The Office

Have you ever seen the movie ‘Office Space’? It is such a great movie, and so accurate that you could probably get away with classifying it as a documentary. My office is very much like the office in that movie. What follows is an actual conversation I heard this morning when I went to get my coffee:

Man 1: Almost the weekend.
Man 2: Yep, what a week.
Man 1: See the game last night?
Man 2: Nope.
Man 1: Yeah, at least it didn’t rain yesterday.
Man 2: Yep.
Man 1: Tough week huh? Workin’ hard or hardly workin’?
Man 2: *laughs harder than he should*
Man 1: Hey, I know you! *pointing to Man 3 walking over*
Man 3: Ghostbusters! *all three men laugh and walk away together*

This was an actual conversation by three grown human men. Ghostbusters? I don’t even understand the reference. What is it about an office that makes people talk so strangely? This isn’t just limited to the workers. Here is an actual excerpt from our company’s holiday memo from management:

Join us from 2:00-2:30 PM on December 22nd for cookies and punch in the company cafeteria. Santa has been seen and may be making an appearance!

Employees are reminded that they are not allowed to consume any type of food or drink at their desks at any time.

Merry Christmas!

Wow, way to shut down the celebration before it even gets here. They can’t just let everyone have a good time for a half hour out of one day; they have to hit you over the head with policy even in the holiday memo. I think management is one step away from having monitors follow us around the cafeteria whispering in our ears while we innocently try to buy our lunches:

“Employees are reminded that trans fats are the number one cause of heart disease and obesity.”
“Employees are reminded that high cholesterol is the nation’s number one killer.”
“Employees are reminded that foods high in sugar cause enormous weight gain and depression.”
“Employees are reminded that 75 years is the average lifespan of a human male and aren’t you turning 50 soon? Maybe get a salad?”

Did they change the name of my company to “Wet Blanket Ltd.” without telling me? Anyway, be glad you don’t work here. The paranoia is overwhelming. What was that?!? Oh, they are just installing the mini-webcam over my monitor so they can take a picture of my facial expression every 15 seconds. It’s part of the “Be Happy or Else” campaign to make sure the workplace is a happy one. Then, on Friday, it’s Hawaiian shirt day! Employees are reminded that Hawaiian shirts are only to be worn for a total of 10 minutes time and then changed to a three piece suit.

Cinco De Mayo

Yesterday was “Cinco De Mayo” which means “Sink full of Mayo” in Russian. I find it strange that we as a country celebrate a holiday that revolves around a large amount of a popular condiment contained in a kitchen appliance, but I suppose there are stranger things to celebrate. I am currently lobbying for my work to shut down on “Dishwasher De Ketchup”. So far my emails on the subject have been unopened. I also think someone is following me to and from work in a limo. Why would that be?

Anyway, happy Sink Full of Mayo, everyone? And a Merry “Garbage Disposal full of Salsa” to my friends from Mexico. Ole!

The Greatest Love Story Ever Told

I would like to tell you a story. This story is about a boy and a girl, as many stories are. The boy’s name was Nothing and the girl’s name was Something. Nothing loved Something with all of his heart. They were inseparable. Nothing’s friends were a little dubious, however. Conversations between the boy and his friends were always very similar:

“I love Something,” the boy would say.
“What?” the friend would answer.
“I love Something.”
“What?”
“I love Something!”
“I heard you, what do you love?”
“Are you messing with me?”
“No, you said you love Something, and I want to know what!”
“Something!”
“You aren’t going to tell me? Why is it such a huge secret?”
“I just did tell you!”
“Fuck you and your secret love,” the friend would usually say and then storm off.

For Something, her conversations were equally frustrating:

“I love Nothing,” the girl would say.
“Why?” her friend would answer.
“It’s hard to say…”
“Are you sad?”
“No, quite the opposite!”
“Well, why do you love Nothing?”
“I just do!”
“That seems very sad. Everybody loves Something.”
“Thank you!”
“Thank you for what? I don’t understand you.”
“Well, Nothing does.”
“Again, that seems very isolationist.”
“As long as I have Nothing, I’ll be happy.”
Something’s friend shakes her head in bewilderment. “Cheer up, OK?”

One day, Nothing gave Something a red rose. Something’s heart filled with even more love for Nothing and she vowed to one day marry Nothing. Eventually Nothing did marry Something. They had two children: Everything and Mystery. And a dog named Supposedly. They lived for many years as a huge, strangely-named, happy family until one day Something’s father showed up demanding to know why he wasn’t invited to the wedding. His name was…Steve. Yes, Steve.

“Why wasn’t I invited to the wedding?” asked Steve.
“Nothing wanted you there,” Something began.
“Nothing?”
“Yes.”
“You mean ‘No one’ wanted me there?”
“No, Nothing wanted you there. Something did not.”
“You did not?”
“Yes.”
“If Nothing and Something had Something and Nothing then would Everything become Nothing?”
“Of course.”
“Mystery?”
“Sometimes.”
“Supposedly?”
“Why Not?”
“Nothing.”

Then, Grandmother Probably came a-knocking on their front door with some kind of story to yap about:

“Is someone at the door?” said Nothing.
“Probably,” said Something.
“Well, did you check the door?”
“Yes.”
“Is someone there?”
“Yes, Probably.”
“Didn’t you check for sure?”
“Yes.”
“Are you going to answer it?”
“Probably will come in eventually.”
“What? Why don’t you just open the door yourself?”
“Oh, Probably let herself in.”
“There is a woman at the door?”
“Probably.”
“Fuck you and your secret love,” Nothing said and stormed off.

This family had many ridiculous conversations in the years to follow, most of them unprintable. No one could understand these conversations and eventually everyone they knew disowned them or alienated them until they considered changing their names like Steve had. They all met in a secluded cabin and started to think about what their new names should be. That was, until Great-Grandfather Always came along with his whuppin’ stick and 100 miles of bad attitude. He was a raging alcoholic and beat them all within an inch of their lives. Probably.

The End

You have just read The Greatest Love Story Ever Told. When you stop crying (if you stop crying) please do your part and pass this story on to everyone you know. Like the Beatles said, “All You Need Is Love.” They also said “I’d like to be under the sea in an Octopus’s Garden in the shade,” so maybe their advice isn’t the most sound advice you could follow. Anyway, it is your duty as a citizen of Planet Earth to send this story to everyone who needs some hope in their life. If they get no comfort from this story, then they have dark twisted souls that no one can heal. I do what I can but I can’t go around trying to heal everyone’s burnt shell of a soul. Get a real soul, losers.

This story is the closest thing to Heaven that you will ever see on Earth. Remember it always as it shall remember you. I Love You.

Signed: Jesus Christ Our Lord and Savior