Catastrophe Preparedness Plan

The Department of Homeland Security has released a “Catastrophe Preparedness Plan” that every man woman and child in the world needs to read and memorize immediately. As a public service, I am making this plan available here free of charge. Please read it and take it to heart. It could save your life one day.

1. Keep at least a Gallon of your own urine in a plastic container under your kitchen sink at all times.

2. Make sure your house pets are trained in Karate and know at least two secondary languages. “German” and “Keith Richards” are preferred.

3. Open a checking account in your name and fill it with jelly beans. Most banks should allow this. If any bank denies this request, pour the jelly beans on the floor and run away as fast as you can. The bank will have no choice but to deposit them.

4. Store a ten pound bag of large sized firecrackers in your basement to be used as a light source. Teach your youngest child where they are and how to use a lighter or matches. Babies should be made aware of the firecrackers and should be prepared to light matches with their teeth or against the edge of their bottles or pacifiers.

5. Send your family to a twenty week Marine-style boot camp. Notify your children that “aliens will attack the whiners first” if you are met with any resistance.

6. Take any money you have and have it all changed to singles. If anyone makes jokes about strip clubs then refer to number one in this list. You should know what to do from there.

7. Paint every surface in your house and surrounding houses (after dark) white. Then have your skin pigment changed to albino (pink eyes optional). Camouflage is important when dealing with catastrophes. You don’t want anyone to find you and try to blame you for said catastrophe, right?

8. Run screaming from your house with no clothes on and immediately begin digging a hole in your neighbor’s front yard to hide in. Your neighbors need to expect this when a catastrophe happens, so no time like the present to prepare them.

9. Set up a large loudspeaker on your roof and broadcast a loud alarm signal to notify the neighborhood that there is a catastrophe happening. Test this alarm every half hour.

10. Call 911 every Thursday morning and use the code phrase “I am drunk and have shot my scrotum off.” Disregard any police activity at or near your house.

11. Pick a good hiding spot near your mailbox and make sure you can quickly get to, and subdue, your mailman. It is common knowledge that catastrophes commonly start at the postal service level.

12. Work on improving your vertical leap. As our forefathers wrote in the Declaration of Independence: “Ain’t no flood that can’t be out jumped.”

13. Open all of your windows and light a large fire in the middle of your house. The smoke signals will be able to be seen from miles around and will alert rescuers to your presence.

14. Practice your “shouting voice” by screaming or shouting the phrase “Help, I find myself caught in a sudden catastrophe!” Make sure you shout this phrase after 1 am every night, preferably into a microphone attached to the loudspeaker mentioned in rule 9.

15. Ask your friends to set up hidden traps on your property to make sure that you are alert at all hours. The traps should be well concealed and cause significant pain if sprung. Once the traps are sprung, move them to your neighbor’s yard and reset.

16. Give your friends and neighbors friendly reminder phone calls and emails. The phone calls should occur every 10 minutes in case they aren’t home and the emails should be sent via an automated computer program once every 5 seconds. This is to ensure that everyone you care about is prepared for a catastrophe.

17. Learn to hang glide off of your roof or the highest tree on your property. You would be surprised how far you can get with a well timed leap and a Category 5 hurricane.

18. Make sure you immediately kill and remove any animal that steps onto your property. Animals can’t talk or read emails, and often urinate and defecate on themselves, and you need to be able to communicate with every living thing you can without throwing up or becoming frustrated or confused. If you are unable or unwilling to kill these animals, refer to rule number 2.

19. Shoot rocket flares off into the air each night to test visibility. If possible, shoot one at ground level down your street to alert your neighbors of any suspicious catastrophic activity. Again, disregard any police response.

20. Clench your butt cheeks together for no less than 45 minutes each morning. If you pass out before 45 minutes then you are unprepared for even the most minor of catastrophes.

21. Build a catapult that you can use to get essential supplies to other houses in your immediate vicinity. To test the range of the catapult, put at least 100 pounds worth of biodegradable material (i.e. Dung, Horse Manure, Fertilizer, Urine, Rancid Pork, Bull Semen) into a plastic bag and fire the bag towards random spots in the neighborhood. Repeat once a day at various times and in differing weather conditions.

22. Winter Only: Ice your driveway and practice running full speed down the length of it carrying your children, valuables and at least 3 five pound bags of rice without losing your balance. Catastrophes happen in winter too.

23. Make full-sized mannequins in the likenesses of you and your family members (pets included). Light them on fire and throw them into the street in front of your house. Hide somewhere inconspicuously and test the reactions of your neighbors. If there is no reaction, repeat this test but throw the flaming mannequins onto the roof of your neighbor’s house.

24. Teach yourself to breathe using a straw and a can of compressed air, such as Cheese-Whiz or Redi-Whip. Disregard any lightheadedness or hallucinations you may experience as this is all part of preparing for a catastrophe.

25. Pick a “rallying cry” for you and your family members should you find yourselves separated in the woods or a crowded area. Practice this cry with your family in crowded places such as movie theatres, doctor’s waiting rooms and libraries. Try to avoid using animal noises as that could cause some conflict with rule 18.

26. Cut a long strip of white cloth from your bed sheets and tie it to a long stick. Run from your house as fast as you can with this ‘signal stick’ held high above your head. Pump your legs as high and fast as you can, raising your knees to your chest with each step. This will prevent you from getting bogged down in any stray radioactive waste or flood water. This signal stick will be a quick way to identify you as someone who is in the middle of a catastrophe. Repeat this with and without clothing each morning just after sunrise.

27. Optional: If you have a large dog, fit the dog with a saddle and train it to accept a human passenger.

28. Optional: If you only have one leg, immediately purchase a second one.

29. Optional: If you have blue eyes, well you have nothin’ to worry about sweet thing.

30. Breathe. Everything will be OK. As long as you have a gas mask and a bomb shelter.

Please print this CPP and attach it to every door and window in your house and your neighbor’s house when they are asleep. Thank you for your efforts.