The many Faces of Facebook

Facebook is a fickle mistress. She changes her looks every month or so and spawns countless groups with names like:

“If you hate the new FACEBOOK, sign THIS PETITION!”
“Why did Facebook change? If you can’t stand it and throw up at the sight of it, join now!”
“Does Facebook’s new layout give you explosive diarrhea? Join this group!”
“GRR! UGLY FACEBOOK! JOIN!”
“Me no like it! Facebook ugly site! Where am status! Join it!”

There is no promise or hint of gain by joining these groups. Just groups of like-minded people all gathering in virtual spaces with no other purpose than to voice their displeasure at the way a particular website has things arranged on a screen. What happens in these “groups”? Are there parties? Do people post messages like “Remember how our feeds used to be in one place and now you have to click a lot all over the place? Man, that sucks!”

I just created a new Facebook group: “If the way Facebook’s website is laid out causes you high levels of anger and frustration, then you spend too much time on Facebook.”

Please join.

Vague-Book

I hate how purposely vague the status updates on Facebook can be.

“Well, I’m going to hell now!” (posted 2 hours ago).

Someone will always have to respond “O No! What happened?” I just picture someone walking into a crowded room of friends and saying “Well, I think I’ll probably die within the hour.” And then surreptitiously glancing around and waiting for someone to ask what is going on. Why don’t you just continue the story instead of sitting there, fingers poised, waiting for someone to respond?

“Eric suddenly finds himself with only 2 fingers.” (posted an hour ago)

Worried Buddy Commented: “O No! What happened? Is it hard to type?????????????” (posted 5 minutes ago)

Eric commented: “I’m fine. Eating chicken fingers for dinner and only have two left. LOL! ROEFLAOEAL!” (posted 5 minutes ago)

I could have just said “Eric only has 2 chicken fingers left for dinner” an hour ago when I first posted my status, but then my ego wouldn’t have been gratified by concerned comments and response. See how that works? The more cryptic the comment, the more likely you get a response, and isn’t that what we all want: For someone to care?

“Eric is worried.” (posted an hour ago).

How open ended is this?

Concerned Friend commented: “O No! What’s happening???!??!?!?!??! Are U all right!??!?!” (posted 2 minutes ago)

Eric commented: “Nothing, I just hope the Mets don’t blow another game tonight.” (posted 2 minutes ago)

Now I made my concerned friend go through the hassle of typing out a response with way too many punctuation marks just to find out that I’m worried about the Mets blowing another save. I could have added three more words: ‘about the Mets.’ No one would have been concerned, but more importantly, no one would have responded.

“Eric is dead.” (posted 3 hours ago)

Concerned Friend commented: “WHAT?!?!?” (posted 1 minute ago)

Wiseass Friend commented: “Well how did you type then? LOL!” (posted 1 minute ago)

Eric commented: “Oh, I’m just dead tired from work. LOL?” (posted 1 minute ago)

I’m really a jerk making everyone think I’m dead. I could have easily said “Eric is dead tired after working all day.” But no, I had to be ‘Face-vague’. It’s an acquired skill. You can’t be unrealistically vague like ‘Eric is a balloon’ or ‘Eric rode a unicorn today.’ That way you will get no concerned responses.

Of course, you could always go the other way with way too much information in your status update:

“Eric opened a checking account with ‘WaMu’ today. I arrived at the bank at 9:07 this morning, stepping out of my car under a clear blue sky with my credentials in hand. I opened the bank door and was greeted by a friendly guard who asked me how my day was going. I told him ‘Can’t complain!’ and then we both giggled like schoolgirls as he awkwardly tried to brush my hair back with the side of his hand. I was all like, ‘What kind of bank is this? WaMove out of my way!’ as I sidestepped him and made my way to the main desk…’

Who would still be reading after all that? We live in an age of instant information in tiny bite-size chunks. ‘Eric was fondled by a bank security guard today’ would be a much more interesting status and would generate tons of comments and concerned onlookers. Kind of like a car crash or a murder scene. I love Facebook.

Facebook Quizzes

I recently took a quiz on Facebook titled: ‘What crazy bitch are you?’ My result was Sinead O’Connor, which makes sense because I have a shaved head and I once tore up a picture of Mickey Mouse outside of Disneyworld to protest the fact that the Disney Corporation wouldn’t let me publish my book ‘It’s a Small Girl After All’: my semi-autobiographical account of the world’s first midget transvestite. I guess ‘Mr. Toad’s Wild Gay Parade’ and ‘Space Mountain: A look at the heart of Colombia’s heroin trade...and roller coasters’ are out of the question.

 I have so many unpublished books.

The quiz reminded me of an awesome day when I went to McDonalds and ordered two “Quintuple Cheeseburgers”. The drive thru attendant responded by saying ‘What kind of crazy bitch are you?’ to which I responded, ‘the fat kind, now make with the quints.’ Although I may have been banned from that particular location, the other McDonald’s eateries are still ‘Open for Business’ as they say.

Facebook is awesome. I found out so many interesting things about myself through seemingly hundreds of quizzes and tests set up by Facebook experts. For instance, I found out the following:

--What kind of pee are you? (Canary Yellow)
--If your entire body were one big fist, what surface would you strike first? (Sinead O’Connor, which is so ironic in at least two or three ways)
--What kind of ass are you? (Jack. I was pulling for “Horse’s” but I think question 4 had a racial bias...)
--If you were a character in the Facts of Life, which character would you be? (Tootie, which I already knew, but it’s nice to have it confirmed in an official capacity)
--What crazy periodical element are you? (Berylium, but that’s a no-brainer. Tell me something I don’t know, Facebook!)
--If hair was free, how much hair would you have? (100 pounds. The questions seemed to have nothing to do with hair, but ‘In Facebook We Trust’. Ah, if only hair were free. Facebook is like a fantasy wonderland.)
--What kind of morose sad sack are you? (This quiz had no questions. Somehow I think the quiz question itself was the only question)
--If Facebook had to borrow some money, how much money could Facebook borrow from you? C’mon, you know Facebook is good for it, right? (I don’t know, a hundred bucks I guess?)
--What internet abbreviation are you? (‘QT’. A lot of my friends were ‘CUL8R’ which is so them!)
--What cup of tea are you? (Earl Grey, which delighted me to no end!)
--What bone are you? (Fibula)
--What candy corn are you? (Candy Corn. *shrug* I don’t know what I expected.)
--What kind of wild accountant are you? (Tax extension processor. Aw yeah!)
--What sort of freakish librarian are you? (Cardigan sweater wearing.)

Go take some quizzes and report back so I can learn something about you. I’m especially interested in hearing which characters on the A-Team you all would be.