Thursday, January 7, 2010

Urgent Questions: Volume 9

If I click my heels together three times and say “There’s no place like home” over and over again while wearing my ruby slippers, do you think the neighbors could ignore the fact that I just dumped an entire bucket of paint on their dog...and that I’m wearing ruby slippers while doing yard work?

If five knuckles make a fist, and ten knuckles make a beat down, then what do two feet equal? A Mr. Miyagi-style ass kicking, that’s what. Ask Johnny in his skeleton costume, he knows.

Have you ever opened up a can of soda expecting the entire thing to explode in your face? No wonder nobody invites you to go anywhere, too much nervous soda can opening and screaming would annoy anyone after a while.

Why do people curl up with a good book when it rains outside? Doesn’t anyone lay on their bed completely straightened out and read a book? Does anyone stand up and read? Do people curl up with a book when it is perfectly sunny outside?! Has everyone gone mad?!?!?

If Big Bird and Snuffelufagus had a kid, would its name be Bigasnufflebirdaf...*choke*. Sorry, I couldn’t even get that one all the way out without choking...

Why did the chicken cross the road? Oh, you heard that question before? Yeah? Did ya? Ever hear this one? *scissor kick to genitals*.

If a coal miner stumbles into a mine without his helmet, randomly swinging his pickaxe around and blindly trying to mine some coal, what are the odds that he stumbles into a magical hidden world where leprechauns ride on unicorns, and it rains jelly beans down on meadows of peppermint grass? 25,000,000,000,000,000,000 to 1 (Vegas actually has odds on this, you can bet on anything there). Odds of him taking his best friend’s kneecap off: 3 to 1.

Have you ever clapped your hands together so hard that the resulting sound causes a Blue Jay to stop smiling and cock its head to the side quizzically? What’s his problem?

If the Batmobile loses its wheel, and the Joker gets away, then is this a direct result of Batman smelling, or Robin laying an egg at the most inopportune time?

Do happy laughing children make you instinctively check your toupee to make sure it isn’t on crooked? Children laugh at the darndest crooked hairpieces, don’t they?

Who’s on first? I don’t know, that’s why I’m asking you, genius! Abbot and who? *Throat punch*. Now YOU’RE on first...First Blood. *ominous music followed by slow camera zoom to the pupil of your eye, which slowly fills with deep red. Fade to Black*.

If a Rolling Stone gathers no moss, how the hell am I going to gather up all this moss? All I have is Keith Richards on work release, and Mick is off trying to snort a tree. I mean he is literally trying to snort a tree! These guys are totally messed up! I wonder if Led Zeppelin would gather some moss.

Why is it that when I open my mailbox, the turtle living inside menaces me with the tiniest switchblade you’ve ever seen? Can’t a brother get some mail up in here?

Have you ever listened to church bells ringing out on a crisp winter morn as bluebirds tend to their nests and squirrels gather food and wonder exactly who told you it was a good idea to make snow angels with no clothes on and no snow?

Aren’t you so happy that some kind soul left you this huge bowl of chocolate and some butter cookies to dip in it...and...that...ISN’T CHOCOLATE! *vomit sounds*

When I open my eyes after counting to 100, why is the nice policeman still standing with his gun drawn and a tazer attached to my scrotum? I clearly said “I’m counting to 100, and when I do, you had better be hiding!” Some people have clearly forgotten the innocence and fun of childhood games and frolic.

7 reaction(s)::

JenJen said...

It's either a cockeyed toupee or a whistling booger.

avalanche said...

I thought I had that soda can opening thing licked. Damnit!

UberGrumpy said...

Phew! Lots to digest there.

Plus what's with the previous comment? ???

UberGrumpy said...

Hey! Where did all that Japanese stuff go? I thought it was rather cool. Can I have it?

Millions Of Atoms Man said...

Uber: I understood every word, and trust me, you don't want it. Something about candy and terrorism.

tattytiara said...

It's true. I do expect every single can of soda I open to explode in my face. The fact that it's never happened is proof of high statistical probability, after all.

Kate said...

I have had a can of coke soak me. Not a fun experience so now I am suspicious of them all....

Kate xx

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