Urgent Questions: Volume XI

When Pluto got demoted from “ninth planet in the solar system” to “non-planet”, do you think Neptune gave it the finger every time they passed each other in orbit, or would Neptune be the kind of planet that would send flowers and be sympathetic? Actually I think Neptune realizes that it’s next if it doesn’t shape up, so it’s probably on its best behavior right now.

When dogs walk backwards, do you laugh at the sheer hilarity of it, or start walking backwards yourself because you are just that insecure?

If your friendly local milkman leaves two bottles of milk on your doorstep instead of one, would you run naked out of your house and whip him half to death with a Korean Death Reed, or would you finally admit that milkmen have no ready access to anthrax, and the fact that milk is white doesn’t automatically make it the same as “Death Powder from Al Qaeda”. Trust me; the judge will want you to admit that. He will also want you to wear some slacks and a nice oxford to the hearing.

If I opened a Chinese restaurant on Chinese New Year in the heart of Chinatown, would people gather around to chuckle at the perfect timing, or would they run in and order two helpings of “Happy Rainbow Dragon Family on Wisdom Pearl Circle”? That’s my signature dish, which is really just shrimp and vegetables like 90 percent of the menu.

If laughter is the best medicine, wouldn’t screaming be the worst medicine? If so, give me a double dose of sweet laughter, because all of your screaming is making me totally sick, man.

When squirrels suddenly stop in place and stand straight up alertly looking around, do you think they are doing that because they have sensitive earthquake-detecting feet and they know something you don’t?

If monkeys could fly, would pigs follow soon after, thereby making people all over the world do a bunch of things they never thought they would do, but definitely agreed to as long as either monkeys or pigs flew? I think the pigs and monkeys would team up, with monkeys riding on the pig’s backs, just to stick it to all those suckers who never thought either one would happen, much less both at the same time.

Have you ever thrown a stick for your dog, and then shrieked in terror when he came back with a human hand in his mouth? I don’t know why you were so surprised, that wasn’t a stick you threw for the dog; it was your Aunt Bobo.

If a snake slithered up to you and asked you for directions to the art museum, would you mock him for liking art, or would you shake his hand and offer him a cool glass of lemonade and a friendly smile? What do you mean, snakes don’t have hands? They don’t talk and go to art museums either, what’s your point?

Have you ever put “Deadly Karate” on a resume just to intimidate the hiring manager into giving you a job?

Does your girlfriend roll a Honda, playing workout tapes by Fonda? I don’t know if this is common knowledge or not, but Fonda does not have a motor in the back of her Honda; true story.

If you walk into a grocery store with a bear suit on, do you go right for the meat section to keep up appearances, or do you browse a little while, trying to appear like a casual bear?

If fifty-five sheep came barreling down a hill towards your house, would you be impressed at the fact that there are fifty-five sheep (in a group) in your suburban neighborhood, or would you piss your pants and secretly admit that your father was right all these years? The sheep are mobilizing, they have tripled in numbers, and they appear to be much more organized than they were in ’78.

If Johnny goes to the hardware store and buys five nails, and Lucy goes to the same hardware store and buys a hammer, and Billy goes to the same hardware store and buys six coils of rope, how long will it take before Lucy realizes that Johnny and Billy are gay and they probably don’t even find her attractive, even though she went out of her way to wear her best dress? What a waste!