During our 4th of July festivities yesterday, the
topic of pest control came up since at any given moment our heads were
surrounded by a swarm of gnats making us all look like walking mushroom clouds.
The conversation went exactly like
this. Exactly like this.
Me: *waving casually
at a pesky gnat* Wouldn’t it be grand if we could come up with a sort of
permanent solution to rid ourselves of these bothersome little bug friends?
Brother-In-Law: That
would be most welcome!
Me: Indeed!
*clinking our tea cups together*
I took down some of the top solutions and came up with a few
of my own. Hopefully you find this list
helpful this summer. Note: None of these methods have been tested by
professionals. Lawsuits are most
unwelcome.
n
In a five gallon bucket, combine the following:
o Urine
(does not have to be your own)
o Feces
o Rotten
eggs
o Sweat
o Green
Tea
o Strip
naked and pour the mixture over your head.
Then run through your yard screaming “Victory or Death!” as loud as
possible. The bugs will surely be
intimidated by your dominance and vacate the premises. Also do this in your neighbor’s yards as they
are most likely plagued by the same bug infestation.
n
Screaming mad laughter. It is a well known fact that most insects
hate the sound of merriment. Run through
your yard low to the ground and laugh heartily towards the grass.
n
Every hour light your entire lawn on fire.
n
At night, casually walk across your lawn and mention
the giant pile of dog shit you saw two streets over. Go into detail about how large and horrible smelling
it is. Bugs are nothing if not curious and
they will take the bait most assuredly. Then
move out of your house immediately. They
will never be able to track you.
n
Dress up like an abominable snowman and stomp loudly
through your flower beds. Who isn’t scared
of a Yeti? Mosquitos will go batshit crazy
trying to get out of your yard, bet your ass on that.
n
Disco. Play
“You Should Be Dancing” by the Bee Gees at top volume from all the windows of your
house. I assure you, the pests will “hustle”
their way out of your neighborhood. They
will definitely get “Saturday Night Fever” as they…run away from…disco balls. Other 70’s references.
Good luck in the age old battle against bugs and other
outdoor pests this summer. If all else
fails, just get a gun and start shooting.
Even if you hit one wasp, I think that sends a message to everyone else
right?
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