Thursday, July 15, 2010

Oh Language, how I despise Thee

I wrote this post a while back about phrases and common sayings that I have grown to hate or that just generally confuse me.

I came up with a few more.

In keeping with the tradition of making 99 percent of blog posts on the internet about things that bother people (I put in a request to rename it the “Bother-net”) here are some choice words and prhases that bother me. I am not excluding myself from being guilty of saying all of these things, because I definitely have.

No one is more bothered BY me THAN me. Always know this.

Please to enjoy:



In an internet world where most human experiences are abbreviated, bite-sized and acronymic, I give you the most overused and ridiculous of all the internet buzz words: Meme. First, a few definitions:

--a cultural unit (an idea or value or pattern of behavior) that is passed from one person to another by non-genetic means (as by imitation); "memes are the cultural counterpart of genes"

--The term Internet meme is a phrase used to describe a catchphrase or concept that spreads quickly from person to person via the Internet, much like an esoteric inside joke.

--Meme is a department of Southwest Province in Cameroon. The department covers an area of 3,105 km² and as of 2001 had a total population of 300,318.The capital of the department lies at Kumba.

I see the phrase “passed from one person to another” and “spreads quickly from person to person”. Looks like we are talking about another of my favorite acronyms, STD, am I right high five? There’s nothing like a good ‘esoteric inside joke’ to make you feel like a complete ass at the internet party, right?

I personally choose to go with definition number three for meme. The next time someone comes at me with an esoteric inside internet joke, I will say “The capital of the department lies at Kumba” repeatedly until that person gets their esoteric hell away from me with a preferably high rate of esoteric speed.

“That being said”

‘That being said, I actually enjoy public fornication.’

‘That being said’ is another phrase that is wholly and completely unnecessary in the English language. We know already that you just said something; we heard you say it! Remember? We were here when you were saying it! You are trying to set a bookmark in history of your previous statement for some reason and no one knows why.

Why not ‘that being eaten’? ‘That being eaten, I will now complete my meal with this milkshake.’ Um, OK? I know it was eaten, I saw you do it already. Just keep on eating, OK? Or don’t?


This was a new one to me, since I’m old and every day I have to chase kids off my damn lawn with my walkin’ stick.

Damn kids. Oops, there goes my back again. Bunions! Other Old People maladies!

‘FTW’ stands for ‘For The Win’ and is used most commonly by people who feel like they need to be winning things that may not even necessarily be contests or that they may be the only participant in. Kind of like the ‘Honorable Mention’ ribbons that all the kids get for the Science Fair when they didn’t actually do any work.

‘Ham Sandwich, FTW!’ was one I saw the other day. Ham Sandwich, for the win! So that person won the sandwich contest, apparently (ham division). Good for that person, right? He’s been training for so long. It was overdue.

‘Condoms, FTW!’ – I agree that this is a well earned victory (unless the condom breaks, then it will change to ‘Condoms, FTB!’ (Condoms, for the Baby!)

‘Chuck Norris, FTW!’ – Chuck would hate anyone who said that to his bearded face. Hey, I just participated in a ‘Chuck Norris Meme!’ See what I did there? This blog is like beautiful rings of colored smoke, just intertwining and merging and forming a smoky rainbow. I’m like a god damned magician with this shit.


I have said it before, and I will say it again now: If people rolled around on the floor laughing their asses off in real life as much as they do on the internet, then we would all be committed to an asylum.

‘I went for a jog today. It was so humid! ROFLMAO!’

Imagine saying this seemingly un-funny statement to your friend, and then getting all the way down on the floor and rolling around laughing until tears poured down your face and your ass potentially started to detach itself? Your friend would be tempted to shoot you with a tranquilizer dart to make it easier to transport you to the nuthouse.

Don’t make your friends carry around dart guns.


This one stands for ‘Owned’ meaning ‘Dominated’ or ‘Beaten’ as mistyped by someone who is frantically trying to get the word from keyboard to screen and hits the ‘P’ key instead of the ‘O’ which is common due to their adjacency (adjacentness?).

‘You were just totally pwned by that girl at the bar who dumped a Long Island Iced Tea into your hat!’

Adding the word ‘totally’ in front of it implies the totality of the pwning as opposed to a normal pwning. The pronunciation of this word sounds like you are suppressing a burp (your cheeks puff out and everything).

‘I am letting that cheese steak know that it should be prepared to be pwned by me.’

You see how it works?


Welcome to the internet. It’s going to be a bumpy ride. I hope there are no aliens watching us trying to figure out our language before they make contact.

It may take a while.

4 reaction(s)::

aladdinsane12 said...

ok, so this is a dumb question, but how do you pronounce meme? do you pronounce it like mimi, the fat overly-made-up chick from the 'drew carey show' or like meem, with the second e silent, or mem, which would be the french way to pronounce it? i'm serious. i don't know how.

i've never heard of FTW. i immediately thought it would stand for "fuck the world" in which case, i'd use it every day.

Jessica said...

You make me laugh.

The mad woman behind the blog said...

Why don't more people follow your genius? Come on, this is GOLD right here, GOLD I tell ya!

Millions Of Atoms Man said...

aladdin -- I pronounce it "May-May", which is wrong but so right.

jessica -- you make me laugh too. All the time. In public usually.

mad woman -- I don't know! Follow Me to the Promised Land!

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