Urgent Questions: XIV

How many times has the earth opened up under your feet and expelled hellacious demons and winged creatures screaming the cries of the eternally damned? Zero? Exactly. Will you go sleep in your own bed now?

Did you ever have one of those days where you just waltz into your boss’ office and say “Hey baldy, I’d like to let you in on a little secret…*whispering* you had me at…*sob*…expense report. *uncontrollable sobbing*” That’s an excerpt from my upcoming book “One way ticket to layoff-town: The fast track to poverty and homelessness.”

If Doctor Feelgood gave you a prescription for the “summertime blues”, would you tell him “I got the fever, and you got the cure! All this heroin makes my veins feel like tiny highways in hell! I would shake your hand, but I don’t know where mine are, and you look like a stone gargoyle with rainbow eyes! Great Balls of FIRE! Good Golly MISS MOLLY!” That’s not Doctor Feelgood, that’s your parole officer, and welcome back to rehab.

I can’t go to weddings anymore. I quickly find myself surrounded by 40 year old men all dancing like Fred “Rerun” Berry from What’s Happening. That’s enough to scare anyone into a coke habit.

When I hear people say “He really dances to the beat of a different drummer!” I think to myself “Why did God create so many retarded drummers?”

If four and twenty blackbirds were baked in a pie, would I have you arrested for animal cruelty right away, or let you continue your disgusting cooking habits?

If Mr. Clean grew his hair out and started panhandling down by Penn Station, would you call him “Mr. Filthy bum who needs to get a job”?

Will I ever be able to look at a park bench and not think about the time that I named one “Hazel” and tried to pass her off as my girlfriend? Will you ever stop bringing up the time Hazel and I showed up at the prom, and her dress was a little tight, and everyone called her Fatbench? She never got over that, thanks a lot.

If Mister Mister played a concert with Duran Duran, would the crowd puke from laughing so hard at all of the double-named bands playing on the bill, or would some jackass yell out “Freebird Freebird!” during the encore?

Will Tony ever wake up next to Lucy and think to himself “Lucy is an Italian whore’s name. Why in the world did I marry an Italian whore? Did I honestly think that she would give her heart to me and only me? Does she ever long to be back on the street, turning tricks and smoking Italian crack while eating meatballs? What have I done?” Relax Tony, Lucy is your dog. How many times do we have to go over this?

If you opened up a restaurant in Manhattan, would you call it “Craptastic Wonderburger Emporium of Country Fried Skullduggery and Yumtummery”? I would really appreciate it. That was my Grandmother’s dying wish.

If you wear a bowtie to your cousin’s wedding, and it suddenly starts spinning like a propeller during the ceremony, will you hurriedly try to stop it from spinning, or will you go with it and stand up in the church singing “Hello my baby, hello my honey, hello my ragtime gaaaaaaal!” while tap dancing? Good choice.

Q and A

I’ve been away for a while, it is true. I just got back from a fact finding tour of Las Vegas. I found so many facts. So many. All of the facts revolve around prostitution, autoerotic asphyxiation, prisoner’s rights and jailhouse etiquette. I won’t bore you with the details.

I thought it would be a good idea to reintroduce myself with a little Q and A session I recently did with Anderson Cooper of CNN. He was gracious enough to sit and interview me for 17 hours at my request. He fell asleep a few times but I just sprayed him with “water” to wake him back up again.

Quotes? What quotes? Around the word water? I don’t see any quotes there. You must be crazy. I sprayed him with water (wink, wink).

What wink? Stop making shit up.

I took down the transcript of the entire 17 hour conversation and whittled it down to a select few highlights.

Cooper: You have been called by many “The male equivalent of Liza Minelli”. Explain please.

M.O.M: Well Anderson, male is really a subjective term, you see what I mean? Are you male?

Cooper: Yes.

M.O.M: Well I’m sure I could find someone who says you are female. Who is right really? Who has the authority to make that call? Are you God?

Cooper: No I am not God. And a doctor has that authority.

M.O.M.: Well, when a doctor rolls up in here to check my Division Symbol then I guess we’ll know for sure.

Cooper: Division symbol?

M.O.M: My genitalia. I call it ‘Division Symbol’. One line separating two circles? Liza Minelli calls my genitals “Finger of God” hence the comparison. Next question.

Cooper: Roger Clemens implicated you in the recent steroid scandal that has rocked Major League Baseball. Were you involved in any way?

M.O.M: Andy, I can’t really talk much about this topic due to pending litigation. I will say this though: Roger Clemens had peanut-sized testicles long before he ever shot himself with that stuff. Don’t ask how I know, I just know.

Cooper: Can we get some of the crazier rumors out of the way that have been written about you?

M.O.M: Please do. I am an open book.

Cooper: One blogger wrote that you are actually 256 years old and immortal.

M.O.M: Two words: *leaning forward until nose touches Anderson Cooper’s nose* Russian. Dracula.

Cooper: *visibly shaken* Uh… Another reporter claims that she once found you naked and weeping at the foot of your bed while reading a Barbeque restaurant menu.

M.O.M: There was a *clears throat* ah, there was a 2 for 1 special *composing himself* 2 for 1...*pausing for 10 minutes while brushing tears from his eyes* Move on, can we move on? Next question?

Cooper: President Obama once punched you in the ribs.

M.O.M: True.

Cooper: Can you elaborate?

M.O.M: I can, but I will not. I will say that “Quartigont” is not a word in Scrabble or any other god damned place. If Obama is reading this he knows what I’m talking about. *raising voice* QUARTIGONT!

Cooper: Mother Theresa once collapsed your windpipe with a round kick.

M.O.M: That is not true. It was a front kick. She was a sweet woman, but a mean drunk.

Cooper: One more we can maybe put to rest: You once stared a man to death.

M.O.M: Unfortunately, that one is most definitely true.

Cooper: What happened?

M.O.M: It was at work. Raining outside. Windy. Someone came up to me, a Monday I believe it was, and asked me a question. *pauses to collect himself* I turned in my chair and said ‘What did you just say to me?’ I remember it like it was yesterday. He said: ‘Looks like you got a haircut this weekend? Did you just get the one hair cut or did you have the barber cut all of them?’ It took about two minutes from start to finish. I stared into his soul. His toothy smile turned to a straight line, then a frown. Then he was gone. I can’t really talk about it. Don’t ask me questions on Monday. What day is today?

