Lyric Analysis Master Class Day 2

I hope you were paying attention during the last class. Today's lesson is much more advanced and in general much more important than the introductory class. To review, musical artists sometimes hide hidden meanings and philosophical commentary in the lyrics of their songs. This class will attempt to extract those meanings and make you better people in the process. Open your ears, close your eyes, button up your sweater (I'm looking at you, lady) and take off your shoes. Here we go.

“The Final Countdown” by Europe

We're leaving together
But still it's farewell
And maybe we'll come back
To earth, who can tell?
I guess there is no one to blame
We're leaving ground
Will things ever be the same again?

It's the final countdown
The final countdown

Analysis: The continent of Europe is planning on detaching from the Earth and traveling into Outer Space. Obviously, they forget the time that Jamaica tried the same thing with a “Weed Rocket” that was really just a giant joint. They got so stoned that they thought their houses were giant bags of Cheetos and started eating their way through drywall and plaster. Needless to say, this is a bad idea Europe. Stay on mother earth, for your children’s sake.

“Stairway to Heaven” by Led Zeppelin

There's a lady who's sure
All that glitters is gold
And she's buying a stairway to heaven

When she gets there she knows
If the stores are all closed
With a word she can get what she came for

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh
And she's buying a stairway to heaven

Analysis: Oprah is shopping again.

“Round Here” by Counting Crows

Maria says she's dying
Through the door, I hear her crying
Why? I don't know

Round here we always stand up straight
Round here something radiates

Analysis: Some chick named Maria is being overly dramatic again while everyone in town stands up straight and farts. This song makes me homesick.

“Safety Dance” by Men Without Hats

We can dance if we want to
We can leave your friends behind
'Cause your friends don't dance and if they don't dance
Well they're no friends of mine
I say, we can go where we want to
A place where they will never find
And we can act like we come from out of this world
Leave the real one far behind
And we can dance

Analysis: Some hipster jerkwads want you to ditch your friends because they don’t want to dance like dipshits. “A place they will never find” is probably just their sports-themed apartment with lame pseudo-metal blaring through their weak speakers. They will offer you some Bud Light Lime and a bowl of stale Wheat Thins while trying to feel you up. I’ll give you a tip: Men without Hats are probably not wearing hats because they couldn’t find one to fit their steroid-inflated balloon noggins. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

“Birdhouse In Your Soul” by They Might Be Giants

Blue canary in the outlet by the light switch
Who watches over you
Make a little birdhouse in your soul
Not to put too fine a point on it
Say I'm the only bee in your bonnet
Make a little birdhouse in your soul

Analysis: Your bedroom is infested with bees and killer bluebirds that get their power directly from electrical sockets. Sleep well little angels. *sinister laugh*

“Message in a Bottle” by The Police

I'll send an S.O.S. to the world
I'll send an S.O.S. to the world
I hope that someone gets my
I hope that someone gets my
I hope that someone gets my
Message in a bottle, yeah
Message in a bottle, yeah
Message in a bottle, yeah
Message in a bottle, yeah

Analysis: Someone needs to stop drinking and staying up late watching sappy movies about impossible romances and “wronged wives” and general "depressionality" (trademark).

Homework Assignment: Write a 20,000 word essay on the meaning of these lyrics:

"Electric Avenue" by Eddy Grant

We gonna rock down to Electric Avenue
And then we'll take it higher
Oh we gonna rock down to Electric Avenue
And then we'll take it higher

Talking points:

1. Where is 'higher' and how does it relate to the drug culture of today's society vis-a-vis the blah blah blah and the heretofore such and such?
2. What is 'Electric Avenue' as related to the um...hey a penny!
3. Who ate the last twinkie?
4. How many times do I have to tell you to replace the twinkies when you finish them?
5. Seriously, who ate it?
6. Do we have to sit here all day?
7. Whatever happened to Eddy Grant?
8. Is it true that Eddy Grant morphed overnight into Whoopi Goldberg right under America's nose?
9. Is is possible to rock UP to Electric Avenue depending on where you live (and the bus schedules)?
10. Who dat ninja?

Oh Language, how I despise Thee

I wrote this post a while back about phrases and common sayings that I have grown to hate or that just generally confuse me.

I came up with a few more.

In keeping with the tradition of making 99 percent of blog posts on the internet about things that bother people (I put in a request to rename it the “Bother-net”) here are some choice words and prhases that bother me. I am not excluding myself from being guilty of saying all of these things, because I definitely have.

No one is more bothered BY me THAN me. Always know this.

