Thursday, July 22, 2010

Lyric Analysis Master Class Day 2

I hope you were paying attention during the last class. Today's lesson is much more advanced and in general much more important than the introductory class. To review, musical artists sometimes hide hidden meanings and philosophical commentary in the lyrics of their songs. This class will attempt to extract those meanings and make you better people in the process. Open your ears, close your eyes, button up your sweater (I'm looking at you, lady) and take off your shoes. Here we go.

“The Final Countdown” by Europe

We're leaving together
But still it's farewell
And maybe we'll come back
To earth, who can tell?
I guess there is no one to blame
We're leaving ground
Will things ever be the same again?

It's the final countdown
The final countdown

Analysis: The continent of Europe is planning on detaching from the Earth and traveling into Outer Space. Obviously, they forget the time that Jamaica tried the same thing with a “Weed Rocket” that was really just a giant joint. They got so stoned that they thought their houses were giant bags of Cheetos and started eating their way through drywall and plaster. Needless to say, this is a bad idea Europe. Stay on mother earth, for your children’s sake.

“Stairway to Heaven” by Led Zeppelin

There's a lady who's sure
All that glitters is gold
And she's buying a stairway to heaven

When she gets there she knows
If the stores are all closed
With a word she can get what she came for

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh
And she's buying a stairway to heaven

Analysis: Oprah is shopping again.

“Round Here” by Counting Crows

Maria says she's dying
Through the door, I hear her crying
Why? I don't know

Round here we always stand up straight
Round here something radiates

Analysis: Some chick named Maria is being overly dramatic again while everyone in town stands up straight and farts. This song makes me homesick.

“Safety Dance” by Men Without Hats

We can dance if we want to
We can leave your friends behind
'Cause your friends don't dance and if they don't dance
Well they're no friends of mine
I say, we can go where we want to
A place where they will never find
And we can act like we come from out of this world
Leave the real one far behind
And we can dance

Analysis: Some hipster jerkwads want you to ditch your friends because they don’t want to dance like dipshits. “A place they will never find” is probably just their sports-themed apartment with lame pseudo-metal blaring through their weak speakers. They will offer you some Bud Light Lime and a bowl of stale Wheat Thins while trying to feel you up. I’ll give you a tip: Men without Hats are probably not wearing hats because they couldn’t find one to fit their steroid-inflated balloon noggins. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

“Birdhouse In Your Soul” by They Might Be Giants

Blue canary in the outlet by the light switch
Who watches over you
Make a little birdhouse in your soul
Not to put too fine a point on it
Say I'm the only bee in your bonnet
Make a little birdhouse in your soul

Analysis: Your bedroom is infested with bees and killer bluebirds that get their power directly from electrical sockets. Sleep well little angels. *sinister laugh*

“Message in a Bottle” by The Police

I'll send an S.O.S. to the world
I'll send an S.O.S. to the world
I hope that someone gets my
I hope that someone gets my
I hope that someone gets my
Message in a bottle, yeah
Message in a bottle, yeah
Message in a bottle, yeah
Message in a bottle, yeah

Analysis: Someone needs to stop drinking and staying up late watching sappy movies about impossible romances and “wronged wives” and general "depressionality" (trademark).

Homework Assignment: Write a 20,000 word essay on the meaning of these lyrics:

"Electric Avenue" by Eddy Grant

We gonna rock down to Electric Avenue
And then we'll take it higher
Oh we gonna rock down to Electric Avenue
And then we'll take it higher

Talking points:

1. Where is 'higher' and how does it relate to the drug culture of today's society vis-a-vis the blah blah blah and the heretofore such and such?
2. What is 'Electric Avenue' as related to the um...hey a penny!
3. Who ate the last twinkie?
4. How many times do I have to tell you to replace the twinkies when you finish them?
5. Seriously, who ate it?
6. Do we have to sit here all day?
7. Whatever happened to Eddy Grant?
8. Is it true that Eddy Grant morphed overnight into Whoopi Goldberg right under America's nose?
9. Is is possible to rock UP to Electric Avenue depending on where you live (and the bus schedules)?
10. Who dat ninja?

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Oh Language, how I despise Thee

I wrote this post a while back about phrases and common sayings that I have grown to hate or that just generally confuse me.

I came up with a few more.

In keeping with the tradition of making 99 percent of blog posts on the internet about things that bother people (I put in a request to rename it the “Bother-net”) here are some choice words and prhases that bother me. I am not excluding myself from being guilty of saying all of these things, because I definitely have.

No one is more bothered BY me THAN me. Always know this.

Please to enjoy:



In an internet world where most human experiences are abbreviated, bite-sized and acronymic, I give you the most overused and ridiculous of all the internet buzz words: Meme. First, a few definitions:

--a cultural unit (an idea or value or pattern of behavior) that is passed from one person to another by non-genetic means (as by imitation); "memes are the cultural counterpart of genes"

--The term Internet meme is a phrase used to describe a catchphrase or concept that spreads quickly from person to person via the Internet, much like an esoteric inside joke.

