Monday, March 30, 2009


I propose that we all stop using the phrase “Surf the Internet.” I have suggested this to the new President and he gave me a pat on the head and sent me off with a glass of milk. I think he was trying to avoid the subject. Surfing is a dangerous, athletic sport that requires unparalleled balance and stamina. Going to a website requires a working finger (or barring a working finger, I suppose one useable toe would suffice). Don’t fall into the trap of feeling like maybe you did some exercise that day because you “Surfed” for 5 hours. I think in the end America’s fitness issues are in part hampered by this phrase. Many people claim exercise due to “surfing all day” which we all know to be false. Have you ever moved your mouse a few inches and then put your arms out dramatically to either side of you shouting “WHOA!” like you almost lost your balance? If you have, then go see a doctor because you probably have a serious inner ear infection. I worry about you. Plus “surf” and “web” don’t even remotely go together. That is like saying “Paddle the Limo”, “Ski the Golf Course” or “Eat the Brussels’ Sprouts”. Total nonsense.

I propose we use one of the following new phrases to replace the old “Surf the Internet” abomination. Please vote and I’ll forward the results to the following authorities: God, Octomom, Lauren Conrad of 'The Hills', Keenan Ivory Wayans, the other 74 Wayans Brothers, Fred "Rerun" Berry, Thomas the Tank Engine and Madonna.

--Spin the Spiderwebs (spooky and mysterious...)
--Ride the Info-Coaster (Ups, downs, occasional vomiting...)
--Screw the Library (Self-explanatory.)
--SOAP: Search Out Animal Pornography (NOTE: Remove this before posting. IMPORTANT!)
--Be Awesomely Anonymous (BAAAAAAAAAA!)
--Walk the Light-Rope (Fiber optics? Light based data delivery? It’s a stretch, but I’m counting on you to stretch with me. And if you read the stuff on here regularly, you are going to have to stretch more than Elastic Man.)
--Mouse Trap! (Exclamation points always make things sound better and more exciting. Also, Mouse Trap is an awesome game I used to play when I was a kid, so double bonus points for this one.)
--Sausage Links (I’m starving.)
--Sweet Potato Link...Fries...Web (*looking around for some Ritz Crackers or something*)
--Hitchhike on the Pancake Superhighway (Ok, I have to go get something to eat.)
--Linky-Loo (My kids both love this one, for some reason.)
--Orbit Planet Uranus (*giggle* Forgive me, this is supposed to be serious.)
--Orbit Planet Linkatron (There that is much more serious.)
--Burn up the Floojit (Floojit? It’s pronounced “Stop asking so many questions about the words I use.”)
--Skydive into Link Heaven (OK, I may have written that one while I was “under the influence” (of pancakes)).
--Wear a Heavy Coat (That isn’t a suggestion for a new phrase; it’s just a friendly reminder. It’s cold out.)

I am welcome to other suggestions as well. Please help me redefine the internet and the way the world sees it. Now pardon me while I go “Vigorously lift weights” the “Television”.

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