Urgent Questions XIII

If Mr. Peanut came tip tapping into your house with his top hat and cane, would you join him in an impromptu tap dance routine, or would you crack that nut and make Mr. Peanut Butter?

When stars fall from the sky, do you chase them running through moonlit wheat fields to see where they landed, or do you just wait for one to land on your house and put an end to your miserable existence? Hey, cheer up, will ya?

Do you ever think that maybe your dog is smarter than you? That maybe he or she has the answers to the mysteries of the universe, and just lacks the ability to communicate them to you? That maybe, just maybe, your dog is the answer to all the world’s problems? Oh, that’s right; dogs do eat their own crap, don’t they? Never mind.

When your cell phone rings, do you flip it open and begin talking animatedly about your exciting day, or do you instantly regret your “Funky Cold Medina” ringtone?

If hindsight is 20/20, is foresight 50/50? What about foreskin?

When a doctor hits your knee with his little reflex hammer, do you ever wonder why the hammer is skin colored and it appears to be attached to his testicles?

Why are people so afraid of clowns? It’s not the clowns people need to be afraid of; it’s their lethal poisoned lip makeup. Making out with clowns is the death bringer, not the clowns themselves. Just keep your distance and you’ll be fine. Or will you? *scary music followed by a tight closeup on Bingo the Clown’s inflated red lips, which mouth the words “You’re next”*

Will I ever see a day where alien beings land on earth and tell us earth-dwellers how to get our grooves back?

If California got all high and mighty one day and decided to become their own country, do you think Nevada could invade and take them in a fair fight? Nevada has all that casino money and tons of deserts to hide in, but California has all those Los Angeles freaks, plus Alcatraz. I call it even.

If a bubble floated out of the sky and popped on top of your head, would you freak out looking around for other bubbles, or would you just put your hands on your hips, bend back at the waist and laugh long and loud at your good luck that day because the bubble didn’t land on your erect penis?

When you squat down to talk to a friendly peacock about their day and to check on their family, just to see how little Billy is doing in school, do you ever wonder how you learned so much about this peacock and his family from just crudely written notes in peacock language?

How often do you spin in a tight circle and finish by thrusting your index finger straight up in the air triumphantly while shouting “WOO!”? Really, that much? Maybe you should cut down on those 10 cups of coffee a day; you sound a little nuts.

How about this time, we don’t forget the gravy?