--Meme is a department of Southwest Province in Cameroon. The department covers an area of 3,105 km² and as of 2001 had a total population of 300,318.The capital of the department lies at Kumba.

I see the phrase “passed from one person to another” and “spreads quickly from person to person”. Looks like we are talking about another of my favorite acronyms, STD, am I right high five? There’s nothing like a good ‘esoteric inside joke’ to make you feel like a complete ass at the internet party, right?

I personally choose to go with definition number three for meme. The next time someone comes at me with an esoteric inside internet joke, I will say “The capital of the department lies at Kumba” repeatedly until that person gets their esoteric hell away from me with a preferably high rate of esoteric speed.

“That being said”

‘That being said, I actually enjoy public fornication.’

‘That being said’ is another phrase that is wholly and completely unnecessary in the English language. We know already that you just said something; we heard you say it! Remember? We were here when you were saying it! You are trying to set a bookmark in history of your previous statement for some reason and no one knows why.

Why not ‘that being eaten’? ‘That being eaten, I will now complete my meal with this milkshake.’ Um, OK? I know it was eaten, I saw you do it already. Just keep on eating, OK? Or don’t?


This was a new one to me, since I’m old and every day I have to chase kids off my damn lawn with my walkin’ stick.

Damn kids. Oops, there goes my back again. Bunions! Other Old People maladies!

‘FTW’ stands for ‘For The Win’ and is used most commonly by people who feel like they need to be winning things that may not even necessarily be contests or that they may be the only participant in. Kind of like the ‘Honorable Mention’ ribbons that all the kids get for the Science Fair when they didn’t actually do any work.

‘Ham Sandwich, FTW!’ was one I saw the other day. Ham Sandwich, for the win! So that person won the sandwich contest, apparently (ham division). Good for that person, right? He’s been training for so long. It was overdue.

‘Condoms, FTW!’ – I agree that this is a well earned victory (unless the condom breaks, then it will change to ‘Condoms, FTB!’ (Condoms, for the Baby!)

‘Chuck Norris, FTW!’ – Chuck would hate anyone who said that to his bearded face. Hey, I just participated in a ‘Chuck Norris Meme!’ See what I did there? This blog is like beautiful rings of colored smoke, just intertwining and merging and forming a smoky rainbow. I’m like a god damned magician with this shit.


I have said it before, and I will say it again now: If people rolled around on the floor laughing their asses off in real life as much as they do on the internet, then we would all be committed to an asylum.

‘I went for a jog today. It was so humid! ROFLMAO!’

Imagine saying this seemingly un-funny statement to your friend, and then getting all the way down on the floor and rolling around laughing until tears poured down your face and your ass potentially started to detach itself? Your friend would be tempted to shoot you with a tranquilizer dart to make it easier to transport you to the nuthouse.

Don’t make your friends carry around dart guns.


This one stands for ‘Owned’ meaning ‘Dominated’ or ‘Beaten’ as mistyped by someone who is frantically trying to get the word from keyboard to screen and hits the ‘P’ key instead of the ‘O’ which is common due to their adjacency (adjacentness?).

‘You were just totally pwned by that girl at the bar who dumped a Long Island Iced Tea into your hat!’

Adding the word ‘totally’ in front of it implies the totality of the pwning as opposed to a normal pwning. The pronunciation of this word sounds like you are suppressing a burp (your cheeks puff out and everything).

‘I am letting that cheese steak know that it should be prepared to be pwned by me.’

You see how it works?


Welcome to the internet. It’s going to be a bumpy ride. I hope there are no aliens watching us trying to figure out our language before they make contact.

It may take a while.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Book of Maebe: Verse 99, Chapter 2

Hold hands with Jesus whilst you walk the path of enlightenment. If ye chose to not hold hands, ye could get hurt. And make sure ye look both ways before crossing the road of the damned. Hey, don’t let go of Jesus’ hand! HOLD HANDS WITH JESUS! That’s it I’m taking all of your coloring books and crayons away! I SAID HOLD HANDS! Fine, get run over by a chariot, see if I care! WHY WON”T YOU LISTEN TO ME?!?! JESUS!

Monday, July 12, 2010

Kids say the darndest Russian things

I haven’t written about my kids in a while, so let’s remedy that. I have three year old twins. One boy, one girl. Or two gender non-specific demons, whichever way you want to count. My daughter has lately taken to saying things like “I don’t like your voice!” and then frowning at me very dramatically; usually when I’m asking her to do something she doesn’t want to do. The odd part about this is the fact that she pronounces “voice” like “woice”, similar to how Russian spies said things in the 50’s.

