Monday, May 11, 2009

Urgent Questions Volume 5: The Wrath of Kahn

When you see a rainbow gracefully bending over a sun-covered mountain range, do you ever wish you could bend gracefully over the toilet next time you vomit from drinking too many strawberry daiquiris, instead of sticking your head out the window of your new car and splattering neon red puke all over your driver’s side door?

When I asked you to take out the garbage for the seventeenth time today, was I speaking German, or do you just not understand “Getoffyourassian” (pronounced, “Take out that garbage, or I’ll ram your face in it”)?

Do you get your hopes up every time you open a Hershey bar that this time, maybe this time, you will actually get a Golden Ticket and get to tour the magical Hershey chocolate factory and finally get a chance to rescue a gluttonous fat boy as he tries to drink an entire chocolate river?

Have you ever startled a homeless man while he was in the middle of urinating into a large Dunkin Donuts coffee cup, only to realize that the “homeless man” is your brother, and that “coffee cup” is actually your hair?

Have you ever woken up next to a fat raccoon thinking that his cute little bandit mask is not nearly as cute in the morning?

Will Harry ever learn about the Birds and the Bees, and about how Birds and Bees actually hate each other due to a longstanding feud, despite all the filthy sex they are associated with?

How many times have you dropped your pants in public, only to find that you were wearing skin-tight leather pants with orange and yellow flames embroidered on them, so it was probably better that you dropped those things anyway, despite what the prosecutor says?

When a turkey flies out of the woods brandishing a firearm and gobbling at you in angry tones, are you all like “Whaaaaat? OMG! WTF? LOL! ROFLMAO! BFF! CUL8R!”

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