New Reality Show Idea #2

Reality TV shows have really been leaning towards contestants with a “story” rather than just normal every day people. “The Amazing Race” has a contestant with “Asperger syndrome”, two Harlem Globetrotters, and one of the contestants has no arms, legs, eyes or heart (or fashion sense, OMG LOL). He was eliminated before the show started due to “inadequate sense of direction and lack of blood pump.”

My first attempt at a new Reality Show didn’t go as well as I hoped. It tested well with infants and viewers over 80 (because they both fell asleep with the TV on), but no one else caught on. My new idea is a million times better than the old one. “The Supertastic Mailbox” is the working title. One mailbox will hold mail and the contestants will try to retrieve the mail each day. On the way to the mailbox, they will most likely be shot and killed unless they can win the “Immunity Hooker” who will keep them safe for a week (if you consider Herpes ‘safe’). Each week the winning contestant will read the mail to the rest of the contestants. Whoever doesn’t get a letter will be “Returned to Sender” via a high velocity slingshot. Sender = Atlantic Ocean. Here is the list of applicants I’ve received so far:

John Wilson, 25, Construction Worker: John has an artificial head made from titanium that he received in a 450 hour operation after losing his head in a freak croquet accident.

Harvey Stort, 54, Corporate Attorney: Harvey is a douchebag. No reason given.

Lucinda Stort, 55, Corporate Attorney: Harvey’s wife of 32 years. She is an alcoholic diabetic. She believes that man never landed on the moon. Also believes JFK’s assassination happened on the moon. Contradicts herself often. May be bipolar.

Mitchell Ratcheson, 34, Birthday Clown: Mitchell has severe OCD and is a Gulf War veteran. His “kiddie birthday shows” usually include some kind of dangerous weapon and a 15 minute rant on “government intervention” and have resulted in 15 restraining orders and 65 house arrests.

Bobby “Bubba” Bublow, 38, Sanitation Worker: Bobby accidentally raped a cardboard cutout of Henry Winkler during a drug fueled rampage in 1998. His conviction is currently being appealed.

Mary LeFleur, 45, Telemarketer: Mary was born with no elbows or knees. Her friends call her “Stiffy Sticklady” due to her lack of flexibility. Her goal in being on Reality TV is to let other people know about her affliction and to get someone to itch her nose for her.

Frederick Charles Masterson III, 23, Party Planner: Trust fund baby who has never worked a day in his life. Friends call him "F-Chuck". Owns 35 cell phones and 451 Blackberries. Suffers from a rare disease which causes his skin cells to explode if exposed to orphaned children or homeless people.

Moose, Age Unknown, Job Unknown: No full name given. Had his jaw fused shut by a freak lightning storm while wearing braces. Uses sign language to communicate. He has been known to defecate in public without warning. Allergic to clothing of any type.

Feather Moonwind, 30, Palm Reader: Feather believes that “all the planets were created to hold the energy of the universe for safe keeping”. She also believes that love is a “precious pearl that should be cradled and cherished for all eternity.” Divorced 5 times.

If you know anyone else looking to be in an exciting Mail-related reality show, please forward their application info. Filming starts in the spring. At that time I will also begin development on “Funnel of Love” which will involve funneling beer into as many 20-something men and women as possible and then locking them into a hotel room for 48 hours. Whoever gets the most STDs or unwanted pregnancies wins! Should be a surefire hit on VH1.