Friday, October 14, 2011

Do’s and Don’ts on your next job interview

“The economy is headed straight down the large pipe that carries all human fecal matter into our great oceans.”
--Barack Obama

If that quote doesn’t scare the shit out of you, nothing will. I am nothing if not a realist. There are many people out of work these days; even you. You are out of work. You may not know it yet, but you are. They just haven’t told you yet. You have been fired. Your services are no longer required. Hit the streets. Fuck off. I’m serious.

Now that you are out of work I want you to have this list of Dos and Don’ts for the interview process. Be a do bee, not a don’t bee, and this will all work out OK. Just don’t swim in the ocean.

DO – Arrive for your interview thirty minutes early; preferably on a zip line smashing through the main window of the CEO’s office.

DON’T – Reach across the desk and stroke the cheek of your interviewer with your index finger and say “I could be real good to you.”

DO – Bring a list of questions about the company to ask at the end of your interview. Questions like:
-- Where all the white women at?
-- Is this the type of party in which there will be hookers?
-- When the CEO embezzled over 25 million dollars worth of company funds, was there at least an ice cream cake party at the bottom of everything? Was that his motivation?
-- Do the water fountains turn on automatically when you get near them? I find that after 9 AM, for the rest of the day, my god damned arms just won’t work or really move much at all.
-- Is this the company that makes Angry Birds?
-- Can I get an Angry Bird?
-- Are the Angry Birds artificially angry or do you purposely provoke them?
-- Are they actually birds or actors in suits?

DON’T – Shoot anyone while you are waiting to begin your interview. Some companies take this as a sign of weakness, since real men and women fight to the death via hand to hand combat with people who infringe upon their personal space.

DO – Open your mouth as wide as you can and keep it open at least 25 to 30 times during the interview. This will keep you relaxed while at the same time allow your interviewer to examine any recent dental work you may have had. Happy Teeth equals Happy Pete. NOTE: This will only work if your interviewer is named Pete.

DON’T – Inquire about the “availability” of the secretary you met when you arrived.
1. She is definitely available.
2. Not to you, dumpy.

DO – Complement your interviewer on their appearance as soon as you see them and as many times as you can in the next hour. Accompany this with physical aggression whenever possible. This will quickly establish your position as the alpha dog, while making the interviewer feel very good about how they look.

DON’T – Produce your resume until it is asked for or at all. If you do decide to take your resume out, don’t consider your penis a resume. It is not that.

DO – Wear a suit or a nice dress to your interview. Take it off as fast as you can before you get inside the building. The maintenance staff should take good care of your clothing outside while you dazzle the entire office with your natural god given talents.

DON’T – Use open handed slaps as punctuation for your sentences. This will result in an interviewer with very red cheeks which will cause you to laugh and not concentrate on securing your new job.

DO – Dance.

DON’T – Care.

DO – Crack your knuckles frequently during the interview process. This demonstrates an inner toughness and hints at the fact that you may be a bare-knuckle boxer in your spare time.

DON’T – Bring a lunch to your interview. You will most likely be presented with a five course meal at any interview that you attend. If you aren’t offered a meal, call 911 right away.

DO – Ask about the benefits the company offers. Among the benefits you should inquire about:
-- Friends with benefits
-- 401k, 401j, 401x, 402a, 403b
-- Dental reconstruction and titanium plating
-- Brain implants that give you the ability to see through walls and shit
-- The power of flight
-- Personal time off (ask for 30 weeks, but don’t go below 20)
-- Lawyer fees and general “bail me out of jail” crap
-- Ice Cream Allowances

DON’T – Sit on the lap of your interviewer at any time during the process. They will most likely try to sing you a lullaby and put you to sleep while rocking you gently. After that? God only knows what would happen.

DO – Immediately show outrage when asked about your salary requirements. I recommend saying: “If they won’t give me what I want, then you tell them I’m gunning for them! You tell them I’M COMING! AND HELL’S COMING WITH ME!”

Good luck on the job hunting trail. At least now you are armed with the knowledge you need to ace any interview. Before, you were just a baby with a suit on trying not to crap on the floor. Now you are an adult trying not to crap on the floor.

The difference is invaluable.

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Urgent Questions: XIV

How many times has the earth opened up under your feet and expelled hellacious demons and winged creatures screaming the cries of the eternally damned? Zero? Exactly. Will you go sleep in your own bed now?

Did you ever have one of those days where you just waltz into your boss’ office and say “Hey baldy, I’d like to let you in on a little secret…*whispering* you had me at…*sob*…expense report. *uncontrollable sobbing*” That’s an excerpt from my upcoming book “One way ticket to layoff-town: The fast track to poverty and homelessness.”

If Doctor Feelgood gave you a prescription for the “summertime blues”, would you tell him “I got the fever, and you got the cure! All this heroin makes my veins feel like tiny highways in hell! I would shake your hand, but I don’t know where mine are, and you look like a stone gargoyle with rainbow eyes! Great Balls of FIRE! Good Golly MISS MOLLY!” That’s not Doctor Feelgood, that’s your parole officer, and welcome back to rehab.

I can’t go to weddings anymore. I quickly find myself surrounded by 40 year old men all dancing like Fred “Rerun” Berry from What’s Happening. That’s enough to scare anyone into a coke habit.

When I hear people say “He really dances to the beat of a different drummer!” I think to myself “Why did God create so many retarded drummers?”

If four and twenty blackbirds were baked in a pie, would I have you arrested for animal cruelty right away, or let you continue your disgusting cooking habits?

If Mr. Clean grew his hair out and started panhandling down by Penn Station, would you call him “Mr. Filthy bum who needs to get a job”?

Will I ever be able to look at a park bench and not think about the time that I named one “Hazel” and tried to pass her off as my girlfriend? Will you ever stop bringing up the time Hazel and I showed up at the prom, and her dress was a little tight, and everyone called her Fatbench? She never got over that, thanks a lot.

If Mister Mister played a concert with Duran Duran, would the crowd puke from laughing so hard at all of the double-named bands playing on the bill, or would some jackass yell out “Freebird Freebird!” during the encore?

Will Tony ever wake up next to Lucy and think to himself “Lucy is an Italian whore’s name. Why in the world did I marry an Italian whore? Did I honestly think that she would give her heart to me and only me? Does she ever long to be back on the street, turning tricks and smoking Italian crack while eating meatballs? What have I done?” Relax Tony, Lucy is your dog. How many times do we have to go over this?

If you opened up a restaurant in Manhattan, would you call it “Craptastic Wonderburger Emporium of Country Fried Skullduggery and Yumtummery”? I would really appreciate it. That was my Grandmother’s dying wish.

If you wear a bowtie to your cousin’s wedding, and it suddenly starts spinning like a propeller during the ceremony, will you hurriedly try to stop it from spinning, or will you go with it and stand up in the church singing “Hello my baby, hello my honey, hello my ragtime gaaaaaaal!” while tap dancing? Good choice.
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