Homer and Marge were two pigs who lived on a huge farm in Nebraska. They lived a routine life, waking up every morning, rolling in the mud, eating slop, sleeping, eating some more, rolling in mud some more, and sleeping even more. They basically lived the life of two normal pigs. One day, Homer came to a life-altering decision: He didn’t want to live a pig’s life any more. He had reached his personal breaking point. The conflict in his mind kept him up at night, and eventually he snapped. One morning, Homer broke the news to Marge.
“Marge, come over here.”
Marge pulled herself away from the trough and ambled over to where Homer was standing with his head hung forlornly over the fence rail. “What do you want?” she grunted.
“I can’t do this any more. I can’t live like a pig my whole life.”
“But Homer, you are a pig. It isn’t like you can live the rest of your life as a sloth or a wolf. Be a pig. Be happy you aren’t a mule.”
“I know I will never be anything other than a pig. That doesn’t mean I have to live like one. Do you realize that I woke up this morning with cow shit plugging my nose? I mean, seriously? Cow shit? In my nose? Shit? Nose?”
“Relax Homer, I get the point.”
“It’s ridiculous! I can’t do it any more, I just can’t. Besides, I want to start a career.” Homer looked down at his hooves shyly.
“A career? What are you going to be, a pig lawyer? ‘Excuse me, your honor, if it pleases the court I would like to *squeeeeeeal*’ ‘I object! The prosecution is *oink* leading the *oink* witness!’ Give me a break, Homer.” Marge scoffed.
“No, I do not want to be a lawyer. I uh-” Homer shuffled his hooves in the mud, clearly embarrassed. “I want to be a Dental Hygienist.”
Marge started bellowing laughter mixed with much grunting and oinking. The other pigs in the pen glanced over momentarily trying to gauge what was so funny. “A Dental Hygienist? That is awesome.” Marge said in a sarcastic tone. “That is really fantastic. A pig hygienist!” Marge continued laughing as Homer angrily turned his head while a blush rose in his cheeks.
“Yes, a Dental Hygienist, Marge. Stop laughing!” Homer said defiantly. “I have been thinking about this for a while now.”
“Oh, it’s perfect Homer!” Marge said in a mocking tone. “You can be just like Hermie the elf! ‘I don’t wanna be a pig, I wanna be a dentist!’ Oh, that is something; Homer the pig hygienist. ‘Pardon me while I clean out your filling, and don’t mind the overwhelming stench of mud and pig shit.’ Have you lost your mind?”
Marge went on and on, deriding Homer’s choice of career path. She didn’t notice his jowls getting redder and redder with embarrassment as other pigs in the pen wandered over and joined in with the mocking of Homer. Suddenly, Homer burst out with—
“Shut your MOUTH YOU BACON BITCH!”
*sound of a turntable needle scratching across a lively music recording as the music suddenly stops and the entire farm falls silent. At the time, none of the pigs wondered which pig figured out how to work a turntable, or how it was powered.*
“What did you call me?” Marge furiously asked Homer, her eyes like pinpoints locked on his.
Homer, now even more embarrassed, quietly said “You heard me...”
The tension was so thick you could cut it with a knife and serve it with eggs and toast. Homer had breached one of the oldest and most respected rules of pig culture: Never utter the B-Word in the company of other pigs. It was the number one most revered rule of the pig code. Dental Hygienist or not, Homer had broken the most sacred rule. There would be consequences.
To a pig that had wandered close on Marge’s left-hand side, she whispered in a barely controlled voice filled with rage, “Call the Warden.”
“The W-w-warden?” he stammered. I don’t think we need to call him, do we? Let’s just pretend this never happened, and...”
“CALL HIM NOW!” Marge thundered into poor Billy Pigkin’s upturned face. Billy would remember that day for the rest of his life.
After a lengthy trial, and much deliberation, Homer was banned from the farm for life by the Warden. Despite his timid demeanor, and apologetic speech that had every animal in the farm in tears, his breaking of pig code rule number one could not be ignored. As he packed his meager belongings, Marge walked over to him, her snout turned high in the air.
“Shouldn’t have done it, Homer.”
“I know Marge, and I apologized. But you’ll see, I’ll be come the best dentist in the world. This is probably a good thing, in the end.”
Marge stepped very close to Homer, until her snout was centimeters from his, and said “Homer, you will always be a pig. You roll in mud, and eat leftovers from humans; scraps from their table. That is all you will ever be: A garbage-eating, mud-covered pig.”
At this Marge turned sharply and slowly walked away from Homer, her curled tail tightly wound. Homer watched her go with a tear brimming over his eyelid and finally running down his cheek.
Homer slowly left the pig pen he was born in and flinched as the gate closed loudly behind him. He glanced once over his shoulder and then began walking down the dirt road that led to the highway that ran past the farm he grew up on. He never saw Marge, or any of his pig friends, again.
10 years later
Homer busily scraped away at Mrs. Winter’s teeth, removing a year’s worth of plaque build up. As she rinsed, Homer began cleaning up. They began talking about the upcoming Christmas holiday and Mrs. Winter mentioned her children’s favorite Christmas cartoon: Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. She talked at length about their favorite character ‘Hermie the Elf’. At this, Homer paused at the sink and looked at himself in the mirror. He was brought back to the moment 10 years ago when he mentioned his career plans to Marge, and she had mocked him to the point where he was forced to leave the farm in disgrace. Oh, if she could only see him now! He wondered what happened to her...
In the café downstairs, Marge began to sizzle and crisp nicely as she was about to become part of a Bacon Egg and Cheese muffin that was soon to be served to a 10 year old boy named Herbie. Herbie was holding a lollipop and a bright blue toothbrush that he had just received from Homer, his favorite swine dentist. His teeth were perfect.
The Circle of Life turns ever onward.
Blast From The Past!!!
4 years ago