Monday, January 18, 2010

Punch Lines

There are times in life where you can hear only the punch line of a joke, without hearing the actual joke, and it is just as funny as hearing the entire joke. For instance, I present this classic:

Rectum, damn near killed him!

That one still makes me laugh even without hearing the whole setup before it. I present some more for your reading pleasure. For some extra enjoyment, I think it will help your experience if you read these out loud using your best impression of an old-time vaudeville comic (think: Henny Youngman or Don Rickles). If you must throw up from laughter, please use the provided sickness bags:

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Raccoon? I thought you said ‘Dracula’!

So the Boy Scout says, ‘Now that’s what I call a Black Hole’!

The frog opens the box, takes out a tax form, and says ‘Jump in, boys, the water is piss warm!’

So the hooker steps out of the limousine and says ‘Fuck ME? I’m not the one with cake on my balls!’

Then the priest looks up into the sky, shrugs, and says ‘Six of one, half a dozen of your mother!’

The umpire turns to the first baseman and says ‘Sliding is one thing, but with a monkey? Oy Vey!’

After the music dies down, the rabbit turns to the waiter and says ‘Check Please! My tuxedo has goose shit all over it!’

Then the pig steps into the hole, twists his ankle and says ‘Ha-cha-cha-cha!’

Then the antelope turns the light on, grabs his balls, and says ‘Which way to the train station?’

After the initial shock wears off, the Werewolf bows and says, ‘Cantaloupes on sale, two for a dollar!’

‘I don’t know about the monkey, but the Tiger is definitely gay!’

‘Maybe the dwarf has a full house, but the dolphin has a fuckin’ straight!’

‘Don’t ask me, I have an apeshit cake in the oven!’

‘Who cares, the donkey gave us all an extra camera phone!’

‘Mystery solved? What about the donut merchant!’

‘Don’t look now, but the wildebeest has an ape shoved up its ass!’

‘Five stories high, maybe, but TEN?!?!’

So the clock spins around and says ‘Freeze shitkicker!’

‘Sure, Mary started the washer, but Clyde stuffed the dryer!’

Then the turkey runs around the corner and says ‘Hands up mincemeat! The check is in the mail, and I’m fresh out of bubblegum!’

The mailman closes his sack, takes out a cigar and says ‘That was one fine set of nuts.’

The kitten closes his notebook, takes off his glasses, and says: ‘Sure she can cook, but can she defecate?’

And when the hovercraft finally comes to a complete stop, the driver says ‘911? I have a concussed Llama on board and I’m completely out of raw steak. No, I don't have any bananas!’

******************

The moral of the story today is: Sometimes it is just easier to skip to the end. I know I know, the anticipation is sometimes the best part and can be just as fun, but really the ending is what we all came for. The finale is what gets the standing ovation. The swelling orchestra music ending with a staccato burst of fireworks and explosions is what makes us all feel a little better about ourselves (if slightly exhausted).

And yes, I am still talking about jokes.

6 reaction(s)::

JenJen said...

Shit Kicker??
hahahahaha

The mad woman behind the blog said...

Damn, I don't know any of those. If I ever want my job back as a bartender, I'm gonna have to brush up. I think I'm past the age of getting customers just b/c I wasn't wearing panties.

Damn, TMI, right? My head isn't working today.

UberGrumpy said...

Great. How about this:

'Then he says to his boss: How sick am I? Well I'm in bed with my sister.'

Then there's

'The Man'

but for that you really need the rest of the joke:

'What do you call the insensitive part at the base of the penis?'

They're both French, so apologies for that.

Ellie said...

Utterly dazed and confused.

Millions Of Atoms Man said...

Jen -- I initially typed "ShitLicker" and made myself a little queasy. I'll include that little anecdote on the DVD commentary in the super special 23 disc edition of this post. Out this Christmas!!!

Mad Woman -- Hi. Welcome. My head obviously doesn't work either.

Uber -- All valid entries. I will make sure you get a share of the revenue from this post.

Ellie -- It's OK, that is the reaction I was shooting for. Thanks for stopping by.

Kate said...

OH no I got a scary visual of an apeshit cake. No one would want to eat that.

Kate xx

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