Monday, September 28, 2009


I think it is time we retired the term “F-Bomb” commonly used when describing the “F-Word” (Franks, as in Franks and Beans, oh, excuse me, “F-bombs” and beans).

“I just ate 17 F-bombs tonight and they all had mustard!”
“Man, I can’t believe there aren’t any F-bombs at this barbeque!”
“Who the Fuck put this F-bomb in the middle of my salad?”

I know you want to temper the impact of this explosive piece of vocabulary, but really it’s just a Hot Dog in the end. I think we can eliminate the “F-bomb” term and give “Frank” its rightful place back in the American dictionary of love and good times.

Don’t even get me started on the “N-word” (Night-sweats).

Friday, September 25, 2009

More Awkwardness

I just wanted everyone to see the new "picture face" I will be making in every photgraph taken of me from this day forward:

Awesome. Totally Awesome.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Famous people love my blog

It is true. Famous people from all over the world travel here via the Internetweb to read what I have to say about things. Why, even now, I bet they are reading and waiting to comment on this...

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Urgent Questions Volume 7

If Superman flew up to the moon and took it with him to all the other planets, smashing little pieces of it to make new moons for all the other planets, will you ever go on a date with an actual woman?

When you send a letter using the Pony Express, do you get completely frustrated when the letter always comes back to you 30 seconds later undelivered? Do you realize that isn’t the Pony Express, it’s a Merry-Go-Round at the county fair, and even your 7 year old son knows that the Pony Express hasn’t existed for years, and most people use e-mail now anyway, old-timer?

Have you ever taken two steps forward, only to find that the person in front of you just took two steps back? Do you think that you and that person go together because opposites attract? Well let me tell you something, friend: It ain’t fiction, it’s a natural fact.

Have you ever opened up a treasure chest expecting to find gold and jewels in there, only to realize that you aren’t a pirate and that treasure chest is just your laundry hamper with 35 cents in it that you put in there the night before (planning on playing pirate the next morning)?

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, throat punch? Sometimes I put question marks on statements just to make them seem like questions.

Has this pickup line ever worked for you? ‘Is it raining, because I’m going to take you back to my apartment and sleep with you, and possibly make you breakfast in the morning?’ Believe it or not, that worked for me on six separate occasions.

Have you ever gone to the bathroom in a public stall, flushed the toilet, and then done a giant side leap out of the stall screaming “TA-DAAA!” just in case someone was expecting a magic show in there?

Have you ever taunted a Polar Bear in the following manner: “Fuzzy Wuzzy was a BEAR (poke in the eye), Fuzzy Wuzzy had no HAIR (poke in the other eye), so Fuzzy Wuzzy wasn’t FUZZY (kick in the groin) WAS HE?!?! (Leg sweep)? A polar bear is a good choice for that, because they are friendly and just drink Coke all day, so you could out run them if they really took exception.

If a parrot starts speaking Spanish, would a Seeing Eye dog strike a pose and be all like “What’s Up?” And then the iguana stands up on two legs and starts doing the Macarena, right? And all the goldfish start circling each other, threatening each other with tiny knives, trying to assert their fish tank dominance. You know what; I think someone put something in my coffee…

Have you ever gone to a parade, only to find that it starts raining making everyone sad, and you shout to the Heavens “GOD? You have cried on my parade for the last time!” stomping off through the puddles of God-tears, only to realize that your family has already left you, and you live alone in a one-bedroom apartment that God actually set up for you, calling in a few favors? For the record, God was crying because you were naked at the parade (again), and the police were taking you to jail (again). Talk about raining on a parade…

Did you ever take the training wheels off of your child’s bicycle and try to put them on your car to see if you can stop yourself from rolling over doing 100 mph around a tight turn while drunk and screaming into your cell phone at your ex-wife who is trying to rain on your parade again?

When a traffic light turns from red to green, does that make you think of Christmas, or does it make you fishtail out of that intersection, burnin rubber and screaming like a Viking warrior on his way to the Shop-Rite for some eggs and misplaced youth?

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Book of G.O.B: Verse 30, Chapter 22

And in the fiery aftermath of the Apocalypse, a new race will be born: A breed of half man, half Fireman which would basically just look like a regular Fireman since they are half man already by their nature. And these new half-breeds will put out all the fires and then hang around their Firehouses drinking beer and washing their fire trucks over and over and over and over again. Praise to half-breed fire people and ridiculously clean fire trucks.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Book of T-Bone: Verse 10, Chapter 2

And so it came to pass that the Trees became the tallest natural creation on Earth. And the Trees stood tall and strong for many Millennia. That is, until God created lightning and Trees started getting zapped and burned to the ground. The Trees tried to kind of bend over and not be so tall any more, but God immediately reprimanded them: “Stand tall and proud, ye Trees of God! Stop slouching!” To which the Trees responded, “But all this lightning! We don’t want to get hit by lightning so much! It stings and burns and stuff!” To which God responded, “Fine, squat like washerwomen taking a dump. I don’t care.” The Trees felt bad (and a little offended) and remained tall and true in the face of lightning and hurricanes and tornados and all the other bad things God threw at them. When the Trees realized that God was mocking them with these trials, they quickly invented lightning rods and attached them to bushes. Hey, free will, right God old pal? God sulked for a week and then got over it. Soon after this squabble, God created platypuses which made him giggle and smile again. Praise to the tall Trees and the Burning Bushes.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

This Just In

“The Bus” has finally ground to a halt due to upwards of one billion human bodies being thrown under it while moving. “The Train” reports no problems and continues to run unimpeded. “The Boat” is all like ‘What about me?’ The “Horse and Buggy” have retired.

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