Cooper: Tuesday

M.O.M: Well, it’s your lucky day Coop. *stares*

Cooper: If extraterrestrial life exists, and you could say one thing to them, what would you say?

M.O.M: Quartigont.

Cooper: Quartigont.

M.O.M: Yes. I owe Obama an apology. Not only is that a word that is THE word. You see what I’m saying? That is the only word that accurately sums up the human spirit and at the same time would put the fear of God into those invading alien bastards. You see?

Cooper: I’m not following you.

M.O.M: And why would you?

Cooper: I think that wraps up our interview here. On behalf of CNN, I’m Anderson Cooper. Goodnight.

Urgent Questions XIII

If Mr. Peanut came tip tapping into your house with his top hat and cane, would you join him in an impromptu tap dance routine, or would you crack that nut and make Mr. Peanut Butter?

When stars fall from the sky, do you chase them running through moonlit wheat fields to see where they landed, or do you just wait for one to land on your house and put an end to your miserable existence? Hey, cheer up, will ya?

Do you ever think that maybe your dog is smarter than you? That maybe he or she has the answers to the mysteries of the universe, and just lacks the ability to communicate them to you? That maybe, just maybe, your dog is the answer to all the world’s problems? Oh, that’s right; dogs do eat their own crap, don’t they? Never mind.

When your cell phone rings, do you flip it open and begin talking animatedly about your exciting day, or do you instantly regret your “Funky Cold Medina” ringtone?

If hindsight is 20/20, is foresight 50/50? What about foreskin?

When a doctor hits your knee with his little reflex hammer, do you ever wonder why the hammer is skin colored and it appears to be attached to his testicles?

Why are people so afraid of clowns? It’s not the clowns people need to be afraid of; it’s their lethal poisoned lip makeup. Making out with clowns is the death bringer, not the clowns themselves. Just keep your distance and you’ll be fine. Or will you? *scary music followed by a tight closeup on Bingo the Clown’s inflated red lips, which mouth the words “You’re next”*

Will I ever see a day where alien beings land on earth and tell us earth-dwellers how to get our grooves back?

If California got all high and mighty one day and decided to become their own country, do you think Nevada could invade and take them in a fair fight? Nevada has all that casino money and tons of deserts to hide in, but California has all those Los Angeles freaks, plus Alcatraz. I call it even.

If a bubble floated out of the sky and popped on top of your head, would you freak out looking around for other bubbles, or would you just put your hands on your hips, bend back at the waist and laugh long and loud at your good luck that day because the bubble didn’t land on your erect penis?

When you squat down to talk to a friendly peacock about their day and to check on their family, just to see how little Billy is doing in school, do you ever wonder how you learned so much about this peacock and his family from just crudely written notes in peacock language?

How often do you spin in a tight circle and finish by thrusting your index finger straight up in the air triumphantly while shouting “WOO!”? Really, that much? Maybe you should cut down on those 10 cups of coffee a day; you sound a little nuts.

How about this time, we don’t forget the gravy?

Burning Questions, part the 12th

When someone tells you to “put that in your pipe and smoke it” do you reply with ‘Well I already did that last night…except…except the pipe was your butt and the…thing that…you want me to smoke was your mom…in your butt.’? You really have to work on your comebacks, compadre.

Do crowded malls make you think of how commercialism has completely taken over our culture; falsely implanting thoughts into people’s heads that they must spend money on things they don’t need? Me? I think of Cinnabon with soft serve vanilla on top of a cinnamon bun with M&Ms and Twizzlers on top. Oh, and all of that commercialism shit too.

If Aunt Jemima met Mrs. Butterworth in a steel cage match, who would make me fatter quicker?

If you had to give one of your fingers to science, which one would it be? Don’t say the middle one and then giggle like a 10 year old child, this is science dammit!

If Mr. Jones and Mrs. Robinson met on a busy sidewalk one day, would they point at each other and say “Great Song! Jinx! You owe me a coke! AH-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!” until Mr. Roboto came along and blasted them to hell with his super laser? Domo origato, Mr. Roboto *traditional Chinese bow*.

How many miles can you run before you realize that the sun isn’t chasing you, it’s just trying to burn you to death slowly? It’s a cruel, cruel summer.

Have you ever lifted your leg as high as you could, and stomped down on an anthill yelling “I am your natural born DOOM come to LIFE!” while laughing as the ants scatter and try to salvage what they can of their little sand hill? Really, what did they ever do to you? Are you jealous because they can lift ten times their weight, and you are winded just from lifting your foot? And not for nothing, FYI, by the way, etc; you look like a horse’s ass in that Viking helmet.

If you could wave a magic wand, clap your hands three times, click your heels together once, jump up in the air, twirl around in a circle, bow to your partner, promenade left, do-si-do and…hey, how did this turn into a square dance?

Have you ever invented a type of punch, and named it? Like Dragon Strike, Thunderclap or Lightening Burst? Well shape up, or you just might be introduced to Flavor Blast; a delicious triple punch to your taste buds! OK, it’s just lemonade, but I think it’s quite tasty.

Dontcha wish your sandwich was roast beef like mine?

Dontcha?

I done gone and been Tagged

She got me.

This bloggin' lady 'tagged' me with some questions that I have to answer. Then I tag some other people and they have to answer my questions, ad infinitum. Look, I know "tag" is slang for "sex" in some cultures, but this is a family establishment. Knock it off.

Now pardon me while I tag five other people in approximately 2 minutes.

Hey, grow up!

1. When was the last time you played air guitar? Come on, I'm not asking you to admit you still listen to Def Leppard.

I play real guitar. You get me? REAL guitar. 24/7. Actually, the closest thing to air guitar I’ve played recently is in ‘Rock Band’. Call it plastic guitar.

I have recently performed ‘air surgery’ and ‘air murder-ed’ someone. Do those count?

2. What's the oldest thing in your fridge?

A block of cheddar cheese. How old is it? Well, we have a nice conversation every night before bed about the rise of totalitarianism in Eastern Europe and its impact on world Economics. It also plays the most heartbreaking violin sonata you will ever hear.

3. Vampires, zombies or please make it stop?

Please. Vampires are hot, they have sex all the time while spontaneously tearing people’s throats open with their teeth (see True Blood on HBO for proof), they turn into bats and fly, they never get old, they are immortal, they only walk around at night because sunlight sets them on fire, there is a character on Sesame Street that is a vampire and vampires are amazing dancers, in any style from any time period.

