Friday, February 20, 2009

20 Questions

A man at the County Fair walks up to a booth in the far corner of the campgrounds next to a tall oak tree. The booth looks timeworn, encased in dirty red velvet fabric that listlessly moves in the late summer breeze. The sign above the booth says “20 Questions! Answer all questions honestly, and Comp-U-Tron 3000 will guess who or what you are in 20 questions or less! Only One Dollar!” The man starts to turn around but is drawn back to the old booth. Why not, he thinks with a shrug. He enters the booth and sits at a small desk that has headphones and a microphone resting on its surface. He puts on the headphones and inserts a dollar bill into a slot by his knee. As soon as his money disappears, the headphones fill with the sound of a robotic voice:

I am Comp-U-Tron 3000! I am always right! Please answer these questions with either ‘Yes’ or ‘No’. Let’s begin.

Are you female?
*man leans toward the microphone* No.
Are you male?
Yes.
Are you smaller than a bread box?
No.
Is your last name “Goldthwait”
No.
Are you Bobcat Goldthwait?
No!
Are you green?
No.
Do you have a beard?
Yes.
Are you sure you aren’t Bobcat Goldthwait?
YES!
Do you sing songs in the shower?
Yes.
Are you Fidel Castro?
*silence*
Are you Fidel Castro?
No.
Do you have crossed eyes?
No.
Does your voice have a gravelly tone, like a smoker’s voice would?
Um…Yes.
Are you the Marlboro Man?
*sigh* No.
Do you have any outstanding warrants for your arrest?
*silence*
Do you have any outstanding warrants for your arrest?
How is that relevant? I thought this was supposed…
Please answer only ‘Yes’ or ‘No’.
NO!
Do you like puppies?
Yes.
Are you a puppy?
*silence*
Are you a puppy?
No.
Have you ever suffered from kidney failure?
No?
Are you Jerry Lewis?
*silence*
Are you Jerry Lewis?
*silence*
Are you Jerry Lewis?
What is the meaning of these questions?
Please answer only ‘Yes’ or ‘No’.
No.
Does it sting when you urinate?
What?
Please answer only ‘Yes’ or ‘No’.
NO!
Are you Kelly Clarkson?
I said I was a man!
Please answer only ‘Yes’ or ‘No’.
NO!
Please lower the volume of your answers. Thank you.
*silence*
Does the pope shit in the woods?
What, are we telling jokes now?
Please answer only ‘Yes’ or ‘No’.
Yes.
Are you the pope?
No.
Do you like to dance?
Look, I think we are way over 20 questions at this point…
Please answer only ‘Yes’ or ‘No’.
Yes.
Are you Tom Cruise?
*sigh*
Are you Tom Cruise?
NO!
On a clear day, does the sky appear to be blue in color?
Yes.
Are you an Emperor Penguin?
*silence followed by the clicking sound of the man trying to get his dollar bill back*
Are you a Ham Sandwich?
*the sound of a man slamming his fist on the small desk in the 20 questions booth*
Are you a Billy Goat?
*ruffling sound of a man standing up quickly as the curtains in the booth are disturbed by the sudden movement*
Are you a Tree Sloth?
*the sound of thrown headphones and diminishing footsteps as the man leaves angrily*
Are you Jimmy Carter?
*silence*
Please answer only ‘Yes’ or ‘No’.
*silence*
Comp-U-Tron is now computing your identity. Please Hold.
*sounds of computer beeps and buzzes followed by the loud ‘ding’ of a bell. There is a pause while a cool breeze blows through the empty booth, ruffling the curtains at the entrance*

You are a small hummingbird. Comp-U-Tron 3000 is always right! Thank you for testing my knowledge. Have a nice day.

After a few minutes of silence in the booth, a small hummingbird flies in through the parted curtains at the entrance, hovering just in front of the slot that accepts the money for ‘20 Questions’. The bird appears to survey the slot, and then suddenly it throws itself against the machine repeatedly; almost angrily. After a few minutes of this, the hummingbird hovers momentarily over the desk with the headphones, and bolts towards the exit, knocking the microphone over on the way. A passerby sees the hummingbird jet out of the 20 questions booth and up into the clear blue day. He reads the sign over the entrance, hesitates, and then starts searching his pockets for a dollar bill. As he enters the booth, he glances up at the old oak tree next to the booth and notices hundreds of hummingbirds circling and hovering in the branches. They scatter as he enters.

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