It is written that the unicorns and rainbows will unite to form a perfect union of shade and light. And the Elephants will wear top hats and dance to the sounds of Duke Ellington and his Orchestra while Monkeys keep time with firecrackers. Yay though the grass speaks in tounges and the trees bend with the weight of Gorilla poop, the heathens and the chosen few will dance like Kevin Bacon in Footloose while small babies will roll down the hills of candy canes and LEGALIZE WEED!
I admit, I have been inspired lately by country music. I started writing my own country ballad last night, and I think I have a hit on my hands. I think that’s what is on my hands *looking closely at my hands*. Anyway, here are the lyrics to the next “Song of the Year” at the 2010 Grammys. You heard it here first.
Jesus, Hold My Balls
VERSE: In the dark and lonely night I see a shining star I walk into the light And there you are
The water on my hands Gives me a quiet calm I drop my pants Adopt a stance And sing you this song…
CHORUS: Jesus, Hold My Balls While I pee It takes the strength of two good men To get the piss out of me And when the time arrives I will look to you on high Jesus, Hold My Balls For me
VERSE: As I expel the last golden drop I sympathize With every other man on earth Who has tears in his eyes
No one there to help him No one there to care No one there to cradle his nuts What an unlucky pair!
CHORUS (with Gospel Choir): Jesus Held my Balls For Me It took the combined effort Of two men, now I’m urine-free But now he won’t let go I wish he would let go Jesus, let go of my balls Pretty Please Jesus, I’m done, let go Thank Ye
OUTRO – FADE:
Jesus, I’m serious, let go
Jesus, what is your problem?
Look, you helped, and I’m grateful, now, get going.
Really, thanks for everything; I’m going back to bed.
Adios? Vaya Con Dios?
There you have it. I’ll wait until you wipe your tears. There you go. There you go. It’s OK. I’m working on the music next. Hopefully I’ll get into the studio within the next couple of months. I’m looking to shop this song around to Carrie Underwood, Tim Urban, Brad Paisley or maybe even Randy Travis. If I can’t get one of them on board, maybe Weird Al Yankovic will take a shot. Either way, I’m going to be rich and famous. So long suckers!
1. I’m a wild bitch when I get anywhere near a Donkey Kong arcade machine.
2. The toes on my left foot all bend toward the south no matter where I’m standing. The toes on my right foot don’t bend at all. The toes on my hands bend on their own, all the time. I didn’t get a lot of dates in high school.
3. I have a tattoo of a bull’s eye on my left butt cheek. That serves as a reminder to all the haters to show them where they can plant a big sloppy kiss! Oh. Snap. No. He. Didn’t.
4. I am fluent in one language: Kung Fu.
5. I like to run through water parks screaming “IT’S URINE! IT’S ALL URINE!”
6. I frequently call antique shops and ask them if they “have it” in a quiet voice. If they answer me with a quiet “yes” then I know where to send the police.
7. I wore my hair in a “mullet” style until 2007. It was then I discovered hallucinogens. I now wear my hair where my pants used to be. Just in case.
8. I invented the “num lock” key on all standard keyboards. Before me, numbers were unlocked and just running free all over the countryside, shitting all over everything. Keep them locked, for the sake of Mother Earth.
9. I attended Princeton University and graduated in 15 minutes. By “attended” I mean I visited their finest rest room. You can probably figure out what “graduated” means. In this case.
10. I like to walk down crowded streets flexing my muscles to deter any would-be muggers. I also consider the penis to be a muscle.
11. I once met the president of Africa and asked him “Hey, what’s up with all the Lions and shit?” He laughed and had me jailed for 15 years. I never did find out what was up with all the lions…
12. Every time I see a homeless baby begging for change, I give them a quarter. I know they will probably take it right to the liquor store, but I’m a sucker that way I guess.
13. Growing up, I had an imaginary friend named Charlie. He left me when I was six because I wouldn’t share my birthday cake with him. The last time I saw him, he was a male prostitute working the corner of 6th and Madison. Once in a while I’ll drive by and throw a piece of cake at him, just to remind him how much his life could have been different.
14. My eyes are the exact shade of blue that exists only in Heaven. Or in your dreams about Heaven.
15. I like to read books about reading books. I never know when they are finished though.
16. Every time I watch Titanic, the ending just gets funnier and funnier. The next time I watch it, I will probably combust from laughter.
17. I had a Siamese twin named Hundreds of Atoms Man who was separated from me at age 5. He was a little fella, but a hell of a good cook.
18. My pectoral muscles are, quite frankly, God-like.
19. I made just over one million dollars in one night in Atlantic City. I played the nickel slots for like ten seconds, said “Fuck this noise” and robbed a bank.
20. Every time I hear the song “Single Ladies (put a ring on it)”, I blackout and piss my pants. By the time I am revived, I usually can’t remember who I am for an hour. For this reason, I have not been invited to any weddings or sweet sixteen parties in the past year.
21. I have only owned one pet in my life: a parakeet. That parakeet tried to kill me with a poorly timed chop to the throat. R.I.P. Beaky.
22. For the first seventeen years of my life I claimed I was Alfred Hitchcock. My first birthday party was patently bizarre at best. I fooled everyone by telling a made up anecdote about the movie “Psycho” (The ‘shower scene’ was filmed using a live pig’s blood). The kids in my daycare were scared shitless any time I walked into the room.