The Twitter Blackout of '09

From CNN.com:

Twitter blackout left users feeling 'naked'

Apparently, Twitter.com was down for about two hours yesterday morning. I know, two hours. Not two minutes, that would have been manageable. Two. Hours. According to the article above, users felt "jittery" and "naked" and one "social communications" expert compared the outage to breaking your writing hand or having a stroke. Some users commented they felt like "their heart was gone" or "they felt empty inside".

I'm sure when Twitter came back up, everyone was relieved to be able to get back to telling every internet person what they ate for lunch or what color shoes they were wearing and their hearts grew three sizes and their souls came back.

Is it any wonder that I don't take anything on the internet seriously? I can't really add anything to the article above, I think it speaks for itself. But like they say in the article, I will say that you should put together a backup plan. For the sake of your children, have a backup plan. If Twitter hits the dirt again, and it might (Maybe even for three hours, or a half a day!) then for Christ's sake have a backup plan. Don't just run around with no heart and empty insides trying to talk to people or write letters or operate a telephone. I think we need a minimum of 15 backup twitter sites (Spitter, Shitter, Whipper, Whittler, Flipper, Whistler, etc.) just in case this ever happens again. Make it 30 backup sites, and maybe a state-issued megaphone for every man woman and child. This way, you can stand on your lawn and use the megaphone (if it has a siren button, use that first to alert everyone of the incoming message) to let everyone know what TV show you are about to watch.

"I am about to watch DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES! TOM DENTON IS SO HOT!"
"I am cooking white rice and beans! LOL! *feedback*"
"What is the deal with BRITNEY SPEARS! Give it up girl! LOL LOL! *feedback*"
"My kneecap itches! And I can't find my HARRY POTTER KEYCHAIN! *feedback*"
"I just pooped a little bit while I was on my treadmill! I can't wait to have waffles for dinner! ROAFMEALORMQWF!!"

Anyway, I will now return you to your regularly scheduled blog. Don't get caught with your twitter-pants down again, damn you. (Twitter-pants is a registered trademark of Millions of Atoms limited.)

Tweet Me

Please.

No, I’m not on Twitter. Actually, I may be, but I don’t actively ‘Tweet’ (‘Twit’?). What am I, Woody Woodpecker in the head? What am I, Heckyl and Jeckyl over here? Who am I, (insert other famous cartoon bird(s)) ? I would love to be Tweeted though. Twittered. Sounds vaguely dirty. Dirty enough for me. I am comforted in knowing that when I finish this turkey sandwich, I can let the entire earth know about it with one mouse click. I mean, how would Zimbabwe get through the day without knowing whether I went with the Doritos or the Fritos as a side dish? The answer is zero. Zero get through the day. Long live Twitter.

I am starting a new social networking site called ‘Twizzler’. Strictly for and about people eating various flavors of Twizzlers candy at any given point in time. I see just as much use for this as Twitter. I expect to have 75 billion users by the end of the week. I’ll start:

From TheTwizzlerOfOZ: I am eating strwbry twiz. It’s sooooooooooo gooooooooodz.

See how that goes? Eh? Eh? I know Ashton Kutcher is already salivating at the thought of detailing his hidden Twizzler habit. ‘Access Hollywood’ can yap about “Twizzles” from famous people every night at 7pm:

Up next, see what Ashlee Simpson was ‘Twizzling’ about last night at famous L.A. hotspot blah blah blah vomit.

Oh, I came up with another one!

From TheTwizzlerOfOZ: I thnk there shd be a cocaine flavored twizzler. I would be up all night whipping people with white colored twiz ropes.

Uh-oh, what’s this? What did I tell you?!?! Look what I just got!

From AshtwizKutchler: I luv twiz more than Demi. Shh.

I knew it. Didn’t take long, right? Love his nickname too. You can also send pictures of Twizzlers with my new service. “Ashtwiz” send a rather filthy picture along with his message above. I won’t detail it but I will say that Twizzlers make a fine set of underwear. Without my revolutionary new service, I never would have known. It is nice to see that the internet is fulfilling the exact need that it was created for: pornography and pictures of Ashton Kutcher wearing Twizzler underwear. I love it when a plan comes together.

Send me an email to sign up for your Twizzler account. You will be “Twizzing” in no time. Also please know that I have copyrighted the following terms and any attempt to use or say these words out loud will result in immediate termination. Yeah, like Arnold Schwarzenegger termination. The words in question are:

Twiz
Twizzler
Twitz
Twizzz (Note the extra z. That signifies an extra long Twiz)
Ashton

Play by the rules and no one gets hurt. Thanks for reading and have a Twizlerriffic (copyright) day!