leprechaun terrorizing Ice-T and Coolio. Nope.”

Shrugging and turning back to the movie, John said, “As you wish, my Lord, but you did create all things in Heaven and Earth. This movie would be one of those things, would it not?”

“Gotta go!” God said suddenly and ran from the theater leaving John shaking his head watching the conclusion of one of God’s greatest follies.

Book of Michael: Verse 9, Chapter 9

On the tenth night of the tenth month, the weary travelers reached the Kingdom of Gold. They immediately complained about their tired feet, and the walls being too bright, and why is everything so shiny, and yadda yadda yadda, bitch bitch bitch. God threw an apple at them and said “Ye are in the Kingdom of Gold! Can’t ye just be content with knowing that no mortal soul has ever seen these golden halls before?” The travelers responded, “Well, yeah, but everything is so yellow and there aren’t even any restaurants or anything and my Blackberry has like zero service.” God threw another apple and tendered his letter of resignation, marching towards Mars to try again with the Martians.

Book of G.O.B: Verse 30, Chapter 22

And in the fiery aftermath of the Apocalypse, a new race will be born: A breed of half man, half Fireman which would basically just look like a regular Fireman since they are half man already by their nature. And these new half-breeds will put out all the fires and then hang around their Firehouses drinking beer and washing their fire trucks over and over and over and over again. Praise to half-breed fire people and ridiculously clean fire trucks.

Book of T-Bone: Verse 10, Chapter 2

And so it came to pass that the Trees became the tallest natural creation on Earth. And the Trees stood tall and strong for many Millennia. That is, until God created lightning and Trees started getting zapped and burned to the ground. The Trees tried to kind of bend over and not be so tall any more, but God immediately reprimanded them: “Stand tall and proud, ye Trees of God! Stop slouching!” To which the Trees responded, “But all this lightning! We don’t want to get hit by lightning so much! It stings and burns and stuff!” To which God responded, “Fine, squat like washerwomen taking a dump. I don’t care.” The Trees felt bad (and a little offended) and remained tall and true in the face of lightning and hurricanes and tornados and all the other bad things God threw at them. When the Trees realized that God was mocking them with these trials, they quickly invented lightning rods and attached them to bushes. Hey, free will, right God old pal? God sulked for a week and then got over it. Soon after this squabble, God created platypuses which made him giggle and smile again. Praise to the tall Trees and the Burning Bushes.

Book of Bluth: Verse 2, Chapter 3

And lo it was written that the heavens would open and bring down a golden egg unto the hands of the Chosen One. The Chosen One would be found to be hungry, so he would make a golden omelet thus severely devaluing the miracle egg from heaven. The heavens would close up again quickly and realize the folly of dropping a golden egg on any human as they often overlook the inherent value of heavenly objects and eat a lot of things they shouldn’t. The heavens would then be told that they should have listened to their wife, and will no doubt be reminded of this fact all throughout the holidays. Glory to the egg catchers and their wives.

Book of George Michael: Verse 1, Chapter 1

Repent and beware ye sinners and saints, for the hour cometh near in which you shall be visited by three spirits. The first spirit will yell at you in Spanish; the second spirit will scream at you in Latin; and the third spirit will try to cheer you up and explain what the first two screaming spirits were trying to communicate to you. Bottom line: stopeth eating Cheese Whiz at 3 in the morning, or else you will be visited by lots of things starting around 4 in the morning. It is written.

Book of Maebe: Verse 23, Chapter 10

The North Star shined down on the fields of Bethlehem as the Son of God was born. He received many gifts from visitors far and wide. In later years, the Son of God would complain that he got “gypped” because his birthday and Christmas are on the same day.

Book of Buster: Verse 2, Chapter 1

And so it came to pass that all creatures great and small were given one hot dog each to do with as they pleased. The "great" creatures ate their hot dogs immediately and asked for another one with mustard this time. The "small" creatures took a few bites and then threw the rest away, saying they had a "big breakfast" that day. This enraged the "great" creatures, who were shocked at the wasted half-dogs that were lying in trashcans all over the universe. The "small" creatures then called the "great" creatures "gluttonous pigs" which sparked a huge war that lasted thirty-five million years. "The War of the Dogs" was immortalized in the skies as the constellation “Fat Dog”. It consists of one giant star across from one tiny star, with millions of red and yellow stars in between them. It is, by far, the most delicious constellation ever imagined. Glory be to condiments.

Book of Lindsey: Verse 3, Chapter 20

It is written that a bird shall lead all men and women out of the abyss and into a large pit filled with snakes, spiders and rusty spikes. That is what you get for following a bird anywhere. They have pea brains. Glory be to birds.

Book of Tobias: Verse 9, Chapter 6

And they came to a mountaintop which was full of various types of animal poop and dung. They fell to their knees shouting to the heavens: “GOD! Why hast thou FORSAKEN US!” God spoke to them and said, “Be-eth not such drama queens. It is just a little poop. Wipe it off. Move on.” At this, they stood to their feet and gingerly stepped around the poop to the other side of the clearing to begin their journey back down the mountainside. As they began walking, God taunted them saying, “Beware small twigs, ye prancing ninnies! Look out for yonder clump of dirt, ye twirling sissy-maries! Uh-oh, here comes some tiny raindrops, cover ye heads ye blithering skirt-holding women!” Knoweth this: God is the master of rubbing it in. In his name we pray.

Book of Oscar: Verse 9, Chapter 2

And there was a terrible crash, and the large one fell through the heavens and landed on the little one, causing much laughter. The little one didn’t think it was so funny, but the large one did and so forevermore the constellation “Big Dipper” was known as the “Funny One” while the “Little Dipper” was known as the “One with no sense of humor”. The constellation “Orion” was known as the “laughing asshole”. So it is written.

Book of Ann: Verse 1, Chapter 13

May the sun light your path through the twists and turns of life. May the road be long and straight, and the way clear. May the rest stops along the road be named after literary and historical figures for no discernible reason. All Praise the Walt Whitman Rest Stop at mile marker 7, the Emily Dickinson rest stop at mile marker 5 and the Benjamin Franklin Rest Stop at mile marker 2.