Fun things to do when you are bored

1. In a crowded public place, turn towards a particularly large group of people, shout “Hey Joey!” and start walking toward the crowd smiling. Instead of stopping and greeting someone, just keep walking and looking into the distance saying “Joey! How are you! Wow!” until you are completely through the crowd. Just keep on walking. You would be amazed at some of the reactions you get. Some people will put their hand out as though you are going to greet them, even women who couldn’t possibly be named Joey. Some people will duck. Some will look nervous. Some will tentatively smile. Some will inexplicably look angry. It is a great experiment. Try it sometime.

2. Eat as much pudding as you can in 1 minute. The flavor isn’t important, but you better plan on having a ton of pudding at your disposal. That shit is tasty.

3. Try to balance a prostitute on your nose. Tougher than it sounds.

4. Sit on the floor with your legs straight out in front of you. Now, slowly take one foot and try to bring it up behind your head. Now slowly take your other foot and bring it behind your head also. If you made it this far, bend forward and kiss your own ass you jive turkey.

5. I am a big fan of Hospital Emergency Rooms (who isn’t? The lights, the spectacle, the music!) Walk into an emergency room very slowly looking as melancholy as possible. Speak to the nurse, and when she asks you what the problem is, tell her that Suzie broke your heart and that you were hoping a doctor could mend it. If the nurse nods knowingly and writes your name on the sign in sheet, then make sure you avoid Suzie at all costs, wherever she may be. She is obviously a whore.

6. Do Math. Do Math until your sides hurt from laughing so much.

7. Snort cocaine like no one is watching, dance like you have never been in an asylum, work like you have never been fired and live like there are approximately 354 tomorrows. I think that’s how the quote goes…

8. Call up homeland security and say in a low voice “There is a bomb in my toilet.” Wait 10 seconds and say “courtesy of Taco Bell! High Five!” Warning, you may not have time to pause 10 seconds before the hilarious punch line. Homeland doesn’t exactly have a “department of humor” if you know what I mean.

9. Lead a marching band through your local supermarket. Smash every watermelon you see with your oboe (please tell me you have an oboe). Hey, I don’t know where you can get a marching band! I’m the idea guy, do your own leg work!

10. The next time you have to renew your driver’s license, when the time comes to take your picture, jump up and try to get your ass in the frame. Then, speed home as fast as you can and hope you get pulled over by a police officer. Get ready for hilarity as the officer sees your new license! If he can stop laughing long enough, I’m sure he will pat you on the head and send you home without a ticket for being so innovative.

There, ten solid ideas for you to do the next time you are bored! Wait, I just did a top ten list. I hate top ten lists. Let me give you one more (top 11 list! Copyright, trademark):

11. Get into a crowded elevator. Say out loud very seriously, “Hey everyone, do you hear that? If you listen really closely, you can hear the ghost of Tom Jenkins telling his sad story. He used to work here until he fell down the elevator shaft and died tragically. Listen. You have to be very quiet. Shhh.” Then fart as loud as you can. Someone will probably scream in terror, but that’s OK. Ghosts are scary.