Zombies stumble and slowly try to eat people.

I think the answer is self evident.

4.If you had to change your current profession, and could be anything, what would you do?

I would be a roadie for Def Leppard.

5. Undergarment of choice

Black silk boxers. Two printed words. “Yes” in front. “No” in back. Next question.

6. What is the tackiest thing you own?

A blacklight poster of Debbie Gibson riding a Unicorn while Tiffany shoots arrows at her from a bitchin’ motorcycle. It was made at the height of the Debbie Gibson vs. Tiffany teen idol battle. Winner of the battle: America.

7. Summer with no air conditioning or winter with no heat?

Definitely winter with no heat. Fireplaces always work. There is no such thing as an “air conditioning fireplace” as far as I know. If you have one, then you are a wizard and are most likely casting some kind of spell on me right now. Go away.

8. Desert island time: Wow, there is a band that will play whenever your snap your fingers, and OMG, it's your favorite!!!! Who is it?

Men Without Hats. Or Women with Hats. Whichever.

***************************

I picked five lucky suckers:

Vacant Mind

Jens Voices

Nostomanic

She Don't Make False Claims

Caffeinated Bliss

And here are the five questions that must be answered:

1. Which character would you be on 'Friends' and why? (HINT: I would so TOTALLY be Rachel! OMG!)

Sorry about that. A teenage girl from 1993 time travelled and took control of my blog for 11 minutes. That was a close call.

1. How many M&Ms could you eat in one sitting? Round up.

2. Do you own an iPhone, and why / why not?

3. Describe the first time you were aware that you had feelings for me that went beyond the “criminal suspect” feelings that the Police have for me.

4. Describe the one t-shirt that you should have thrown away five years ago but you still inexplicably find in your t-shirt drawer.

5. Why did the new Twilight movie make 30 million dollars in 3 hours?

Urgent Questions: Volume XI

When Pluto got demoted from “ninth planet in the solar system” to “non-planet”, do you think Neptune gave it the finger every time they passed each other in orbit, or would Neptune be the kind of planet that would send flowers and be sympathetic? Actually I think Neptune realizes that it’s next if it doesn’t shape up, so it’s probably on its best behavior right now.

When dogs walk backwards, do you laugh at the sheer hilarity of it, or start walking backwards yourself because you are just that insecure?

If your friendly local milkman leaves two bottles of milk on your doorstep instead of one, would you run naked out of your house and whip him half to death with a Korean Death Reed, or would you finally admit that milkmen have no ready access to anthrax, and the fact that milk is white doesn’t automatically make it the same as “Death Powder from Al Qaeda”. Trust me; the judge will want you to admit that. He will also want you to wear some slacks and a nice oxford to the hearing.

If I opened a Chinese restaurant on Chinese New Year in the heart of Chinatown, would people gather around to chuckle at the perfect timing, or would they run in and order two helpings of “Happy Rainbow Dragon Family on Wisdom Pearl Circle”? That’s my signature dish, which is really just shrimp and vegetables like 90 percent of the menu.

If laughter is the best medicine, wouldn’t screaming be the worst medicine? If so, give me a double dose of sweet laughter, because all of your screaming is making me totally sick, man.

When squirrels suddenly stop in place and stand straight up alertly looking around, do you think they are doing that because they have sensitive earthquake-detecting feet and they know something you don’t?

If monkeys could fly, would pigs follow soon after, thereby making people all over the world do a bunch of things they never thought they would do, but definitely agreed to as long as either monkeys or pigs flew? I think the pigs and monkeys would team up, with monkeys riding on the pig’s backs, just to stick it to all those suckers who never thought either one would happen, much less both at the same time.

Have you ever thrown a stick for your dog, and then shrieked in terror when he came back with a human hand in his mouth? I don’t know why you were so surprised, that wasn’t a stick you threw for the dog; it was your Aunt Bobo.

If a snake slithered up to you and asked you for directions to the art museum, would you mock him for liking art, or would you shake his hand and offer him a cool glass of lemonade and a friendly smile? What do you mean, snakes don’t have hands? They don’t talk and go to art museums either, what’s your point?

Have you ever put “Deadly Karate” on a resume just to intimidate the hiring manager into giving you a job?

Does your girlfriend roll a Honda, playing workout tapes by Fonda? I don’t know if this is common knowledge or not, but Fonda does not have a motor in the back of her Honda; true story.

If you walk into a grocery store with a bear suit on, do you go right for the meat section to keep up appearances, or do you browse a little while, trying to appear like a casual bear?

If fifty-five sheep came barreling down a hill towards your house, would you be impressed at the fact that there are fifty-five sheep (in a group) in your suburban neighborhood, or would you piss your pants and secretly admit that your father was right all these years? The sheep are mobilizing, they have tripled in numbers, and they appear to be much more organized than they were in ’78.

If Johnny goes to the hardware store and buys five nails, and Lucy goes to the same hardware store and buys a hammer, and Billy goes to the same hardware store and buys six coils of rope, how long will it take before Lucy realizes that Johnny and Billy are gay and they probably don’t even find her attractive, even though she went out of her way to wear her best dress? What a waste!

Urgent Questions: Volume X

Why is it that my car is constantly driving itself to a strip club called “The Pumpkin Patch” all by itself with me in the driver’s seat? And who put a stack of a hundred dollar bills in my pocket? God, are you there, it’s me Margaret.

Who came up with the phrase ‘Get off my lawn or I’ll slap a restraining order on you so fast your head will spin’? I find it to be such a whimsical phrase, with just the right touch of melancholy and hope.

If I tell you a secret about a recently discovered link between sausage links and orgasms, will you promise to tell Jimmy Dean? He’s in the phone book. He won’t take my calls, or I would just call him myself.

Did you know that Rudolph was originally a blue-nosed reindeer? He was, until market researchers told Santa that red inspires a much more positive response in the 0-6 year old demographic. So, Santa had Rudolph genetically altered in a series of seven painful operations that took a total of 35 hours. That is why toddlers scream and wet themselves whenever they see Santa: Complete fear of genetic alteration and mindless pandering to demographics.

If I buy a gun, wear a coonskin cap and tell everyone I’m Davy Crocket, king of the wild frontier, can you just please play along and stop rolling your eyes? I think we could totally get laid tonight if you just stick with the plan.

Coke or Pepsi? Well, first of all, Coke is illegal. That being said, I bet you never heard of anyone doing lines of Pepsi off of a hooker’s stomach, have you? Question answered.

