Q and A

I’ve been away for a while, it is true. I just got back from a fact finding tour of Las Vegas. I found so many facts. So many. All of the facts revolve around prostitution, autoerotic asphyxiation, prisoner’s rights and jailhouse etiquette. I won’t bore you with the details.

I thought it would be a good idea to reintroduce myself with a little Q and A session I recently did with Anderson Cooper of CNN. He was gracious enough to sit and interview me for 17 hours at my request. He fell asleep a few times but I just sprayed him with “water” to wake him back up again.

Quotes? What quotes? Around the word water? I don’t see any quotes there. You must be crazy. I sprayed him with water (wink, wink).

What wink? Stop making shit up.

I took down the transcript of the entire 17 hour conversation and whittled it down to a select few highlights.

Cooper: You have been called by many “The male equivalent of Liza Minelli”. Explain please.

M.O.M: Well Anderson, male is really a subjective term, you see what I mean? Are you male?

Cooper: Yes.

M.O.M: Well I’m sure I could find someone who says you are female. Who is right really? Who has the authority to make that call? Are you God?

Cooper: No I am not God. And a doctor has that authority.

M.O.M.: Well, when a doctor rolls up in here to check my Division Symbol then I guess we’ll know for sure.

Cooper: Division symbol?

M.O.M: My genitalia. I call it ‘Division Symbol’. One line separating two circles? Liza Minelli calls my genitals “Finger of God” hence the comparison. Next question.

Cooper: Roger Clemens implicated you in the recent steroid scandal that has rocked Major League Baseball. Were you involved in any way?

M.O.M: Andy, I can’t really talk much about this topic due to pending litigation. I will say this though: Roger Clemens had peanut-sized testicles long before he ever shot himself with that stuff. Don’t ask how I know, I just know.

Cooper: Can we get some of the crazier rumors out of the way that have been written about you?

M.O.M: Please do. I am an open book.

Cooper: One blogger wrote that you are actually 256 years old and immortal.

M.O.M: Two words: *leaning forward until nose touches Anderson Cooper’s nose* Russian. Dracula.

Cooper: *visibly shaken* Uh… Another reporter claims that she once found you naked and weeping at the foot of your bed while reading a Barbeque restaurant menu.

M.O.M: There was a *clears throat* ah, there was a 2 for 1 special *composing himself* 2 for 1...*pausing for 10 minutes while brushing tears from his eyes* Move on, can we move on? Next question?

Cooper: President Obama once punched you in the ribs.

M.O.M: True.

Cooper: Can you elaborate?

M.O.M: I can, but I will not. I will say that “Quartigont” is not a word in Scrabble or any other god damned place. If Obama is reading this he knows what I’m talking about. *raising voice* QUARTIGONT!

Cooper: Mother Theresa once collapsed your windpipe with a round kick.

M.O.M: That is not true. It was a front kick. She was a sweet woman, but a mean drunk.

Cooper: One more we can maybe put to rest: You once stared a man to death.

M.O.M: Unfortunately, that one is most definitely true.

Cooper: What happened?

M.O.M: It was at work. Raining outside. Windy. Someone came up to me, a Monday I believe it was, and asked me a question. *pauses to collect himself* I turned in my chair and said ‘What did you just say to me?’ I remember it like it was yesterday. He said: ‘Looks like you got a haircut this weekend? Did you just get the one hair cut or did you have the barber cut all of them?’ It took about two minutes from start to finish. I stared into his soul. His toothy smile turned to a straight line, then a frown. Then he was gone. I can’t really talk about it. Don’t ask me questions on Monday. What day is today?

Cooper: Tuesday

M.O.M: Well, it’s your lucky day Coop. *stares*

Cooper: If extraterrestrial life exists, and you could say one thing to them, what would you say?

M.O.M: Quartigont.

Cooper: Quartigont.

M.O.M: Yes. I owe Obama an apology. Not only is that a word that is THE word. You see what I’m saying? That is the only word that accurately sums up the human spirit and at the same time would put the fear of God into those invading alien bastards. You see?

Cooper: I’m not following you.

M.O.M: And why would you?

Cooper: I think that wraps up our interview here. On behalf of CNN, I’m Anderson Cooper. Goodnight.