Thursday, October 1, 2009

New Reality Show Idea #2

Reality TV shows have really been leaning towards contestants with a “story” rather than just normal every day people. “The Amazing Race” has a contestant with “Asperger syndrome”, two Harlem Globetrotters, and one of the contestants has no arms, legs, eyes or heart (or fashion sense, OMG LOL). He was eliminated before the show started due to “inadequate sense of direction and lack of blood pump.”

My first attempt at a new Reality Show didn’t go as well as I hoped. It tested well with infants and viewers over 80 (because they both fell asleep with the TV on), but no one else caught on. My new idea is a million times better than the old one. “The Supertastic Mailbox” is the working title. One mailbox will hold mail and the contestants will try to retrieve the mail each day. On the way to the mailbox, they will most likely be shot and killed unless they can win the “Immunity Hooker” who will keep them safe for a week (if you consider Herpes ‘safe’). Each week the winning contestant will read the mail to the rest of the contestants. Whoever doesn’t get a letter will be “Returned to Sender” via a high velocity slingshot. Sender = Atlantic Ocean. Here is the list of applicants I’ve received so far:

John Wilson, 25, Construction Worker: John has an artificial head made from titanium that he received in a 450 hour operation after losing his head in a freak croquet accident.

Harvey Stort, 54, Corporate Attorney: Harvey is a douchebag. No reason given.

Lucinda Stort, 55, Corporate Attorney: Harvey’s wife of 32 years. She is an alcoholic diabetic. She believes that man never landed on the moon. Also believes JFK’s assassination happened on the moon. Contradicts herself often. May be bipolar.

Mitchell Ratcheson, 34, Birthday Clown: Mitchell has severe OCD and is a Gulf War veteran. His “kiddie birthday shows” usually include some kind of dangerous weapon and a 15 minute rant on “government intervention” and have resulted in 15 restraining orders and 65 house arrests.

Bobby “Bubba” Bublow, 38, Sanitation Worker: Bobby accidentally raped a cardboard cutout of Henry Winkler during a drug fueled rampage in 1998. His conviction is currently being appealed.

Mary LeFleur, 45, Telemarketer: Mary was born with no elbows or knees. Her friends call her “Stiffy Sticklady” due to her lack of flexibility. Her goal in being on Reality TV is to let other people know about her affliction and to get someone to itch her nose for her.

Frederick Charles Masterson III, 23, Party Planner: Trust fund baby who has never worked a day in his life. Friends call him "F-Chuck". Owns 35 cell phones and 451 Blackberries. Suffers from a rare disease which causes his skin cells to explode if exposed to orphaned children or homeless people.

Moose, Age Unknown, Job Unknown: No full name given. Had his jaw fused shut by a freak lightning storm while wearing braces. Uses sign language to communicate. He has been known to defecate in public without warning. Allergic to clothing of any type.

Feather Moonwind, 30, Palm Reader: Feather believes that “all the planets were created to hold the energy of the universe for safe keeping”. She also believes that love is a “precious pearl that should be cradled and cherished for all eternity.” Divorced 5 times.

If you know anyone else looking to be in an exciting Mail-related reality show, please forward their application info. Filming starts in the spring. At that time I will also begin development on “Funnel of Love” which will involve funneling beer into as many 20-something men and women as possible and then locking them into a hotel room for 48 hours. Whoever gets the most STDs or unwanted pregnancies wins! Should be a surefire hit on VH1.

4 reaction(s)::

CB said...

Hahaha!! You're right, it's getting ridiculous!!

Chrissy said...

That's the funniest post I've read in a long time! I think I like Mary LeFleur the best! It will be interesting to watch her walk to the mailbox without knees.

T-Man III said...

Dear Mr. Millions of,

While I have no interest per se in reality shows, I am an expert in numerology, a math wizard,and, if I do say so myself, a bit of a conspiracy theorist.
Accordingly, I have been analyzing your posts from a numerological point of view and have determined the following for your postings during 2008:
You wisely made 6 posts each in January and February to make up 1 post per month early.
Planning ahead, March being the third month of the year, you posted three extra posts over the nominal number of 9.
In April you posted the correct number of entries (9), but realized you were ahead of schedule and posted only 6 in May (being the 5th month, the addition of 1 to 5 WAS a safe option) to use up the extra three you posted in March, being the 3rd month.
June - Aug had the nominal 9 postings, but September is where things get interesting.
Only posting 7 entries in the 9th month may confuse many, but I understand that the ordinal position of the month within the year over-rides the actual number of posts, allowing you to use the number 7, which is considered lucky by many.
Now, in numerology, the number 9 indicates
Humanitarian, giving nature, selflessness, obligations, creative expression.
Since none of these traits appear to apply here (I have read all of your posts) one can come to no other conclusion that the number of posts in September is protesting the elimination of Pluto as a planet, which brings the number of planets down from 9 to 8. With great forsight, you have dropped the number one further, to 7, because you too have become privy to the information that the government plans to blow up one of the other planets as part of a "feel-good" 4th of July celebration in the year 2011, before the world ends in 2012. Well Played!!
This brings us to the area of Astrology, which I would elaborate on, but I see from the clock that it is time for my meds.

Millions Of Atoms Man said...

Nice try, Mr. III. However, you forgot one very important piece of the puzzle: The total number of posts is currently at 78, which as we all know is the number of times I have used the word "urine" in these pages. As in "Urine trouble, Neptune." See you in 2011...

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