Urgent Questions: Volume 2

Do you ever climb a tree and perch on the highest branch with your hands shaped like claws pretending to be a vicious, vicious tree sloth (with claws) only to find that you are naked, and the tree you just climbed is actually your therapist?

Have you ever been given incorrect change at the grocery store and then swept the leg of the checkout girl? Do you then follow procedure and get her a body bag? Yeah?

Have you ever gone to the movies and softly hooted like an owl while eating popcorn like an owl would until someone shatters your owl illusion by taking your picture and showing you that you are in fact just a human being, admittedly with abnormally large eyes for a human, and not really an owl with owl feelings and owl dreams?

Do you dream in color? If so, can you adjust the color so the red isn’t so red? Thanks, it’s hurting my eyes and I’m mostly color blind anyway, so you can just switch to black and white if you wanted to. Nudity looks the same to me regardless of the color, know what I mean, wink, wink?

Did you ever try to roundhouse kick a daisy and then become frustrated at the sheer resilience and fortitude of such a pretty flower? Man, those beautiful Daisies really have it all figured out.

Have you ever opened a book expecting a horrible demon head to pop out, and then laugh when the only thing that pops out is a little leprechaun scolding you about his tiny pot of gold, which you have yet to return (and really, he’s never going to see any of that gold again, because you blew it all on candy and nuts)?

Have you ever conspired against your dog with your cat? If you haven’t breached the subject yet, your cat would totally be up for whatever you have planned, I swear.

Have you ever used dog excrement like shampoo, just rubbing it and massaging it into your scalp while you let the water pour over you, forgetting all of your troubles while you whistle “Don’t Worry Be Happy”, until you are kicked out of the main fountain in the park for generally acting like a public spectacle and smelling like dog excrement (not to mention frightening an entire busload of Japanese tourists)?

When you do heroin, do you shoot it directly into your veins, or just eat it spread on a piece of bread mixed with peanut butter? Everything tastes better mixed with peanut butter, doesn’t it?

If a question ended with an exclamation point instead of a question mark, then wouldn’t it just be you up to your old tricks, yelling out silly things while high on Vicodin and wishing the clouds were made of whipped cream instead of whatever clouds are made of?

When you drive through a toll booth and throw your change into that large white basket, do you ever have the urge to throw yourself into that basket to see where the change goes (and to maybe beat the system and get that
70 cents back)?

Did you ever want to learn how to play the violin just so you can accompany all the miserable minutes of your life with appropriate music?

If pink is the new black, shouldn’t green be the new who gives a crap?

Do you ever use your elbow to painstakingly type out an email, and then slowly bow forward and send the email using your nose and then sit back and laugh out loud at the wondrous hallucinogenic properties of mushrooms?

If a single blade of grass represented our universe, and each blade of grass in your front lawn represented other universes out in the cosmos, and every lawn on your street represented tiny cosmoses that are part of a bigger cosmos, then shouldn’t you just get a job already and stop getting high all day?

When Lobsters beg for their red-shelled lives in a boiling pot of water, do you put your face real close to the pot and tell them in hushed tones how delicious they will be once they shut up and die already?

If I decided to name my Son “Boy”, would he grow up thinking his father is way too literal? Consequently, if he ever brings it up, I could always tell him that I could have named him “Male Human Being with testosterone generated from his male testicles” which would have been WAY more literal, thanks for asking, next subject.

When babies laugh, does it make you sad to think about all the times you used to laugh until your house was carried away by a giant ant and thrown into the river while you screamed for someone to save your house, but the only creatures nearby were other giant ants that were kind of shrugging and saying “That’s what you get for building your house so close to a giant ant farm dude.”?

Did you ever knock out a punk-ass sucka only to find that they stole your weed earning them another beat down at a later date? Aw yeah, baby.

Have you ever done a baseball slide into your cubicle at work screaming “SAFE! The Giants win the pennant! The Giants win the pennant!”? If so, make sure you take out some of your coworkers so they can’t tag you out. That’s Baseball Strategy 101, man. Get your head in the game.

Would you be guilty of murder if you stole an entire sandwich from someone and just killed that sucker?

Is it crazy to build a giant birdhouse where your garage used to be, or just smart planning in case your distant bird relatives come to visit? Trust me, you don’t want them flapping all over your guest room leaving feathers and bird crap everywhere.

Did God invent questions so that inquiries wouldn’t feel so stuck up and important?

If you took the time to point out to every driver in America how much better their lives would be if they saved the environment by driving a hybrid car, would you be surprised if I kicked you in the back of the head with a giant clown shoe?

If a tree falls in the woods, and no one is around to hear it, could you please be under it when it does? You have really gotten on my last nerve today.

Have you ever eaten a dog biscuit only to find that it actually tastes like a dog? And now doesn’t your dog’s goofy smile seem so much more sinister?

How many times have you walked into a room, forgotten why you walked in there, and then urinated in the fish tank to show those goldfish who the real head of the household is? I knew there was a good reason you walked in there.

Have you ever run into a deli screaming like a banshee, just to see how many people drop their sandwiches so that you might get a free sandwich out of the deal?

Do you ever fall to your knees and scream up at the sky “Why, God, Why?” until you remember that YOU were the one who decided to voluntarily get your hair cut like a game show host from 1976.

Do you ever spin in a circle as fast as you can shouting “I’m a deadly tornado!” until you fall on the ground puking your lunch all over an entire bed of beautiful spring lilies, and then sit up laughing saying to yourself “Wow, how ironic, I did manage to destroy an entire bed of lilies, just not in a very tornado-like way”?