If a Balloon jumped out at you from a dark alleyway and tried to turn the tables and blow you up, would you try to pop it with your fingernail, or would you flim flam the floojy flazit? (You never know how much you rely on spell checker until it’s gone. Wow.)

If Billy has 13 caterpillars and Lucy has 16 caterpillars and Reggie has 20 caterpillars, then where the hell did all these caterpillars come from *slapping at my hair*?

If you have a 5 pound bucket of Hog Fat, and a 5 pound bucket of Chicken Feathers, which bucket would taste better dumped on top of a 5 pound bucket of SHUT IT?

If your mail gets sent to Johnny’s house, and Johnny’s mail gets sent to Richard’s house, and Richard’s mail gets sent to Sally’s house, and Sally’s mail gets sent to your house and…Holy Crap, does Sally really subscribe to ‘Duck Digest Monthly’? What could that magazine possibly be about, besides ducks? What was the original question?

If a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush, how much is a bird in your pants worth? Is there a conversion chart?

Have you ever wondered where wishes go when they leave your brain? I like to think they go to the “Wish-A-Torium” where angels sort them and label them and box them up and put them in a “Wish-Warehouse” to rot away and die. Call me a simple-minded dreamer, but I have always believed this.

Urgent Questions: Volume 9

If I click my heels together three times and say “There’s no place like home” over and over again while wearing my ruby slippers, do you think the neighbors could ignore the fact that I just dumped an entire bucket of paint on their dog...and that I’m wearing ruby slippers while doing yard work?

If five knuckles make a fist, and ten knuckles make a beat down, then what do two feet equal? A Mr. Miyagi-style ass kicking, that’s what. Ask Johnny in his skeleton costume, he knows.

Have you ever opened up a can of soda expecting the entire thing to explode in your face? No wonder nobody invites you to go anywhere, too much nervous soda can opening and screaming would annoy anyone after a while.

Why do people curl up with a good book when it rains outside? Doesn’t anyone lay on their bed completely straightened out and read a book? Does anyone stand up and read? Do people curl up with a book when it is perfectly sunny outside?! Has everyone gone mad?!?!?

If Big Bird and Snuffelufagus had a kid, would its name be Bigasnufflebirdaf...*choke*. Sorry, I couldn’t even get that one all the way out without choking...

Why did the chicken cross the road? Oh, you heard that question before? Yeah? Did ya? Ever hear this one? *scissor kick to genitals*.

If a coal miner stumbles into a mine without his helmet, randomly swinging his pickaxe around and blindly trying to mine some coal, what are the odds that he stumbles into a magical hidden world where leprechauns ride on unicorns, and it rains jelly beans down on meadows of peppermint grass? 25,000,000,000,000,000,000 to 1 (Vegas actually has odds on this, you can bet on anything there). Odds of him taking his best friend’s kneecap off: 3 to 1.

Have you ever clapped your hands together so hard that the resulting sound causes a Blue Jay to stop smiling and cock its head to the side quizzically? What’s his problem?

If the Batmobile loses its wheel, and the Joker gets away, then is this a direct result of Batman smelling, or Robin laying an egg at the most inopportune time?

Do happy laughing children make you instinctively check your toupee to make sure it isn’t on crooked? Children laugh at the darndest crooked hairpieces, don’t they?

Who’s on first? I don’t know, that’s why I’m asking you, genius! Abbot and who? *Throat punch*. Now YOU’RE on first...First Blood. *ominous music followed by slow camera zoom to the pupil of your eye, which slowly fills with deep red. Fade to Black*.

If a Rolling Stone gathers no moss, how the hell am I going to gather up all this moss? All I have is Keith Richards on work release, and Mick is off trying to snort a tree. I mean he is literally trying to snort a tree! These guys are totally messed up! I wonder if Led Zeppelin would gather some moss.

Why is it that when I open my mailbox, the turtle living inside menaces me with the tiniest switchblade you’ve ever seen? Can’t a brother get some mail up in here?

Have you ever listened to church bells ringing out on a crisp winter morn as bluebirds tend to their nests and squirrels gather food and wonder exactly who told you it was a good idea to make snow angels with no clothes on and no snow?

Aren’t you so happy that some kind soul left you this huge bowl of chocolate and some butter cookies to dip in it...and...that...ISN’T CHOCOLATE! *vomit sounds*

When I open my eyes after counting to 100, why is the nice policeman still standing with his gun drawn and a tazer attached to my scrotum? I clearly said “I’m counting to 100, and when I do, you had better be hiding!” Some people have clearly forgotten the innocence and fun of childhood games and frolic.

Urgent Questions: Volume 8

Does this midget make my ass look big?

Did you ever pull into the fast lane on the highway and just hope to God that your car goes faster than the speed of light so you can time travel and go back to this morning when you ate a cold piece of pizza with Oreos and sardines on it (you may or may not have been high) and sit down and have a heart to heart with yourself about eating ridiculous crap, and what effect that has on the bowels of a human being?

Have you ever met Tom Foolery? Doesn’t he just annoy the crap out of you?

Have you ever gotten dressed up for Halloween like a scary ghost, moaning and howling while running around waving your white sheet at everyone only to find that it isn’t Halloween, it’s April 15th, and the accountant doing your taxes is about to leave due to “excessive silliness and general no-goodery”? My accountant uses that word, so I know it’s real, thank you.

If Count Chocula bit you and turned you into a chocolate vampire, would you have chocolate milk running through your veins? Of course you wouldn’t, everyone knows there is no such thing as chocolate milk, or veins.

When you wake up in the morning, do you climb out of bed and greet the new day with open arms, whistling a happy tune and skipping into the bathroom to brush your teeth, or do you roll over and try to get some extra sleep before the hooker wakes up asking for her “damn money, sucka”?

Which came first: the B-52’s or the gay?

When you grow up, do you want to be a fireman, or just taller than you are now?

If a cartoon bird lands on your shoulder in the morning singing a sweet morning song, do you sing back, or do you stop drop and roll, hoping to crush it before it pecks your eyes out after lulling you into a false sense of complacency?

If one third of my pancakes are missing in the morning, will the other two thirds get dumped on your head for calling me “Fatty Morningcakes”?

Urgent Questions Volume 7

If Superman flew up to the moon and took it with him to all the other planets, smashing little pieces of it to make new moons for all the other planets, will you ever go on a date with an actual woman?

