Thursday, March 10, 2016

Fever Dream


Not sure if anyone is still here.  I lost this thing for a while.  Just found it.  It is always the last place you look right?

Since no one is reading, I can describe a crazy dream I woke up from this morning.

I was a movie producer and came up with the best possible idea for a movie.  It combines pop culture, nostalgia, an A-list movie star and a potential for star-studded cameos.

Conan The Barbarino

The cast of Welcome Back Kotter reunites and we add Arnold Schwarzenegger in full Conan garb as "Conan the Barbarino".  John Travolta can do a walk on and be all confused about why there is a new Barbarino.  Boom Boom Washington will get beheaded in the first 5 minutes in a hilarious mixup.

Mr. Kotter:  "What is best in life?"

Conan:  "To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of Horshack"

When I woke up, I was fully erect (per usual) but this time I knew it was a result of Conan the Barbarino and John Travolta facing off in an epic sweaty man fight with swords and grunting and bad acting and hair pieces and Gabe Kaplan weeping.  And really, don't we all wake up that way sometimes?

Barbarino Prime (Travolta):  "Up your nose with a rubber hose!"  *swings a rubber hose at Conan*

Conan:  *impales Barbarino Prime on a huge sword*

Barbarino Prime:  "Off my case...toilet face..."  *dies*

I have to stop lacing my corn flakes with cocaine right before bed.

Saturday, July 28, 2012

Conversation with my Daughter

Daughter: Dad, what do Boy Scouts do?

Me: Discriminate against homosexuals and athiests?

Daughter: No, what do they do in the woods?

Me: I think they pretty much descriminate everywhere.

Daughter: I'm hungry.

Me: Hungry for Equality? Me too, Daughter. Me too. *staring meaningfully into the distance while my Daughter picks her nose*

Thursday, July 5, 2012

Pest Control

During our 4th of July festivities yesterday, the topic of pest control came up since at any given moment our heads were surrounded by a swarm of gnats making us all look like walking mushroom clouds.  The conversation went exactly like this.  Exactly like this.

Me:  *waving casually at a pesky gnat* Wouldn’t it be grand if we could come up with a sort of permanent solution to rid ourselves of these bothersome little bug friends?

Brother-In-Law:  That would be most welcome!

Me:  Indeed! 

*clinking our tea cups together*

I took down some of the top solutions and came up with a few of my own.  Hopefully you find this list helpful this summer.  Note:  None of these methods have been tested by professionals.  Lawsuits are most unwelcome.

n      In a five gallon bucket, combine the following:
o       Urine (does not have to be your own)
o       Feces
o       Rotten eggs
o       Sweat
o       Green Tea
o       Strip naked and pour the mixture over your head.  Then run through your yard screaming “Victory or Death!” as loud as possible.  The bugs will surely be intimidated by your dominance and vacate the premises.  Also do this in your neighbor’s yards as they are most likely plagued by the same bug infestation.
n      Screaming mad laughter.  It is a well known fact that most insects hate the sound of merriment.  Run through your yard low to the ground and laugh heartily towards the grass. 
n      Every hour light your entire lawn on fire.  
n      At night, casually walk across your lawn and mention the giant pile of dog shit you saw two streets over.  Go into detail about how large and horrible smelling it is.  Bugs are nothing if not curious and they will take the bait most assuredly.  Then move out of your house immediately.  They will never be able to track you.
n      Dress up like an abominable snowman and stomp loudly through your flower beds.  Who isn’t scared of a Yeti?  Mosquitos will go batshit crazy trying to get out of your yard, bet your ass on that.
n      Disco.  Play “You Should Be Dancing” by the Bee Gees at top volume from all the windows of your house.  I assure you, the pests will “hustle” their way out of your neighborhood.  They will definitely get “Saturday Night Fever” as they…run away from…disco balls.  Other 70’s references.

Good luck in the age old battle against bugs and other outdoor pests this summer.  If all else fails, just get a gun and start shooting.  Even if you hit one wasp, I think that sends a message to everyone else right?  

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