Please to enjoy:

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Meme

In an internet world where most human experiences are abbreviated, bite-sized and acronymic, I give you the most overused and ridiculous of all the internet buzz words: Meme. First, a few definitions:

--a cultural unit (an idea or value or pattern of behavior) that is passed from one person to another by non-genetic means (as by imitation); "memes are the cultural counterpart of genes"
wordnetweb.princeton.edu/perl/webwn

--The term Internet meme is a phrase used to describe a catchphrase or concept that spreads quickly from person to person via the Internet, much like an esoteric inside joke.
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Meme_(Internet)

--Meme is a department of Southwest Province in Cameroon. The department covers an area of 3,105 km² and as of 2001 had a total population of 300,318.The capital of the department lies at Kumba.
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Meme_(department)

I see the phrase “passed from one person to another” and “spreads quickly from person to person”. Looks like we are talking about another of my favorite acronyms, STD, am I right high five? There’s nothing like a good ‘esoteric inside joke’ to make you feel like a complete ass at the internet party, right?

I personally choose to go with definition number three for meme. The next time someone comes at me with an esoteric inside internet joke, I will say “The capital of the department lies at Kumba” repeatedly until that person gets their esoteric hell away from me with a preferably high rate of esoteric speed.

“That being said”

‘That being said, I actually enjoy public fornication.’

‘That being said’ is another phrase that is wholly and completely unnecessary in the English language. We know already that you just said something; we heard you say it! Remember? We were here when you were saying it! You are trying to set a bookmark in history of your previous statement for some reason and no one knows why.

Why not ‘that being eaten’? ‘That being eaten, I will now complete my meal with this milkshake.’ Um, OK? I know it was eaten, I saw you do it already. Just keep on eating, OK? Or don’t?

“FTW”

This was a new one to me, since I’m old and every day I have to chase kids off my damn lawn with my walkin’ stick.

Damn kids. Oops, there goes my back again. Bunions! Other Old People maladies!

‘FTW’ stands for ‘For The Win’ and is used most commonly by people who feel like they need to be winning things that may not even necessarily be contests or that they may be the only participant in. Kind of like the ‘Honorable Mention’ ribbons that all the kids get for the Science Fair when they didn’t actually do any work.

‘Ham Sandwich, FTW!’ was one I saw the other day. Ham Sandwich, for the win! So that person won the sandwich contest, apparently (ham division). Good for that person, right? He’s been training for so long. It was overdue.

‘Condoms, FTW!’ – I agree that this is a well earned victory (unless the condom breaks, then it will change to ‘Condoms, FTB!’ (Condoms, for the Baby!)

‘Chuck Norris, FTW!’ – Chuck would hate anyone who said that to his bearded face. Hey, I just participated in a ‘Chuck Norris Meme!’ See what I did there? This blog is like beautiful rings of colored smoke, just intertwining and merging and forming a smoky rainbow. I’m like a god damned magician with this shit.

“ROFLMAO”

I have said it before, and I will say it again now: If people rolled around on the floor laughing their asses off in real life as much as they do on the internet, then we would all be committed to an asylum.

‘I went for a jog today. It was so humid! ROFLMAO!’

Imagine saying this seemingly un-funny statement to your friend, and then getting all the way down on the floor and rolling around laughing until tears poured down your face and your ass potentially started to detach itself? Your friend would be tempted to shoot you with a tranquilizer dart to make it easier to transport you to the nuthouse.

Don’t make your friends carry around dart guns.

“PWNED”

This one stands for ‘Owned’ meaning ‘Dominated’ or ‘Beaten’ as mistyped by someone who is frantically trying to get the word from keyboard to screen and hits the ‘P’ key instead of the ‘O’ which is common due to their adjacency (adjacentness?).

‘You were just totally pwned by that girl at the bar who dumped a Long Island Iced Tea into your hat!’

Adding the word ‘totally’ in front of it implies the totality of the pwning as opposed to a normal pwning. The pronunciation of this word sounds like you are suppressing a burp (your cheeks puff out and everything).

‘I am letting that cheese steak know that it should be prepared to be pwned by me.’

You see how it works?

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Welcome to the internet. It’s going to be a bumpy ride. I hope there are no aliens watching us trying to figure out our language before they make contact.

It may take a while.

Book of Maebe: Verse 99, Chapter 2

Hold hands with Jesus whilst you walk the path of enlightenment. If ye chose to not hold hands, ye could get hurt. And make sure ye look both ways before crossing the road of the damned. Hey, don’t let go of Jesus’ hand! HOLD HANDS WITH JESUS! That’s it I’m taking all of your coloring books and crayons away! I SAID HOLD HANDS! Fine, get run over by a chariot, see if I care! WHY WON”T YOU LISTEN TO ME?!?! JESUS!