When you send a letter using the Pony Express, do you get completely frustrated when the letter always comes back to you 30 seconds later undelivered? Do you realize that isn’t the Pony Express, it’s a Merry-Go-Round at the county fair, and even your 7 year old son knows that the Pony Express hasn’t existed for years, and most people use e-mail now anyway, old-timer?

Have you ever taken two steps forward, only to find that the person in front of you just took two steps back? Do you think that you and that person go together because opposites attract? Well let me tell you something, friend: It ain’t fiction, it’s a natural fact.

Have you ever opened up a treasure chest expecting to find gold and jewels in there, only to realize that you aren’t a pirate and that treasure chest is just your laundry hamper with 35 cents in it that you put in there the night before (planning on playing pirate the next morning)?

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, throat punch? Sometimes I put question marks on statements just to make them seem like questions.

Has this pickup line ever worked for you? ‘Is it raining, because I’m going to take you back to my apartment and sleep with you, and possibly make you breakfast in the morning?’ Believe it or not, that worked for me on six separate occasions.

Have you ever gone to the bathroom in a public stall, flushed the toilet, and then done a giant side leap out of the stall screaming “TA-DAAA!” just in case someone was expecting a magic show in there?

Have you ever taunted a Polar Bear in the following manner: “Fuzzy Wuzzy was a BEAR (poke in the eye), Fuzzy Wuzzy had no HAIR (poke in the other eye), so Fuzzy Wuzzy wasn’t FUZZY (kick in the groin) WAS HE?!?! (Leg sweep)? A polar bear is a good choice for that, because they are friendly and just drink Coke all day, so you could out run them if they really took exception.

If a parrot starts speaking Spanish, would a Seeing Eye dog strike a pose and be all like “What’s Up?” And then the iguana stands up on two legs and starts doing the Macarena, right? And all the goldfish start circling each other, threatening each other with tiny knives, trying to assert their fish tank dominance. You know what; I think someone put something in my coffee…

Have you ever gone to a parade, only to find that it starts raining making everyone sad, and you shout to the Heavens “GOD? You have cried on my parade for the last time!” stomping off through the puddles of God-tears, only to realize that your family has already left you, and you live alone in a one-bedroom apartment that God actually set up for you, calling in a few favors? For the record, God was crying because you were naked at the parade (again), and the police were taking you to jail (again). Talk about raining on a parade…

Did you ever take the training wheels off of your child’s bicycle and try to put them on your car to see if you can stop yourself from rolling over doing 100 mph around a tight turn while drunk and screaming into your cell phone at your ex-wife who is trying to rain on your parade again?

When a traffic light turns from red to green, does that make you think of Christmas, or does it make you fishtail out of that intersection, burnin rubber and screaming like a Viking warrior on his way to the Shop-Rite for some eggs and misplaced youth?

Urgent Questions Volume 6

Have I told you lately that your hair reminds me of a sweet cinnamon bun? I must have been starving, or high, because right now your hair just looks like hair.

Do you ever wish you could just while away the days drifting down a lazy river with one hand dangling in the water and one foot bitten off by a 20 foot crocodile because this is Florida and someone didn’t take any time to read the 10 warning signs by the side of “Crocodile River”?

Have you ever laughed so hard that your pancreas and liver get up and shake hands, and your gall bladder does the Nicaraguan two-step? If you answered yes, then you are humoring me, and stop it.

How many times have you skipped across a puddle on the sidewalk, giggling as you land on the other side just as your umbrella blows open unexpectedly, only to realize that you are a police officer, and that wasn’t an umbrella?

If a stitch in time saves nine, how many does a stitch 20 minutes early save? What if the stitch is 15 minutes late because Grandma wouldn’t get out of the slow lane? Does that mean you owe like 4 or 5?

If I have six of one, and half a dozen of another, could you just ignore the fact that I’m talking about various types of genital warts?

Will the leaders of the world ever learn their lesson and realize that all wars can end with one phrase: “Whatchoo talkin’ ‘bout Willis?”

If I asked you an honest question about a donkey, a garden rake, a pair of nipple clamps, and a poster of New Kids on the Block, would you reserve your judgment of me until you see how damn sexy this all turns out to be?

Urgent Questions Volume 5: The Wrath of Kahn

When you see a rainbow gracefully bending over a sun-covered mountain range, do you ever wish you could bend gracefully over the toilet next time you vomit from drinking too many strawberry daiquiris, instead of sticking your head out the window of your new car and splattering neon red puke all over your driver’s side door?

When I asked you to take out the garbage for the seventeenth time today, was I speaking German, or do you just not understand “Getoffyourassian” (pronounced, “Take out that garbage, or I’ll ram your face in it”)?

Do you get your hopes up every time you open a Hershey bar that this time, maybe this time, you will actually get a Golden Ticket and get to tour the magical Hershey chocolate factory and finally get a chance to rescue a gluttonous fat boy as he tries to drink an entire chocolate river?

Have you ever startled a homeless man while he was in the middle of urinating into a large Dunkin Donuts coffee cup, only to realize that the “homeless man” is your brother, and that “coffee cup” is actually your hair?

Have you ever woken up next to a fat raccoon thinking that his cute little bandit mask is not nearly as cute in the morning?

Will Harry ever learn about the Birds and the Bees, and about how Birds and Bees actually hate each other due to a longstanding feud, despite all the filthy sex they are associated with?

How many times have you dropped your pants in public, only to find that you were wearing skin-tight leather pants with orange and yellow flames embroidered on them, so it was probably better that you dropped those things anyway, despite what the prosecutor says?

When a turkey flies out of the woods brandishing a firearm and gobbling at you in angry tones, are you all like “Whaaaaat? OMG! WTF? LOL! ROFLMAO! BFF! CUL8R!”

Urgent Questions: Volume 4

As an adult, have you ever snuck (sneaked? sneaken? snook?) onto a playground late at night to swing on the swings, slide down the slide and play in the sandbox, laughing and singing to yourself while you try to remember where you hid your house keys...and why you have house keys when you don’t own a house?

How many times have you thrown a handful of change into the air as high as you can, only to get hit in the head with 23 cents and a huge pile of bird crap?

When a cute little puppy raises itself up on its hind legs and walks towards you very fast, don’t you think you better run because if he figured out how to do that he probably already knows your address and how to use a tazer?

