Surfing

I propose that we all stop using the phrase “Surf the Internet.” I have suggested this to the new President and he gave me a pat on the head and sent me off with a glass of milk. I think he was trying to avoid the subject. Surfing is a dangerous, athletic sport that requires unparalleled balance and stamina. Going to a website requires a working finger (or barring a working finger, I suppose one useable toe would suffice). Don’t fall into the trap of feeling like maybe you did some exercise that day because you “Surfed” for 5 hours. I think in the end America’s fitness issues are in part hampered by this phrase. Many people claim exercise due to “surfing all day” which we all know to be false. Have you ever moved your mouse a few inches and then put your arms out dramatically to either side of you shouting “WHOA!” like you almost lost your balance? If you have, then go see a doctor because you probably have a serious inner ear infection. I worry about you. Plus “surf” and “web” don’t even remotely go together. That is like saying “Paddle the Limo”, “Ski the Golf Course” or “Eat the Brussels’ Sprouts”. Total nonsense.

I propose we use one of the following new phrases to replace the old “Surf the Internet” abomination. Please vote and I’ll forward the results to the following authorities: God, Octomom, Lauren Conrad of 'The Hills', Keenan Ivory Wayans, the other 74 Wayans Brothers, Fred "Rerun" Berry, Thomas the Tank Engine and Madonna.

--Spin the Spiderwebs (spooky and mysterious...)
--Ride the Info-Coaster (Ups, downs, occasional vomiting...)
--Screw the Library (Self-explanatory.)
--SOAP: Search Out Animal Pornography (NOTE: Remove this before posting. IMPORTANT!)
--Be Awesomely Anonymous (BAAAAAAAAAA!)
--Walk the Light-Rope (Fiber optics? Light based data delivery? It’s a stretch, but I’m counting on you to stretch with me. And if you read the stuff on here regularly, you are going to have to stretch more than Elastic Man.)
--Mouse Trap! (Exclamation points always make things sound better and more exciting. Also, Mouse Trap is an awesome game I used to play when I was a kid, so double bonus points for this one.)
--Sausage Links (I’m starving.)
--Sweet Potato Link...Fries...Web (*looking around for some Ritz Crackers or something*)
--Hitchhike on the Pancake Superhighway (Ok, I have to go get something to eat.)
--Linky-Loo (My kids both love this one, for some reason.)
--Orbit Planet Uranus (*giggle* Forgive me, this is supposed to be serious.)
--Orbit Planet Linkatron (There that is much more serious.)
--Burn up the Floojit (Floojit? It’s pronounced “Stop asking so many questions about the words I use.”)
--Skydive into Link Heaven (OK, I may have written that one while I was “under the influence” (of pancakes)).
--Wear a Heavy Coat (That isn’t a suggestion for a new phrase; it’s just a friendly reminder. It’s cold out.)

I am welcome to other suggestions as well. Please help me redefine the internet and the way the world sees it. Now pardon me while I go “Vigorously lift weights” the “Television”.

End Of Days

Friends and neighbors, I come to you a humble and frightened man today. I read some news that will surely bring the End of Days. DO NOT PANIC! In this dark hour, it is important that we band together and take care of each other until we can find a solution. Okay, I’m just going to come out with it, like ripping a band-aid off with one pull:

Oprah Winfrey has gained weight.

I know, it is the worst possible scenario for the planet. She hasn’t just “gained weight”, she has “amassed fat” to the tune of two bills (two hundred pounds in Canadian metric scale), and that is a disjointed tune, my friends. I know what you are thinking. How can a woman who can command the weather and decides whether or not there will be light or darkness on any given day let something like this happen? How can a national treasure that has the ability to read minds and can catch bullets with her teeth become so horrifically downtrodden? How can “O” gain so much “W”? Her personal trainers have done their best, but she has let us all in on a little secret: Oprah is afraid of exercise. Who can blame her? Aren’t we mortals all afraid of elliptical machines with their non-circular motions and sharp claws? Stairmasters with rotating steps that literally go nowhere! There be monsters in yon treadmill! Stephen King couldn’t write a more frightening novel! Between you and me (and Bobby McGee) I have always believed that weights are too heavy to lift. Plus, they can easily be dropped and make a comical hole in the floor through which you can see your downstairs neighbor cooking dinner.

Speaking of dinner, what is Oprah supposed to do with such clearly inferior personal chefs and assistants? They are obviously overworked and have shirked their duties to the point that Oprah Winfrey is fat! Again! Is no one as outraged as me? I mean, how is she supposed to fly her Lear jet to Cabo San Lucas when she can’t even fit into the dress she wore to the Oscars a year ago? Has the world gone mad? Mark my words, this is just the beginning. There are many theorists who are predicting the end of the world due to the fact that the Mayan calendar ends in the year 2012. In three years from now, imagine how immense Oprah will be if something isn’t done now! Let me throw down a little timeline for you: 2009…Oprah is 200 pounds…2012…Oprah is 500 pounds…Mayan Calendar ends….the connections are too numerous to even ignore. 2012 = Oprah stuck in a vortex = Yahtzee = Game Over.

We know the problem now. Oprah, giver of light, has bravely stepped forward and let us see what has become of her. What can we, as a nation, do? That is the real question here. President-Elect Barack Obama says he is a man of change; well Mr. Obama here is your first challenge! Let the gauntlet be thrown! I say, alert the United Nations! We already have a “peacekeeping force,” why not an “Oprahkeeping force”? You know France will jump on board. Sure the economy is a disaster. Millions of American workers are out of jobs and homeless. Look beyond these selfish humans: Oprah has lost control of her mouth and chewing/swallowing mechanisms! She needs more qualified personal trainers! Take some bailout money and immediately send it to Oprah’s personal chefs! Restore Oprah to her rightful size! She actually referred to herself as a “fat cow” in a nationally available interview! Are you going to stand by and let this happen? No more! Stop this disgraceful spiral now! De-claw the elliptical trainers! Give the Stairmasters a destination! Smoke out the treadmill demons! Shut down the Hamburger Plants! If not now, when? If not you, who? If not Oprah, Who-prah?

The universe (and the Mayan civilization) is waiting.