Thursday, December 11, 2008

End Of Days

Friends and neighbors, I come to you a humble and frightened man today. I read some news that will surely bring the End of Days. DO NOT PANIC! In this dark hour, it is important that we band together and take care of each other until we can find a solution. Okay, I’m just going to come out with it, like ripping a band-aid off with one pull:

Oprah Winfrey has gained weight.

I know, it is the worst possible scenario for the planet. She hasn’t just “gained weight”, she has “amassed fat” to the tune of two bills (two hundred pounds in Canadian metric scale), and that is a disjointed tune, my friends. I know what you are thinking. How can a woman who can command the weather and decides whether or not there will be light or darkness on any given day let something like this happen? How can a national treasure that has the ability to read minds and can catch bullets with her teeth become so horrifically downtrodden? How can “O” gain so much “W”? Her personal trainers have done their best, but she has let us all in on a little secret: Oprah is afraid of exercise. Who can blame her? Aren’t we mortals all afraid of elliptical machines with their non-circular motions and sharp claws? Stairmasters with rotating steps that literally go nowhere! There be monsters in yon treadmill! Stephen King couldn’t write a more frightening novel! Between you and me (and Bobby McGee) I have always believed that weights are too heavy to lift. Plus, they can easily be dropped and make a comical hole in the floor through which you can see your downstairs neighbor cooking dinner.

Speaking of dinner, what is Oprah supposed to do with such clearly inferior personal chefs and assistants? They are obviously overworked and have shirked their duties to the point that Oprah Winfrey is fat! Again! Is no one as outraged as me? I mean, how is she supposed to fly her Lear jet to Cabo San Lucas when she can’t even fit into the dress she wore to the Oscars a year ago? Has the world gone mad? Mark my words, this is just the beginning. There are many theorists who are predicting the end of the world due to the fact that the Mayan calendar ends in the year 2012. In three years from now, imagine how immense Oprah will be if something isn’t done now! Let me throw down a little timeline for you: 2009…Oprah is 200 pounds…2012…Oprah is 500 pounds…Mayan Calendar ends….the connections are too numerous to even ignore. 2012 = Oprah stuck in a vortex = Yahtzee = Game Over.

We know the problem now. Oprah, giver of light, has bravely stepped forward and let us see what has become of her. What can we, as a nation, do? That is the real question here. President-Elect Barack Obama says he is a man of change; well Mr. Obama here is your first challenge! Let the gauntlet be thrown! I say, alert the United Nations! We already have a “peacekeeping force,” why not an “Oprahkeeping force”? You know France will jump on board. Sure the economy is a disaster. Millions of American workers are out of jobs and homeless. Look beyond these selfish humans: Oprah has lost control of her mouth and chewing/swallowing mechanisms! She needs more qualified personal trainers! Take some bailout money and immediately send it to Oprah’s personal chefs! Restore Oprah to her rightful size! She actually referred to herself as a “fat cow” in a nationally available interview! Are you going to stand by and let this happen? No more! Stop this disgraceful spiral now! De-claw the elliptical trainers! Give the Stairmasters a destination! Smoke out the treadmill demons! Shut down the Hamburger Plants! If not now, when? If not you, who? If not Oprah, Who-prah?

The universe (and the Mayan civilization) is waiting.

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