Thursday, May 7, 2009

The Office

Have you ever seen the movie ‘Office Space’? It is such a great movie, and so accurate that you could probably get away with classifying it as a documentary. My office is very much like the office in that movie. What follows is an actual conversation I heard this morning when I went to get my coffee:

Man 1: Almost the weekend.
Man 2: Yep, what a week.
Man 1: See the game last night?
Man 2: Nope.
Man 1: Yeah, at least it didn’t rain yesterday.
Man 2: Yep.
Man 1: Tough week huh? Workin’ hard or hardly workin’?
Man 2: *laughs harder than he should*
Man 1: Hey, I know you! *pointing to Man 3 walking over*
Man 3: Ghostbusters! *all three men laugh and walk away together*

This was an actual conversation by three grown human men. Ghostbusters? I don’t even understand the reference. What is it about an office that makes people talk so strangely? This isn’t just limited to the workers. Here is an actual excerpt from our company’s holiday memo from management:

Join us from 2:00-2:30 PM on December 22nd for cookies and punch in the company cafeteria. Santa has been seen and may be making an appearance!

Employees are reminded that they are not allowed to consume any type of food or drink at their desks at any time.

Merry Christmas!

Wow, way to shut down the celebration before it even gets here. They can’t just let everyone have a good time for a half hour out of one day; they have to hit you over the head with policy even in the holiday memo. I think management is one step away from having monitors follow us around the cafeteria whispering in our ears while we innocently try to buy our lunches:

“Employees are reminded that trans fats are the number one cause of heart disease and obesity.”
“Employees are reminded that high cholesterol is the nation’s number one killer.”
“Employees are reminded that foods high in sugar cause enormous weight gain and depression.”
“Employees are reminded that 75 years is the average lifespan of a human male and aren’t you turning 50 soon? Maybe get a salad?”

Did they change the name of my company to “Wet Blanket Ltd.” without telling me? Anyway, be glad you don’t work here. The paranoia is overwhelming. What was that?!? Oh, they are just installing the mini-webcam over my monitor so they can take a picture of my facial expression every 15 seconds. It’s part of the “Be Happy or Else” campaign to make sure the workplace is a happy one. Then, on Friday, it’s Hawaiian shirt day! Employees are reminded that Hawaiian shirts are only to be worn for a total of 10 minutes time and then changed to a three piece suit.

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