Tuesday, January 5, 2010

New Year Resolutions

I decided to write a post today on the unusual topic of “New Year Resolutions.” I’m sure you have never read a post like this before, especially at this time of year. Besides the standard resolutions of “Lose Weight”, “Stop Smoking” and “No more robbing the elderly” here are some of my other resolutions. I am resolved to resolute these resolutions by year’s end, and the resolutions shall resolve to be resolving and resounding!

* Start a talk show to fill the void left by Oprah. I’m referring to the screaming housewife void, not the void in space left by Oprah herself.

* Build a robotic raccoon that would serve three purposes: Home defense, comic relief, and host of the talk show mentioned above.

* Paint all public roadways a stark white color. Not only will this give the driver a sense of constant winter wonderland, it will blind the shit out of any terrorists trying to drive somewhere.

* Get around to watching that show I mistakenly put on my DVR: “Hulk, el hombre increible” which loosely translated I believe means “Hulk: the inedible mailman.” It sounds frightening.

* Get a Sherman tank and show up for a drivers test with it. Say things like “Where do I parallel park this thang?” “Do y’all have a shootin test too?” “Is this test hard? I hope I don’t tank it!” “Tanks for the memories!” “Did you smell that? It sure did sTank!” And other witticisms.

* Buy the Dallas Cowboys and fire everyone except the cheerleaders.

* Open a checking account with the name “Dick Mister” so the lady at the bank would have to say “How do you do today, Mr. Mister?” and then I would say “Great Great!” and she and I would laugh together until we both threw up.

* Finally enact my plan to start a “Third Hand Smoke” scare. All I have to do is hang around smokers, inhale deeply, and then chase people down the street and exhale loudly at them. I tried this in Chicago and New York as test markets and the results were less than favorable.

* Scream. All the time. In public.

* Keep my friends close, my enemies closer, my mailman at arm’s length, my dog about ten feet away, my coworkers out in the hallway, my therapist in my lap and my blogging friends in my hip pocket.

* Dance like no one is watching, and make sweet love while everyone is watching and pointing and hey are they laughing? Forget this one. I’m just going to continue to do everything like everyone is watching and openly mocking me.

* Stop making New Year’s Resolutions! LOL! *insert laugh track from annoying sitcom* Ya know? Because they, I mean really, they just never get done and um, it’s ironic to make one of your resolutions be to stop making them because it just uh, contradicts the um space-time continuum and so forth.

Happy New Year.

4 reaction(s)::

JenJen said...

Brilliant! I especially love this:
Dance like no one is watching, and make sweet love while everyone is watching and pointing and hey are they laughing? Forget this one. I’m just going to continue to do everything like everyone is watching and openly mocking me

Dan said...

Seriously man, I'm thinking of putting up a permanent link to this site. You need more people over here. Writing as funny as this shouldn't be missed.

Third hand smoke. Like it.

Myrna R. said...

Well, this is the second post I read. I'm still laughing. Thanks again.

Karen Peterson said...

Well who doesn't want a robotic raccoon?

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