Did you ever talk to your TV all night long and expect a reply with a shotgun pointed at the cable box so the TV could clearly see who is in charge here?

If my mail ends up at your house will you please translate it to smoke signal and smoke it over to my house already, double-time?

Does a semi-colon ever feel like a crippled colon; like a full colon with a twisted little comma foot? For that matter, does semi-sweet chocolate ever feel inferior to fully sweet chocolate? Hey semi-sweet, chin up bucko. You are still pretty gosh darn sweet to me.

If Harry Potter, Superman, Batman and all of the X-Men got into a huge fight in the middle of the desert, no weapons allowed, could you be any more of a super geek?

When you were nine years old, did you look up at the moon and think it was following you as you walked? Did you then walk a little faster and realize that you couldn’t shake the moon, no matter which way you turned? Did you then run as fast as you could to try to outrun the moon only to find that the moon is a cunning hunter that will not be denied its foolish prey? As I’m sure you now know, the moon is not made of cheese. The moon is made of finely ground nine year old boy bones.

Have you ever boldly walked up to a man and shook his hand firmly and confidently, with no hint of self-consciousness, only to realize that he is sitting on the toilet, and that’s not a hand?

If a mailbox suddenly opened its mouth and ran down the street screaming with its little red flag stuck up in the air, would you chase after it or just start screaming yourself, so that people would be distracted and not try to hunt down and shoot your rogue mailbox?

Have you ever been so hungry that you tried to bite your own hand because it looked like a turkey sandwich with fingers and fingernails…and no bread...and veins...wait a minute, that’s just my hand!

Have you ever hired a grown adult man for your child’s birthday party who calls himself “Dingdong the Magician Clown”? If so, you deserve every bad thing that followed that catastrophic decision.

If a beautiful baby boy spits at you from his carriage, will that finally give you the motivation to take off your “Virginia Is for Lovers” t-shirt and burn it? Follow-up question: If Virginia is for Lovers, what is Delaware for? Seriously, does anyone know what Delaware is for? I’m coming up blank here.

If 2 + 2 = 4, and -2 + 2 = 0, then does me + pizza = delicious?

Are you allergic to pets? Specifically, are you allergic to pets with tiny pollen guns and dust mite breath? Yeah, me too.

If Tom ever catches Jerry (fingers crossed), will Tom be merciful or will he go medieval on Jerry’s mouse ass?

Does Ralph Macchio ever go to the zoo and stare at the cranes nostalgically until zoo security arrests him for suspicious crane staring?

Do you remember that night, late December, back in ’63? Man, what a night that was.

Are you going to just stand there and scream at me in the middle of this parking lot? If so, then I’m going to put my clothes back on and climb into my own shopping cart. But then, who will push me? You? I didn’t think so.

Why do English accents always make me instinctively double over in pain, crying out for God’s sweet mercy to save me from inevitable death? Through 10 years of exhaustive research, I have tracked it down to a combination of Earl Grey tea, Stonehenge and Crocodile Dundee. Oh, he was Australian? That’s not a knife...THAT’S a knife! Man that really WAS a huge knife he had.

If 35 penguins run down a hill toward an igloo in the remote tundra of Alaska and smash into it, shattering the icy bricks with their tiny heads, how long will it take for an Eskimo living in that igloo to despise the haphazard nature of penguins?

If I eventually do get sent to jail (long story), will you smuggle in a DVD copy of the complete works of Bobcat Goldthwait for me? I’ll need something in the big house to convince me that there is still a just and fair world worth fighting for. Better yet, if you can get Bobcat himself, all the better. He’s available.

Urgent Questions: Volume 3

When the mailman arrives at your doorstep gingerly carrying a fragile Christmas gift from a distant relative, do you make fun of his silly looking blue half-pants?

When the power goes out in your house, do you crawl under your kitchen table and wait for the inevitable alien invasion, or do you just stand on your front lawn and shake your fist at the sky shouting “Bring it on, you alien suckers! I’ve got 10 knuckles with your alien names on them!”? If more people did the latter, then maybe global warming wouldn’t be such a problem.

If a beautiful Monarch butterfly flaps its wings in Texas, what are the chances that someone is going to try to shoot it with a 10 gauge? I would say, Defcon 1 (only because I’ve always wanted to say that).

Do tigers ever look at their beautiful orange and black stripes, stretch their powerful muscles, and wonder why the hell Oprah Winfrey is famous?

If an apple falls from a tree and hits me in the head, will I be inspired like Newton was when he invented the laws of gravity, or will I just smash that apple into your stupid laughing face?

Wouldn’t it be easier to just fly to work on my golden wings of love and divine inspiration instead of riding my bike because of multiple DUI convictions (alleged)?

How many times can I call the police and report a robbery before they look out the front window of the police station and force me to put my clothes back on?

Will my gentle and forgiving nature one day rise up and strangle me in a fit of rage because it represses everything and doesn’t know how to express its feelings like its ex boyfriend did, and wow was he a lot cuter, and he actually cooked once in a while too?

Couldn’t I get lucky one time, just one time my sweet Lord, and hug a 300 pound bouncer who actually wants and appreciates a loving hug?

How many times have you opened a closet door expecting an inter-dimensional time warp portal to be behind it? And how many times have you punched your stupid pinstriped suit as hard as you can when that portal isn’t there?

Did the 80’s really happen, or did someone just throw a box of parachute pants and Cyndi Lauper into a ceiling fan in 1979?

If the fifty United States had a meeting to decide whether or not to allow prayer in schools, what are the chances that California shows up like a half hour late, minimum? I say 100 percent. Oh, make sure you separate Nevada and Utah; they don’t get along at all. I’m sure Texas will show up and be all like “Yeehaw, lets have some barbeque! Who wants to go to the Ro-day-o?!?!” And don’t even count on Hawaii, I guarantee they are so high right now.

If Billy has six apples, and Lucy has three apples, and Johnny walks up asking for half of Billy’s apples, and one-third of Lucy’s, then who does Johnny think he is? Can’t he just earn his apples like Billy and Lucy did, running guns for the Gambino crime family?

Have you ever sat cross-legged in the middle of a busy highway singing Bon Jovi songs while birds swoop down and peck at your hair (which is filled with birdseed from a wedding you went to) and then Bon Jovi himself pulls up next to you in his limo, leans his head out the window, and sings harmony on “Wanted Dead or Alive” thereby forcing the birds to attack him instead?

