Google needs to be taught a lesson

Today, I typed ‘millionsofatoms’ into Google to see what came up. Google had the audacity to say ‘Did you mean millionsoftoys’ in its annoying Google-y voice and stuck up attitude. To hide my embarrassment at secretly wanting to mean that (I mean, millions of toys? Who wouldn’t mean that?) I slapped Google around and berated it for being so damned stupid. Then I paused and had an energy drink to get my strength back. Then I went back to Google who was cowering in the corner trying to stop the bleeding and said:

“No, Google, I meant ‘millionsofmindyourowngoddamnedbusiness’” *backhand*

I then Googled myself and went to sleep.

DISCLAIMER: Google is a technology and not a person or a thing with physical properties. Please do not try to slap Google or otherwise attack it. Google has been proven to cause lung cancer in lab rats. Do not try to eat Google or otherwise consume it. Google should never be inserted directly into the anus. This could cause death or cancer or both at once. Please to not place Google on your head or use Google as a safety apparatus. Please do not use Google on an icy surface as it has been shown to cause severe head trauma at high speeds. Please do not speak directly to Google or look at Google for longer than 12 seconds. Prolonged exposure to Google can result in blindness and pre-term labor in pregnant women and lab rats. You CAN refer to Google as ‘Gooble’ because that is what my son calls it and anything he says is correct.

Google Trap

I have had quite a few Google hits from people searching for information on “Clubbed Thumbs” due to this entry I wrote last year: Clubbed Thumbs. Currently, my “Clubbed Thumbs” blog entry is the eleventh result in a Google search on “Clubbed Thumbs”, believe it or not. I was flattered for a minute and then I realized the sad state of affairs for Clubbed Thumbers when my ridiculous post is the eleventh most pertinent web entry on this medical condition. I picture poor people searching Google for legitimate information and help, instead stumbling into this buffoonery. That being said, I want more people getting stuck here while searching for legitimate help (who wouldn’t?). Therefore, I am littering this post with some (hopefully) common Google searches and some other medical conditions besides Clubbed Thumbs making this post an official Google Trap. So, without further ado, here we go (despair, for there is no escape):

MALE PATTERN BALDNESS

ERECTILE DISFUNCTION

CLUBBED FEET

HARELIP HELP AND INFO

PIGEON TOES AND THE PEOPLE WHO LIVE WITH THEM

KELLY CLARKSON

PINKEYE

HEART PALPITATIONS

TATTOO REMOVAL

OCTOMOM

REMOVE WRINKLES FOREVER

PENIS ENLARGEMENT

OPRAH

GROW A FOOT TALLER IN 10 SECONDS

TYRA BANKS

TURF TOE

WART REMOVAL

WART ENHANCEMENT

MAKE GOLD IN YOUR BASEMENT

MONEY TREES AND HOW TO GROW THEM

SEX

Bring them to me, Google. I command you. Bring them to me.