Book of G.O.B: Verse 30, Chapter 22

And in the fiery aftermath of the Apocalypse, a new race will be born: A breed of half man, half Fireman which would basically just look like a regular Fireman since they are half man already by their nature. And these new half-breeds will put out all the fires and then hang around their Firehouses drinking beer and washing their fire trucks over and over and over and over again. Praise to half-breed fire people and ridiculously clean fire trucks.

Book of T-Bone: Verse 10, Chapter 2

And so it came to pass that the Trees became the tallest natural creation on Earth. And the Trees stood tall and strong for many Millennia. That is, until God created lightning and Trees started getting zapped and burned to the ground. The Trees tried to kind of bend over and not be so tall any more, but God immediately reprimanded them: “Stand tall and proud, ye Trees of God! Stop slouching!” To which the Trees responded, “But all this lightning! We don’t want to get hit by lightning so much! It stings and burns and stuff!” To which God responded, “Fine, squat like washerwomen taking a dump. I don’t care.” The Trees felt bad (and a little offended) and remained tall and true in the face of lightning and hurricanes and tornados and all the other bad things God threw at them. When the Trees realized that God was mocking them with these trials, they quickly invented lightning rods and attached them to bushes. Hey, free will, right God old pal? God sulked for a week and then got over it. Soon after this squabble, God created platypuses which made him giggle and smile again. Praise to the tall Trees and the Burning Bushes.

This Just In

“The Bus” has finally ground to a halt due to upwards of one billion human bodies being thrown under it while moving. “The Train” reports no problems and continues to run unimpeded. “The Boat” is all like ‘What about me?’ The “Horse and Buggy” have retired.