Does grass that grows on the moon taste like peppermint? If it does, then get yourself up there on the next shuttle and start eating as much as you can get your hands on. Your breath smells like a gym locker.

Ladies, is it really so hard to put the toilet seat up when you are done sitting on it? Y’all gonna make me lose my mind up in here (up in here).

Would you let Rudolph join in your reindeer games already? He’s really bumming everyone out hanging around the house and complaining about nose-ism (discrimination based on the function of one’s nose), which I secretly think is something he made up just to get some sympathy. I mean, he can fly, isn’t that good enough?

20 Questions

A man at the County Fair walks up to a booth in the far corner of the campgrounds next to a tall oak tree. The booth looks timeworn, encased in dirty red velvet fabric that listlessly moves in the late summer breeze. The sign above the booth says “20 Questions! Answer all questions honestly, and Comp-U-Tron 3000 will guess who or what you are in 20 questions or less! Only One Dollar!” The man starts to turn around but is drawn back to the old booth. Why not, he thinks with a shrug. He enters the booth and sits at a small desk that has headphones and a microphone resting on its surface. He puts on the headphones and inserts a dollar bill into a slot by his knee. As soon as his money disappears, the headphones fill with the sound of a robotic voice:

I am Comp-U-Tron 3000! I am always right! Please answer these questions with either ‘Yes’ or ‘No’. Let’s begin.

Are you female?
*man leans toward the microphone* No.
Are you male?
Yes.
Are you smaller than a bread box?
No.
Is your last name “Goldthwait”
No.
Are you Bobcat Goldthwait?
No!
Are you green?
No.
Do you have a beard?
Yes.
Are you sure you aren’t Bobcat Goldthwait?
YES!
Do you sing songs in the shower?
Yes.
Are you Fidel Castro?
*silence*
Are you Fidel Castro?
No.
Do you have crossed eyes?
No.
Does your voice have a gravelly tone, like a smoker’s voice would?
Um…Yes.
Are you the Marlboro Man?
*sigh* No.
Do you have any outstanding warrants for your arrest?
*silence*
Do you have any outstanding warrants for your arrest?
How is that relevant? I thought this was supposed…
Please answer only ‘Yes’ or ‘No’.
NO!
Do you like puppies?
Yes.
Are you a puppy?
*silence*
Are you a puppy?
No.
Have you ever suffered from kidney failure?
No?
Are you Jerry Lewis?
*silence*
Are you Jerry Lewis?
*silence*
Are you Jerry Lewis?
What is the meaning of these questions?
Please answer only ‘Yes’ or ‘No’.
No.
Does it sting when you urinate?
What?
Please answer only ‘Yes’ or ‘No’.
NO!
Are you Kelly Clarkson?
I said I was a man!
Please answer only ‘Yes’ or ‘No’.
NO!
Please lower the volume of your answers. Thank you.
*silence*
Does the pope shit in the woods?
What, are we telling jokes now?
Please answer only ‘Yes’ or ‘No’.
Yes.
Are you the pope?
No.
Do you like to dance?
Look, I think we are way over 20 questions at this point…
Please answer only ‘Yes’ or ‘No’.
Yes.
Are you Tom Cruise?
*sigh*
Are you Tom Cruise?
NO!
On a clear day, does the sky appear to be blue in color?
Yes.
Are you an Emperor Penguin?
*silence followed by the clicking sound of the man trying to get his dollar bill back*
Are you a Ham Sandwich?
*the sound of a man slamming his fist on the small desk in the 20 questions booth*
Are you a Billy Goat?
*ruffling sound of a man standing up quickly as the curtains in the booth are disturbed by the sudden movement*
Are you a Tree Sloth?
*the sound of thrown headphones and diminishing footsteps as the man leaves angrily*
Are you Jimmy Carter?
*silence*
Please answer only ‘Yes’ or ‘No’.
*silence*
Comp-U-Tron is now computing your identity. Please Hold.
*sounds of computer beeps and buzzes followed by the loud ‘ding’ of a bell. There is a pause while a cool breeze blows through the empty booth, ruffling the curtains at the entrance*

You are a small hummingbird. Comp-U-Tron 3000 is always right! Thank you for testing my knowledge. Have a nice day.

After a few minutes of silence in the booth, a small hummingbird flies in through the parted curtains at the entrance, hovering just in front of the slot that accepts the money for ‘20 Questions’. The bird appears to survey the slot, and then suddenly it throws itself against the machine repeatedly; almost angrily. After a few minutes of this, the hummingbird hovers momentarily over the desk with the headphones, and bolts towards the exit, knocking the microphone over on the way. A passerby sees the hummingbird jet out of the 20 questions booth and up into the clear blue day. He reads the sign over the entrance, hesitates, and then starts searching his pockets for a dollar bill. As he enters the booth, he glances up at the old oak tree next to the booth and notices hundreds of hummingbirds circling and hovering in the branches. They scatter as he enters.

Urgent Questions: Volume 2

Do you ever climb a tree and perch on the highest branch with your hands shaped like claws pretending to be a vicious, vicious tree sloth (with claws) only to find that you are naked, and the tree you just climbed is actually your therapist?

Have you ever been given incorrect change at the grocery store and then swept the leg of the checkout girl? Do you then follow procedure and get her a body bag? Yeah?

Have you ever gone to the movies and softly hooted like an owl while eating popcorn like an owl would until someone shatters your owl illusion by taking your picture and showing you that you are in fact just a human being, admittedly with abnormally large eyes for a human, and not really an owl with owl feelings and owl dreams?

Do you dream in color? If so, can you adjust the color so the red isn’t so red? Thanks, it’s hurting my eyes and I’m mostly color blind anyway, so you can just switch to black and white if you wanted to. Nudity looks the same to me regardless of the color, know what I mean, wink, wink?

Did you ever try to roundhouse kick a daisy and then become frustrated at the sheer resilience and fortitude of such a pretty flower? Man, those beautiful Daisies really have it all figured out.

Have you ever opened a book expecting a horrible demon head to pop out, and then laugh when the only thing that pops out is a little leprechaun scolding you about his tiny pot of gold, which you have yet to return (and really, he’s never going to see any of that gold again, because you blew it all on candy and nuts)?

Have you ever conspired against your dog with your cat? If you haven’t breached the subject yet, your cat would totally be up for whatever you have planned, I swear.

