Urgent Questions: Volume X

Why is it that my car is constantly driving itself to a strip club called “The Pumpkin Patch” all by itself with me in the driver’s seat? And who put a stack of a hundred dollar bills in my pocket? God, are you there, it’s me Margaret.

Who came up with the phrase ‘Get off my lawn or I’ll slap a restraining order on you so fast your head will spin’? I find it to be such a whimsical phrase, with just the right touch of melancholy and hope.

If I tell you a secret about a recently discovered link between sausage links and orgasms, will you promise to tell Jimmy Dean? He’s in the phone book. He won’t take my calls, or I would just call him myself.

Did you know that Rudolph was originally a blue-nosed reindeer? He was, until market researchers told Santa that red inspires a much more positive response in the 0-6 year old demographic. So, Santa had Rudolph genetically altered in a series of seven painful operations that took a total of 35 hours. That is why toddlers scream and wet themselves whenever they see Santa: Complete fear of genetic alteration and mindless pandering to demographics.

If I buy a gun, wear a coonskin cap and tell everyone I’m Davy Crocket, king of the wild frontier, can you just please play along and stop rolling your eyes? I think we could totally get laid tonight if you just stick with the plan.

Coke or Pepsi? Well, first of all, Coke is illegal. That being said, I bet you never heard of anyone doing lines of Pepsi off of a hooker’s stomach, have you? Question answered.

If a Balloon jumped out at you from a dark alleyway and tried to turn the tables and blow you up, would you try to pop it with your fingernail, or would you flim flam the floojy flazit? (You never know how much you rely on spell checker until it’s gone. Wow.)

If Billy has 13 caterpillars and Lucy has 16 caterpillars and Reggie has 20 caterpillars, then where the hell did all these caterpillars come from *slapping at my hair*?

If you have a 5 pound bucket of Hog Fat, and a 5 pound bucket of Chicken Feathers, which bucket would taste better dumped on top of a 5 pound bucket of SHUT IT?

If your mail gets sent to Johnny’s house, and Johnny’s mail gets sent to Richard’s house, and Richard’s mail gets sent to Sally’s house, and Sally’s mail gets sent to your house and…Holy Crap, does Sally really subscribe to ‘Duck Digest Monthly’? What could that magazine possibly be about, besides ducks? What was the original question?

If a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush, how much is a bird in your pants worth? Is there a conversion chart?

Have you ever wondered where wishes go when they leave your brain? I like to think they go to the “Wish-A-Torium” where angels sort them and label them and box them up and put them in a “Wish-Warehouse” to rot away and die. Call me a simple-minded dreamer, but I have always believed this.