Bathroom Banter

Fun things to do when you are bored

1. In a crowded public place, turn towards a particularly large group of people, shout “Hey Joey!” and start walking toward the crowd smiling. Instead of stopping and greeting someone, just keep walking and looking into the distance saying “Joey! How are you! Wow!” until you are completely through the crowd. Just keep on walking. You would be amazed at some of the reactions you get. Some people will put their hand out as though you are going to greet them, even women who couldn’t possibly be named Joey. Some people will duck. Some will look nervous. Some will tentatively smile. Some will inexplicably look angry. It is a great experiment. Try it sometime.

2. Eat as much pudding as you can in 1 minute. The flavor isn’t important, but you better plan on having a ton of pudding at your disposal. That shit is tasty.

3. Try to balance a prostitute on your nose. Tougher than it sounds.

4. Sit on the floor with your legs straight out in front of you. Now, slowly take one foot and try to bring it up behind your head. Now slowly take your other foot and bring it behind your head also. If you made it this far, bend forward and kiss your own ass you jive turkey.

5. I am a big fan of Hospital Emergency Rooms (who isn’t? The lights, the spectacle, the music!) Walk into an emergency room very slowly looking as melancholy as possible. Speak to the nurse, and when she asks you what the problem is, tell her that Suzie broke your heart and that you were hoping a doctor could mend it. If the nurse nods knowingly and writes your name on the sign in sheet, then make sure you avoid Suzie at all costs, wherever she may be. She is obviously a whore.

6. Do Math. Do Math until your sides hurt from laughing so much.

7. Snort cocaine like no one is watching, dance like you have never been in an asylum, work like you have never been fired and live like there are approximately 354 tomorrows. I think that’s how the quote goes…

8. Call up homeland security and say in a low voice “There is a bomb in my toilet.” Wait 10 seconds and say “courtesy of Taco Bell! High Five!” Warning, you may not have time to pause 10 seconds before the hilarious punch line. Homeland doesn’t exactly have a “department of humor” if you know what I mean.

9. Lead a marching band through your local supermarket. Smash every watermelon you see with your oboe (please tell me you have an oboe). Hey, I don’t know where you can get a marching band! I’m the idea guy, do your own leg work!

10. The next time you have to renew your driver’s license, when the time comes to take your picture, jump up and try to get your ass in the frame. Then, speed home as fast as you can and hope you get pulled over by a police officer. Get ready for hilarity as the officer sees your new license! If he can stop laughing long enough, I’m sure he will pat you on the head and send you home without a ticket for being so innovative.

There, ten solid ideas for you to do the next time you are bored! Wait, I just did a top ten list. I hate top ten lists. Let me give you one more (top 11 list! Copyright, trademark):

11. Get into a crowded elevator. Say out loud very seriously, “Hey everyone, do you hear that? If you listen really closely, you can hear the ghost of Tom Jenkins telling his sad story. He used to work here until he fell down the elevator shaft and died tragically. Listen. You have to be very quiet. Shhh.” Then fart as loud as you can. Someone will probably scream in terror, but that’s OK. Ghosts are scary.

Lyric Analysis Master Class

Welcome to Lyrics Analysis Master Class where I will be your guide through the somewhat baffling world of popular music lyrics. Many modern artists embed hidden meanings and riddles in every lyric they write, forming a varied and rich tapestry of delight in their songs. In this class, I will take some excerpts from these popular songs and attempt to decipher the true meaning behind what has been written and recorded. I hope you will be enlightened by what the bards of our age are trying to tell you through song. Pencils ready...

“Sledgehammer” by Peter Gabriel

Show me round your fruitcage
'cos I will be your honey bee
Open up your fruitcage
Where the fruit is as sweet as can be

Analysis: Peter Gabriel wants to fuck a fruit cage. I can’t think of any other thing the “fruit cage” may represent, in this case.

“Viva La Vida” by Coldplay

It was the wicked and wild wind
Blew down the doors to let me in
Shattered windows and the sound of drums
People couldn't believe what I'd become

Analysis: Coldplay shit himself after an all night binge at a two dollar buffet.

“Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic” by The Police

Do I have to tell the story
Of a thousand rainy days since we first met
It's a big enough umbrella
But it's always me that ends up getting wet

Analysis: Sting’s condom broke one thousand days in a row. This represents a startling instance of all-time bad luck, even for a police officer.

“Loser” by Beck

Forces of evil in a bozo nightmare
Banned all the music with a phony gas chamber
'Cause one's got a weasel and the other's got a flag
One's got on the pole shove the other in a bag
With the rerun shows and the cocaine nose job
The daytime crap of a folksinger slob
He hung himself with a guitar string

Slap the turkey neck and it's hangin from a pigeon wing
You can't write if you can't relate
Trade the cash for the beef for the body for the hate
And my time is a piece of wax, fallin' on a termite
That's chokin on the splinters

Analysis: Self-explanatory really. Open your friggin’ ears.

“Abracadabra” by the Steve Miller Band

Every time you call my name
I heat up like a burnin' flame
Burnin' flame full of desire
Kiss me baby, let the fire get higher

Abra-abra-cadabra
I want to reach out and grab ya
Abra-abra-cadabra
Abracadabra

Analysis: Steve Miller is a Vampire Magician. An alternate take on these lyrics: Steve Miller has a faulty hearing aid that combusts upon any contact with sound.

“Back In Black” by AC/DC

'Cause I'm back
Yes, I'm back
Well, I'm back
Yes, I'm back
Well, I'm back, back
(Well) I'm back in black
Yes, I'm back in black

Well, I'm back, Yes I'm back
Well, I'm back, Yes I'm back
Well, I'm back, back
Well I'm back in black
Yes I'm back in black

hooo yeah
Ohh yeah
Yes I am
Oooh yeah, yeah Oh yeah
Back in now
Well I'm back, I'm back
Back, I'm back
Back, I'm back
Back, I'm back
Back, I'm back
Back
Back in black
Yes I'm back in black

Analysis: This is clearly a denouncement of the Marxist regime of the early ‘30s. Note the use of the color Black and how it relates to where the singer is located at the time (Back). The fact that the singer is wearing Black should not be lost on the listener as it clearly represents his attempts at cloaking his latent homosexuality in a color that is generally thought to make the wearer look “thinner” in this case meaning “less gayer”.

That will be all for today. Your homework for next class will be a 10,000 word essay on this lyric’s meaning (from The Beatles):

Yeah, you got that something
I think you'll understand
When I feel that something
I want to hold your hand

I want to hold your hand
I want to hold your hand
I want to hold your hand

Please write the essay in Latin and use at least 20 sources to back up your hypothesis. Good day to you.