Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Breaking News: Gift from France

In an effort to encourage good relations between France and the United States, the French Government has gifted a 300 foot tall statue of Jesus Christ to the mostly Christian nation. The statue screams the Ten Commandments every 30 seconds via 7 loudspeakers hidden in the statue’s crown of thorns. The statue was delivered in the middle of the night last Monday and placed on a small outcropping of rocks near where the Statue of Liberty currently resides. When reached for comment, Mayor Bloomberg of New York said, “WHAT?!?! I literally can’t HEAR YOU! The statue is on the 6th commandment right now! Call back…CALL BACK LATER!!! WHAT?!!?”

The president of France offered this statement: “In a time of great suffering around the world, we realize that the word of God is needed now more than ever. We graced the good people of the United States with the Statue of Liberty many years ago, and now we give them this Christian symbol to uplift their spirits and remind them that Jesus loves them. What better way to atone for your sins than praying at the feet of a 300 foot tall representation of the Son of God! Talk about imposing! “

The statue appears to be powered by nuclear batteries with a half-life of 250 years. State officials have not, as of yet, found a way to power down the statue’s sound system. The reaction of the citizens of Manhattan has been relatively neutral, but that may be due to the fact that most of them stay indoors or run through the streets covering their ears. When questioned, one New Yorker’s response when interviewed on his feelings about the Jesus statue was “WHAT?!?!?”

In a somewhat unsettling turn of events, after sunset the statue’s eyes glow a bright red and the audio recording switches to a loop of the word “REPENT” in a thunderous rumbling tone that is causing some lower Manhattan buildings to vibrate throughout the night. A small crowd is already gathering at the feet of the statue to pray and offer thanks to the citizens of France for this gift.

In a sad note, there have been two “Jesus Statue”-related deaths since the delivery two days ago due to complete implosion from the sheer volume of the speakers. There have been ten cases of ruptured ear drums and one complete spontaneous combustion. France could not be reached for comment.

2 reaction(s)::

Dan said...

*Does slow handclap, Breakfast Club style*

Too funny man, too funny.

Caba said...

This could be my favorite one ever. Love it!

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