MTV Finally Goes All In

They finally did it, those magnificent bastards. MTV finally produced the show of all shows. After years of failed attempts, you did it MTV! I’m ecstatic for you! I collapsed weeping in my cocoa pebbles this morning with sheer joy for you.

The Jersey Shore

The cast couldn’t be more perfect, the setting more idyllic, or the hijinx more risqué (hey now, look out!). I happened to get a list of potential castmates that just missed the cut (don’t worry, I’m sure Jersey Shore 2: The Wrath of Vincenzo is just around the corner).

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Joey “Butts” Digregario: Joey is from Queens, NY. Joey is Italian. He likes butts. His friends call him “The Butts.”

Maria Venantiorio: Maria is from Bayonne, NJ. She is a sweetheart, but don’t get on her bad side or you will see her totally bitchy side! She likes her men all ripped up and tanned with a lot of cologne and bad attitude!

Vincent Pasticarliorio: Vinny is a biker from Queens. He has done enough steroids to severely distend his cranial cavity and shrink his testicles. His friends call him “The Pebbles”.

Gianna Delvecchiatoriata: Gianna is from the Bronx, NY. She has a really bitchy side if you cross her, but her friends all say she is a sweetheart. She likes her men muscular and retarded.

Vitella Chiampiatelligaritoriata: Vitella is from Brooklyn, NY. She likes to do her hair and put on makeup everywhere she goes! She is a sweetheart to her friends, but don’t get on her bad side! Then the claws come out and she will turn into “the bitch from hell”.

Mark DellatorimpatantonioSabatos: Mark is a “bruiser from the Bronx”. He likes lifting weights and lifting beers with his buddies. His friends call him “The Information” because he has a lot of information about sexy ladies, and also sex.

Donatella Ciampatoriagatelanbucciagarateliantata: “Donni” is from Staten Island, NY. She has had a boyfriend for 5 years but at the same time is “looking to have a good time this summer.” She is a sweetheart but is also a total bitch if she needs to be.

Rick Bacciatiliantano: Rick is from Long Island, NY. He is a waste management expert who spends his free time “getting ripped” and working on his hair. His nickname is “The Golden Shaft” because he once fell two floors down an elevator shaft and survived. I know, I wasn’t expecting that either…

Mary Vicharenzapintellinivecchiatoriatatellifermicellispaghetarotelli: Mary is a straight-A student from Queens, NY. She enjoys reading and really wants to spend a summer at the jersey shore. She is a total bitch. All the time.

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Let’s keep our fingers crossed that the ratings for this one are through the roof!