Tuesday, December 22, 2009

My Holiday Wishes

I wish that I never hear another Tiger Woods “hole in one” joke. Why couldn’t Tiger have been a bowler? Oh, 7-10 split. Never mind.

I wish that laughter really was the best medicine because this cough syrup tastes like distilled ass.

I wish that the secretary on the public address system here at work would stop saying “decks” instead of “desk”.

I wish that the Webster’s dictionary people would get together and have the word “redonkulous” removed from our vocabulary. You have no idea how annoying that word is until you work with people in the computer programming arena. “This egg McMuffin is redonkulous!” Is it? Is it really?

I wish that the man in the cubicle next to me had a sense of humor, or even one social skill. He just had the most awkward conversation with a coworker, transcribed here for your discomfort:

Awkward Man: “Do you know what the Beatles original name was supposed to be?”
Disinterested Co-worker: “Um, no. The Bugs maybe?”
Awkward Man: “Do you want to phone a friend!” (very loud, laced with guffawing laughter)
Even More Disinterested Co-worker: *laughing politely* No, I guess I don’t know what the Beatles were almost called... *trailing off*
Loud Awkward Man: “Do you want to ask the audience!”
Even More Disinterested Co-worker: *small cough then silence*
(Wait for it…you know what’s coming)
Loud Awkward Man: “50-50?!?!!” *now laughing hysterically*
(then I hear a thump as the co-worker passes out from the weight of the awkward interaction crushes her spirit and her body)

I wish I could open my mouth and eject a forceful jet stream of Jelly Beans. I know I would scare the shit out of everyone, especially kids, but I think once everyone realized it was Jelly Beans, they would hail me as their new freakish hero.

I wish my kids had British accents.

I wish I could travel in time. My first act, of course, would be to save Michael Jackson. My second act would be to rethink that act and kill him myself. My third act would be to go a little farther back and save him again so he could teach me how to moonwalk. My fourth act would be to kill Macaulay Culkin.

I wish that 99 percent of people who come to this blog weren’t looking for help with Clubbed Thumbs. I had no idea how serious this problem was until Google started redirecting everyone to my dopey post. I get 5-10 searches a day with keywords like this:

“Why do I have clubbed thumbs”
“Where do clubbed thumbs come from”
“clubbed thumb sex”
“club thumb bad for my hand”
“my club thumb talks and makes me kill people”
“clubbed thumbs and fat feet”
“if club thumb is bleeding do I hit it with hammer again”
“how do clubbed thumbs control the weather”
“clubbed thumbs and ballet dancing”

I wish for peace on earth and good will towards hot women but only if you are single and trying to get them to sleep with you. Otherwise, I wish for peace on earth and cool indifference towards hot women.

I wish that snow was cocaine, and that cocaine was sugar, and that sugar was salt. That would take care of the drug problem and automatically salt the roads every time it snowed. It would make cookies taste like absolute balls, but that is the price you pay in the war on drugs.

I wish someone had told me that Brussels’ Sprouts don’t actually come from Brussels. I flew all the way there and was all like “Please give me your finest sprouts” and they were all like “What the fuck are you talking about?” and I was all like “America Rulez!” and they were all like “What?”

I wish I had Million Dollars. Hot Dog!

Lastly, I wish for you and all of my friends out in the blog world, and your families and their families families and pets and babies and mistresses and “paid escorts” to have a wonderful holiday season and make sure you remember the true “reason for the season”.

Which would be buying things and giving things to other people.

And wandering around aimlessly and saying things like “I need a list” to people you know.

And going to malls and buying five dollar cups of coffee while waiting in lines of people holding giant television boxes and looking sick about it.

And taking your kids to see Santa when Santa doesn’t want to see your kids and they don’t want to see him.

And opening a present from your mother in law which turns out to be an ugly sweater, which you then have to hold up and tuck under your chin with your arms holding the sleeves straight out to the sides so everyone can see an approximation of what it will look like when you actually wear it one day and then everyone can say “Oh, I like that sweater a lot, very nice!” while you sit in your chair looking like a palsied scarecrow with lock jaw and a sweater stuck under your chin.

Be safe, drink lots of egg nog (why aren’t there any other kinds of nogs), and I’ll see you in ’10.

9 reaction(s)::

Kate said...

British accents are over rated trust me.

Loved the co-worked conversation - how clueless is he?

Kate xxx

JenJen said...

This is my favorite post so far of yours. What a crack up!

Well done.

Megan said...

Fantastic, but I am disappointed that you didn't include a desire for more people to appreciate "The March of the Wooden Soldiers" and the use of little red and white darts as weapons of mass annoyance.

Millions Of Atoms Man said...

Kate -- Thanks for the comment. Maybe if you hear British accents all the time they become overwhelming, like eating an entire bucket of popcorn with butter every hour of every day.

JenJen -- Thanks as always.

Megan -- I am embarassed. Addendum wish: I wish everyone would watch March of the Woodend Soldiers and marvel at the Monkey/Mouse, the Bogeymen, the overwhelming military power of tiny red and white darts and Barnaby. See, you want to watch it now don't you...

Megan said...

The most enticing trailer ever made:


now you REALLY want to watch it.

Caba said...

Every single day of my life, you scare me. I wish our kids had British accents too. But then they would be MUCH smarter than us (or at least sound much smarter). And I'm already worried about the power they yield in this house ...

Kate said...

Ho ho ho, thanks for the laugh!

And your idea for the war on drugs is brilliant!

UberGrumpy said...

There used to be a Noggin the Nog. 60s telly, pretty poor.

Dan said...

Hey buddy! Hope you had a great Christmas?

The British accent is pretty cool.......depending on what area you are talking from. I'm from Essex, you wouldn't like mine.....

Great post, as always.

Happy New Year to you my friendly!

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