Tuesday, June 15, 2010

"Everything's Coming Up Babies!"

Mr. and Mrs. Freemantle get the good news over the phone that they have been chosen to appear on a new reality show called “Everything’s Coming Up Babies!” The show deals with the months leading up to the birth of a new baby (or babies). Part of the process involves a home interview with the happy couple, who at this time are 7 months along and expecting quadruplets. Mrs. Freemantle, Judy, is quite large and very uncomfortable. Mr. Freemantle, Ray, is beaming happily and excited about the prospect of becoming a father. The camera crew and an interviewer have just arrived at the Freemantle home to interview Ray for the show.

“Testing. Testing. One, two three. Testing. OK for you? Good. OK Ray, we are just going to ask you some basic questions about you and Judy. Answer however you see fit, ok? Real informal.” The interviewer finishes testing the microphone and hooks it up to Ray’s shirt collar.

“No problem,” says Ray as he settles into his favorite chair.

A voice from behind him says “Counting down. Ready in 3…2…1…”

“Thanks for taking some time to talk to us, Ray. How did you and Judy meet? What was your first date like?”

“We had a rocky start to our relationship. I admit I wasn’t the nicest guy to be around. Between the heroin and the drinking, I was a real ‘gloomy Gus’, if you will. One time, Judy came over to my apartment with some takeout food for dinner, and I got so enraged by the sight of her I punched her in the neck so hard her throat collapsed and her Adam’s apple exploded. Boy was I embarrassed! I was so high when she walked in the door I thought she was a Panda Bear coming to put me in jail for concealing a cartoon hammer. She wasn’t a Panda Bear though, she was Judy, and I had to make a call to 911 pretty quick! That was our first date and we always remember it to this day with a fond smile.”

“CUT!” The director’s voice booms out over a loudspeaker as the interviewer leans in to talk to Ray. “Ray, ah, you want to try to cool it with the drug and violence talk? This is a family show.”

“You wanted to know about our first date!” Ray protested.

“Yes, I know, but try to clean up your stories. Consider your audience, OK? Now, why don’t you tell us about the night you proposed to Judy,” the interviewer says as she leans a little closer to Ray squinting as though she is interviewing the Prime Minister of England on national TV.

“Wow, what an amazing evening that was. We finished our ‘Moons over My Hammy’ at our local Denny’s and she was like totally constipated. I started making fun of her backed up shitter and then she eventually gave in and started laughing about it too. That’s when she noticed a ring floating in her Diet Doctor Pepper. I had the waitress put it in there! She fished it out and started weeping all over the place. Needless to say, I was disgusted with her public display of weakness. After disciplining her at the table in front of the Denny’s patrons, I asked her to marry me. She initially said ‘No’ through a lot of tears and whining, but I suggested she say ‘Yes’. By ‘suggested’ I mean I silently stared at her clenching and unclenching my jaw until she said ‘Yes’, and the rest is romance history!”

“Um, ah,” the reporter nervously shuffles her notes. “So, Quadruplets! Tell me your reaction when you found out you were going to be having four babies at once!”

“Well, I was enthusiastic; maybe overly so! I was completely naked, of course, and I was just doing a little jig singing, ‘I’m Gonna Knock You Out’ over and over again until I had all of that nervous energy out of my system. Then when the prostitute left our pool house, I found Judy and let her know that I was finally OK with all of this, despite my initial reaction of vomiting all over her newly-planted bed of hydrangeas. I also kicked her kneecap off. Initially, mind you. Plus, we found the kneecap in the hydrangeas, which was fortunate.”


An exasperated Ray throws his hands up in a helpless gesture as the interviewer confers with the director. The interviewer returns and says, “Ray, we are having a big problem with your choice of language. Please clean up your act for TV, ok?”

“I thought I was being clean,” Ray mutters to himself as he nods an agreement and the interview continues.

“Has your wife had many physical symptoms of pregnancy? How involved have you been?”

“Oh me oh my, those babies have certainly been active! Those little bas- Those little guys have really been moving around. The way they have been kicking in there, I think we have a whole soccer team in there! Hopefully they aren’t Argentinean, am I right? They are really flipping around like a bunch of little nutfuckers!”


“Ray, please, you cannot curse on this show. This is a show being broadcast during the day on a family network!”

“Oh, right, right, sorry about that.”

“OK and ACTION!”

“When I found out we were pregnant, my stomach flipped a few hundred times! *laughs* I told my boss and he wasn’t too enthusiastic for some reason, starting in with ‘What about work?’ and ‘Who is going to cover for you?’ and whatnot. What a shitbrick!”


The interviewer hurriedly packs up her things as the entire camera crew packs up and leaves within a five minute time period. Ray looks around confused and then heads into the kitchen where Judy is waiting expectantly.

“Well, how did it go?” Judy asks.

“I think it went OK, Jude. I really do.” Ray says. Just then he leans very close to Judy’s face, inspecting her eyebrows. He reaches up suddenly and violently pulls a handful of eyebrow hair from in between Judy’s eyebrows. “Told you to clean that shit up,” he says as Judy tears up and the sound of squealing tires shrieks from the driveway.

3 reaction(s)::

The mad woman behind the blog said...

Okay, that was disturbing. Funny as hell but disturbing. Thank you.

JenJen said...

Not entirely amused today....but I think I broke my funny bone.

Caba said...

That was exactly like our episode of a Baby Story!!

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