Thursday, September 16, 2010

Lotus Notes is a Busybody

Quick mini-rant here:

Lotus Notes is an email software developed by IBM that we use at my company. It was made out of granite and fire in 1723 and hasn't been upgraded since then. I tried to attach an Excel spreadsheet to an email and gunpowder fell out of the screen.

It's old.

Anyway, I was tippy typing away on an important memo today about very important coroporate-type stuff and I happened upon the need to type the word "uninstall" as in:

"I would love to uninstall Lotus Notes and send it to the woodshed for a proper whipping."

So the ubiquitous red squiggly line appears under "uninstall" which is Lotus Notes' way of saying:

"Heyyyyy mister, I don't rightly recognize this here word 'uninstall'. What is that, some kind of new-fangled whosy whatsit?"

*tobacco spit*

*spitoon ding*"

Turns out, Lotus Spell Checker has a major issue with this word. So I right-click on the squig to see what the mighty Lotus suggests I do with it. Instead of a list of possible re-spellings or alternate definitions, I get this:

"No suggestion."

Oh? No suggestion? You went out of your way to squig my word and now you are backing away with your hands up saying "I just know its bad, I don't know what to do with it though! It's bad! I know it!"

Don't give me crap for words that you don't even have the slightest inkling of how to handle.

"That one got too many letters! Squig it!"

"That one is wayyy to fancy-like for this here email! Squig it!"

"Me don't like! Too many big letters in front of small letters!"

Lotus Notes is the equivalent of Fisher Price email for toddlers, if such a thing were to exist.

That is all.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

That’s How Much I Love You

I have cheated on you twenty-five times in the past ten years. That works out to under three times a year, which is well below the national average.

That’s How Much I Love You

I went to see Twilight with you and disguised my vomiting by putting my entire head inside the super sized popcorn bucket so you could still enjoy looking at Taylor Lautner’s abs.

That’s How Much I Love You

I opened a checking account in your name and filled it with wishes from my heart and smiles and fluffy things. When the clerk asked me if I was going to put any money in it, I said “Love has no price you simple minded barbarian” and gave him the old “How’s Your Family” (don’t ask).

That’s How Much I Love You

I chased a dog through the streets of Manhattan so I could tell him how the dimples in your cheeks make we want to stuff them with kisses. The dog bit my scrotum and urinated on my shoes.

That’s How Much I Love You

I High Five everyone I meet multiple times regardless of what they are currently doing. I was impaled by my dentist’s drill as a result.

That’s How Much I Love You

I would write your name in the stars every night if I could, but my penis doesn’t reach that high.

That’s How Much I Love You

I detained the mailman for thirteen hours because I thought he had a picture of you, but it turns out it was a pamphlet from the Church with angels on the front of it.

That’s How Much I Love You

I put cocaine in your eggs every morning and pot in your brownies every night so you have enough energy to get through the day and enough slacker-ass laziness to get to bed on time.

That’s How Much I Love You

And finally, I stopped sending you flowers pursuant to the court mandated restraining order you had filed against me.

That’s How Much I Love You

Monday, September 13, 2010

It's a Major Award!

Well, it appears as though someone besides my therapist is reading this blog. I have been named "Blogger of Note" at Words of Wisdom! Needless to say, I am humbled and very appreciative. There are tons of great blogs featured there all the time, you should go check the site out.

For any new readers who get caught in this verbal bear trap: Welcome. You will find after seconds of reading the things posted here you may feel dizzy or slightly nauseous.

This is normal. Do not be alarmed.

Just open a window and get some fresh air and you should feel better momentarily. Here are some especially wonderful collections of words that form paragraphs that are generally coherent:

22 things you didn't know about me until now -- This should give you a good idea of just what kind of a fruit loop you are dealing with here.

New Year's Resolutions -- A list of my New Year's Resolutions. I got all of them done except...most of them.

Fun things to do when you are bored -- Self explanatory and true.

Welcome newcomers, I hope you stay a while. It gets boring talking to myself all the time.


Thursday, September 9, 2010

Book of Lucille: Verse 10, Chapter 11

And so during the End of Days, a great fire came down upon the Earth. And that fire started many smaller fires. And those smaller fires started many little campfires. Everyone had little isolated cookouts and ate many bratwursts and hot dogs and hamburgers and drank copious amounts of beer while trying to ignore the raging inferno that started the whole thing. True to form, America ate more than the entire world combined because America is the fattest land in God’s entire Universe. God used the fire test to redesign Americans with much smaller mouths and no stomachs. His Will Be Done.
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