Have you ever used dog excrement like shampoo, just rubbing it and massaging it into your scalp while you let the water pour over you, forgetting all of your troubles while you whistle “Don’t Worry Be Happy”, until you are kicked out of the main fountain in the park for generally acting like a public spectacle and smelling like dog excrement (not to mention frightening an entire busload of Japanese tourists)?

When you do heroin, do you shoot it directly into your veins, or just eat it spread on a piece of bread mixed with peanut butter? Everything tastes better mixed with peanut butter, doesn’t it?

If a question ended with an exclamation point instead of a question mark, then wouldn’t it just be you up to your old tricks, yelling out silly things while high on Vicodin and wishing the clouds were made of whipped cream instead of whatever clouds are made of?

When you drive through a toll booth and throw your change into that large white basket, do you ever have the urge to throw yourself into that basket to see where the change goes (and to maybe beat the system and get that
70 cents back)?

Did you ever want to learn how to play the violin just so you can accompany all the miserable minutes of your life with appropriate music?

If pink is the new black, shouldn’t green be the new who gives a crap?

Do you ever use your elbow to painstakingly type out an email, and then slowly bow forward and send the email using your nose and then sit back and laugh out loud at the wondrous hallucinogenic properties of mushrooms?

If a single blade of grass represented our universe, and each blade of grass in your front lawn represented other universes out in the cosmos, and every lawn on your street represented tiny cosmoses that are part of a bigger cosmos, then shouldn’t you just get a job already and stop getting high all day?

When Lobsters beg for their red-shelled lives in a boiling pot of water, do you put your face real close to the pot and tell them in hushed tones how delicious they will be once they shut up and die already?

If I decided to name my Son “Boy”, would he grow up thinking his father is way too literal? Consequently, if he ever brings it up, I could always tell him that I could have named him “Male Human Being with testosterone generated from his male testicles” which would have been WAY more literal, thanks for asking, next subject.

When babies laugh, does it make you sad to think about all the times you used to laugh until your house was carried away by a giant ant and thrown into the river while you screamed for someone to save your house, but the only creatures nearby were other giant ants that were kind of shrugging and saying “That’s what you get for building your house so close to a giant ant farm dude.”?

Did you ever knock out a punk-ass sucka only to find that they stole your weed earning them another beat down at a later date? Aw yeah, baby.

Have you ever done a baseball slide into your cubicle at work screaming “SAFE! The Giants win the pennant! The Giants win the pennant!”? If so, make sure you take out some of your coworkers so they can’t tag you out. That’s Baseball Strategy 101, man. Get your head in the game.

Would you be guilty of murder if you stole an entire sandwich from someone and just killed that sucker?

Is it crazy to build a giant birdhouse where your garage used to be, or just smart planning in case your distant bird relatives come to visit? Trust me, you don’t want them flapping all over your guest room leaving feathers and bird crap everywhere.

Did God invent questions so that inquiries wouldn’t feel so stuck up and important?

If you took the time to point out to every driver in America how much better their lives would be if they saved the environment by driving a hybrid car, would you be surprised if I kicked you in the back of the head with a giant clown shoe?

If a tree falls in the woods, and no one is around to hear it, could you please be under it when it does? You have really gotten on my last nerve today.

Have you ever eaten a dog biscuit only to find that it actually tastes like a dog? And now doesn’t your dog’s goofy smile seem so much more sinister?

How many times have you walked into a room, forgotten why you walked in there, and then urinated in the fish tank to show those goldfish who the real head of the household is? I knew there was a good reason you walked in there.

Have you ever run into a deli screaming like a banshee, just to see how many people drop their sandwiches so that you might get a free sandwich out of the deal?

Do you ever fall to your knees and scream up at the sky “Why, God, Why?” until you remember that YOU were the one who decided to voluntarily get your hair cut like a game show host from 1976.

Do you ever spin in a circle as fast as you can shouting “I’m a deadly tornado!” until you fall on the ground puking your lunch all over an entire bed of beautiful spring lilies, and then sit up laughing saying to yourself “Wow, how ironic, I did manage to destroy an entire bed of lilies, just not in a very tornado-like way”?

Urgent Questions: Volume I

Do you ever have the urge to just grab a duck and hug him until all his troubles go away?

Did you ever look up at a clear blue sky and think, “Why isn’t the sky red like it is in all of my hellish nightmares?”

Have you ever kicked a midget, and then apologized to a different midget, thinking it was the one you kicked, when really it was a completely different midget that happened to be dining with the midget you kicked?

Did you ever blow on a dandelion and then chase the floating seeds while laughing and skipping across a dew covered meadow that is literally covered in goose crap?

Did you ever punch a wall so hard that your arm goes all the way through the wall into the adjacent room, and then given all of the people in the other room, who were enjoying a nice afternoon tea until Mr. Cranky decided to show up, the finger in that room?

What if God was one of us? Would God look around and say, “Man I hope some one-hit wonder writes a song about me, calls me a slob in it, and then is never heard from again. I think that would be a fitting legacy for my enormous deadly power and widespread influence”?

Have you ever dived into the ocean, only to surface with a mass of seaweed on your head like a perfectly styled seaweed wig? Do you then thank God that seaweed is not only delicious, but it is smart enough to cover the skull tattoo of a giant eyeball on your dumb, bald head?

Why is it that crocodiles are so mean, and panda bears are so genuinely helpful and nice? Is it because crocodiles live in Florida, and everyone knows that Florida’s property taxes are very high and basically the common taxpayer ends up screwed because all the money goes to corrupt politicians instead of back into the community like it should? Panda Bears don’t have to deal with any of this.

Have you ever had the urge to run as fast as you can at a bus and then throw yourself under it, just so you can later tell the paramedics “Wow, I really threw myself under the bus?”

How many roads must a man walk down before he gets accidentally shot by a rogue police officer who recently lost his job and had his wife leave him for another woman?

If Popeye and Woody Woodpecker had a child, would that child be named Poppy Peckeye? (Hint: The answer is yes. The real question is how drunk was Popeye that night? One thing you need to know about Popeye: When he’s drunk, he’s gotta have it.)

If a train leaves New York heading west at 60 miles per hour, and another train leaves Los Angeles heading east at 70 miles per hour, at what point would you hijack a train in the New Orleans area to try to meet them in the middle and cause a horrific three-way train crash?

Have you ever run screaming into a forest and then come out on the other side of the forest arm in arm with a grizzly bear, laughing and reminiscing about all the troubles you just went through together in the middle of the forest?