I am sure most of you watched President Obama’s speech last night from the Oval Office about the BP Oil disaster in the Gulf of Mexico. I thought the speech was serviceable, but I felt there was definitely not enough cursing. Not one fist slam on the desk either, which was regrettable. I actually submitted a speech for the White House to consider using last night. They regretfully declined. Tell me what you think, k?
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My Fellow Americans,
We are faced with the worst disaster in American History. Millions of gallons of oil are being pumped into the Gulf of Mexico each and every day. The wildlife in the region is in extreme danger. The local businesses are under great financial strain. The local fishermen are going out of business.
I first want to commend BP on their brilliant plan to shoot golf balls into the leak in an effort to stop this destruction; really excellent troubleshooting there. Was Modell’s all out of baseballs? Did Toys R US run out of mother fucking bouncy balls? Did you get a chance to execute your “Rubik’s Cube Offensive” yet? The world waits with baited breath.
I also want to give you a huge Presidential “thumbs up” for your beautiful television ads that show your CEO looking very sorry and apologetic. I am glad you are so concerned about your public image. Never mind the image of the ducks dripping oil from their feathery asses. How much did those ads cost, by the way? I noticed that they run every half hour on CNN in primetime. If you will take a little constructive criticism, perhaps that money could have been better used in buying more golf balls? You could have bought tons of Silly Putty or Play-Doh for the amount that those ads must have cost you. Think of the lost possibilities.
I find myself getting a lot of the blame for this disaster, and so I feel the time has come for me to take some concrete action. Words are just empty promises until fulfilled by action.
As you can see, I am putting on a specially designed wet suit. I am going to then put on a snorkel apparatus and get in a helicopter. The helicopter will take me directly and without delay to the Gulf of Mexico. I will then swan dive into the middle of that shit and eat it. That’s right. I’m going to eat. Every. Last. Gallon. Of. Oil. In. That. Motherfucking. Ocean. I will not stop until it is all gone. While I am “containing” the oil, special ambassador Chuck Norris will roundhouse kick the leaking pipe and use his beard to weld it shut. I will leave him in the Gulf Region to scream the oil off of all the wildlife.
I will then roll myself on to shore, get back into a reinforced helicopter that will handle the extra weight, and fly directly to BP headquarters. After entering the office of the CEO, I will bend over and shit that oil all over the BP CEO’s expensive oak desk. I hope to cover all of his golf trophies and deer heads mounted on the wall with my oil-filled excrement. I should have enough left over for the CIO, the CFO, the EIEIO, the LOL and even the secretary will get an oily fart thrown her way. I will not rest until that entire building is filled to the brim with a special “Presidential Pardon” meaning “Pardon me while I expel the contents of my intestinal tract all over your god damned billion dollar corporation.”
In closing, I want to pass on a special message from my friend Timmy the Turtle. What’s that Timmy? OK, I’ll tell them. Timmy says “glugglugglugglurrg” because he has oil coming out of every orifice. Per Timmy’s dying wish, “BP” will now stand for “Bullshitting Pricks”.
Thank You and Good Night.
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For reasons known only to them, the White House declined my draft of the President’s speech. I prefer my version to his, all due respect.
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