Bath Bombs: Scent from above

This is the first entry in my new popular series: Products that sound like they could kill you but in actuality add a certain degree of femininity to your life. Here is the Wikipedia definition of “Bath Bomb”

A bath bomb, one form of bath fizzie, is a bolus which, when placed in bath water, dissolves partly or completely and effervesces, also in some cases adding scent, color, and/or other properties or materials to the water.

I could write seventeen pages about all of the problems I have with this definition (‘bath fizzie’? ‘bolus’?!?!?) Point being, a bath bomb is just a fizzy bubbly thing that makes your bathwater stink and change colors (like the ‘bath bomb’ you used to do in the tub when you were a kid. You were a kid when you did that, right?). The only sinister thing I can take from this definition is the mention at the end of ‘other properties or materials’ added to the water. What? Other properties or materials? Can you buy a “meatball” bath bomb that turns your bath into a delicious Italian gravy? Can you get one that adds nails and sharp glass? Can you buy bomb that adds asbestos to the water? That would definitely be less than optimal. Barring the mysterious ending to the definition, Terrorists need to come up with a plan B because bath bombs aren’t what they may think they are. I know that one terrorist was recently arrested for maxing out his American credit card buying hydrogen peroxide at many beauty supply stores across America. I guarantee this conversation also took place at one of those stores:

Terrorist: *low voice* Do you have any bath bombs?

Beauty Supply Worker: Why yes, we have many varieties!

Terrorist: What is the blast radius?

BSW: I’m sorry?

Terrorist: The blast radius, damn your ears! How much damage could someone theoretically do? Does it explode with a great roar? Will it bring heretics and BLASPHEMERS to HOLY JUSTICE!? Eh, theoretically?

BSW: Well, there would certainly be an explosion of color and fragrance! Er, and as for radius, I’m sure everyone in your house would enjoy the wondrous scents and fizzieness!

Terrorist: *squinting and staring confused*

BSW: Would you like a sample?

Terrorist: Good day to you. *picking up his bags and leaving quickly*

As my great-great-grandfather always used to say, ‘Ain’t nothing terrifying about French Vanilla and tons of fizzy bubbles all up in your business.’ I agree. The bottom line here, Bath Bombs are not terrifying or dangerous. They have no blast radius and are basically useless in a land war. Feel free to get as many as you want and stink up every bath tub in your neighborhood. If you happen to find any “Kit-Kat” based bath bombs, buy me a couple. I’ll owe you one.