I hope you were paying attention during the last class. Today's lesson is much more advanced and in general much more important than the introductory class. To review, musical artists sometimes hide hidden meanings and philosophical commentary in the lyrics of their songs. This class will attempt to extract those meanings and make you better people in the process. Open your ears, close your eyes, button up your sweater (I'm looking at you, lady) and take off your shoes. Here we go.“The Final Countdown” by Europe
We're leaving together
But still it's farewell
And maybe we'll come back
To earth, who can tell?
I guess there is no one to blame
We're leaving ground
Will things ever be the same again?
It's the final countdown
The final countdown
Analysis: The continent of Europe is planning on detaching from the Earth and traveling into Outer Space. Obviously, they forget the time that Jamaica tried the same thing with a “Weed Rocket” that was really just a giant joint. They got so stoned that they thought their houses were giant bags of Cheetos and started eating their way through drywall and plaster. Needless to say, this is a bad idea Europe. Stay on mother earth, for your children’s sake.
“Stairway to Heaven” by Led Zeppelin
There's a lady who's sure
All that glitters is gold
And she's buying a stairway to heaven
When she gets there she knows
If the stores are all closed
With a word she can get what she came for
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh
And she's buying a stairway to heaven
Analysis: Oprah is shopping again.
“Round Here” by Counting Crows
Maria says she's dying
Through the door, I hear her crying
Why? I don't know
Round here we always stand up straight
Round here something radiates
Analysis: Some chick named Maria is being overly dramatic again while everyone in town stands up straight and farts. This song makes me homesick.
“Safety Dance” by Men Without Hats
We can dance if we want to
We can leave your friends behind
'Cause your friends don't dance and if they don't dance
Well they're no friends of mine
I say, we can go where we want to
A place where they will never find
And we can act like we come from out of this world
Leave the real one far behind
And we can dance
Analysis: Some hipster jerkwads want you to ditch your friends because they don’t want to dance like dipshits. “A place they will never find” is probably just their sports-themed apartment with lame pseudo-metal blaring through their weak speakers. They will offer you some Bud Light Lime and a bowl of stale Wheat Thins while trying to feel you up. I’ll give you a tip: Men without Hats are probably not wearing hats because they couldn’t find one to fit their steroid-inflated balloon noggins. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
“Birdhouse In Your Soul” by They Might Be Giants
Blue canary in the outlet by the light switch
Who watches over you
Make a little birdhouse in your soul
Not to put too fine a point on it
Say I'm the only bee in your bonnet
Make a little birdhouse in your soul
Analysis: Your bedroom is infested with bees and killer bluebirds that get their power directly from electrical sockets. Sleep well little angels. *sinister laugh*
“Message in a Bottle” by The Police
I'll send an S.O.S. to the world
I'll send an S.O.S. to the world
I hope that someone gets my
I hope that someone gets my
I hope that someone gets my
Message in a bottle, yeah
Message in a bottle, yeah
Message in a bottle, yeah
Message in a bottle, yeah
Analysis: Someone needs to stop drinking and staying up late watching sappy movies about impossible romances and “wronged wives” and general "depressionality" (trademark).
Homework Assignment: Write a 20,000 word essay on the meaning of these lyrics:
"Electric Avenue" by Eddy Grant
We gonna rock down to Electric Avenue
And then we'll take it higher
Oh we gonna rock down to Electric Avenue
And then we'll take it higher
Talking points:
1. Where is 'higher' and how does it relate to the drug culture of today's society vis-a-vis the blah blah blah and the heretofore such and such?
2. What is 'Electric Avenue' as related to the um...hey a penny!
3. Who ate the last twinkie?
4. How many times do I have to tell you to replace the twinkies when you finish them?
5. Seriously, who ate it?
6. Do we have to sit here all day?
7. Whatever happened to Eddy Grant?
8. Is it true that Eddy Grant morphed overnight into Whoopi Goldberg right under America's nose?
9. Is is possible to rock UP to Electric Avenue depending on where you live (and the bus schedules)?
10. Who dat ninja?
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