“Tell me where the nuclear wessel is, or I will be wery wery angry!”

What if she is part Russian? What if she is a spy? That would make a lot of things make sense. Like all the times I see her peeking around corners and then run away quickly when she notices that I see her. Or that one time that I found her fast asleep on a set of blueprints that were quite clearly the main chamber of the United Nations. Or the other time that I caught her holding a cell phone and whispering into it. I asked her who she was talking to, and she said “Grandma”. Now, I’m not so sure.

My son, on the other hand, laughs all the time very loud and exaggeratedly. He doesn’t speak with a Russian accent, but he does dance a lot. I mean, all the time. I catch him spinning down hallways all the time with his hands in the air. One time I told him dinner was ready, and he threw a piece of cardboard on the floor and spun on his head. He ended in an elaborate pose and said “Dinner’s wiggity-wack, Dad. So are you.” Then he did the worm all the way down the hallway.

My kids are little darlings: A Russian spy and a Break dancing insane asylum escapee.

One with a lot of hair, one not so much.

One likes to kick, one likes to punch (the target is my balls in both cases).

One likes to draw, one likes to build things with blocks, one likes to drink beer (all three are me).

One likes to sing, one likes to read, both like to scream “I DON’T LIKE YOUR VOICE!” in public.

I’m going to produce a movie about them. The working title is “Target: Balls -- Electric Boogaloo” Here is the synopsis:

“A Russian spy and a Break Dancing screamer on a fun filled romp across Europe. Featuring the music of Rogers and Hammerstein, with fight choreography by Jean Claude Van Damme”

Are you telling me you aren’t already digging around for money to go see this movie? Exactly.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Self Portrait

Thursday, July 1, 2010

I done gone and been Tagged

She got me.

This bloggin' lady 'tagged' me with some questions that I have to answer. Then I tag some other people and they have to answer my questions, ad infinitum. Look, I know "tag" is slang for "sex" in some cultures, but this is a family establishment. Knock it off.

Now pardon me while I tag five other people in approximately 2 minutes.

Hey, grow up!

1. When was the last time you played air guitar? Come on, I'm not asking you to admit you still listen to Def Leppard.

I play real guitar. You get me? REAL guitar. 24/7. Actually, the closest thing to air guitar I’ve played recently is in ‘Rock Band’. Call it plastic guitar.

I have recently performed ‘air surgery’ and ‘air murder-ed’ someone. Do those count?

2. What's the oldest thing in your fridge?

A block of cheddar cheese. How old is it? Well, we have a nice conversation every night before bed about the rise of totalitarianism in Eastern Europe and its impact on world Economics. It also plays the most heartbreaking violin sonata you will ever hear.

3. Vampires, zombies or please make it stop?

Please. Vampires are hot, they have sex all the time while spontaneously tearing people’s throats open with their teeth (see True Blood on HBO for proof), they turn into bats and fly, they never get old, they are immortal, they only walk around at night because sunlight sets them on fire, there is a character on Sesame Street that is a vampire and vampires are amazing dancers, in any style from any time period.

Zombies stumble and slowly try to eat people.

I think the answer is self evident.

4.If you had to change your current profession, and could be anything, what would you do?

I would be a roadie for Def Leppard.

5. Undergarment of choice

Black silk boxers. Two printed words. “Yes” in front. “No” in back. Next question.

6. What is the tackiest thing you own?

A blacklight poster of Debbie Gibson riding a Unicorn while Tiffany shoots arrows at her from a bitchin’ motorcycle. It was made at the height of the Debbie Gibson vs. Tiffany teen idol battle. Winner of the battle: America.

7. Summer with no air conditioning or winter with no heat?

Definitely winter with no heat. Fireplaces always work. There is no such thing as an “air conditioning fireplace” as far as I know. If you have one, then you are a wizard and are most likely casting some kind of spell on me right now. Go away.

8. Desert island time: Wow, there is a band that will play whenever your snap your fingers, and OMG, it's your favorite!!!! Who is it?

Men Without Hats. Or Women with Hats. Whichever.


I picked five lucky suckers:

Vacant Mind

Jens Voices


She Don't Make False Claims

Caffeinated Bliss

And here are the five questions that must be answered:

1. Which character would you be on 'Friends' and why? (HINT: I would so TOTALLY be Rachel! OMG!)

Sorry about that. A teenage girl from 1993 time travelled and took control of my blog for 11 minutes. That was a close call.

1. How many M&Ms could you eat in one sitting? Round up.

2. Do you own an iPhone, and why / why not?

3. Describe the first time you were aware that you had feelings for me that went beyond the “criminal suspect” feelings that the Police have for me.

4. Describe the one t-shirt that you should have thrown away five years ago but you still inexplicably find in your t-shirt drawer.

5. Why did the new Twilight movie make 30 million dollars in 3 hours?
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