Letters from Real Folks Part 3: The Search for Spock

The letters just keep coming, and I am grateful for every one of them. Not to mention the fact that most people use e-mail nowadays, but to take the time to write out a hand-written letter. That is Love. To be fair, I’m assuming you are all using your hands. Without further ado (because there has been far too much ado already) here are your letters!

Dear Sexpot,

I would love to star in one of your music videos. Do you have any plans to include more backup dancers? I can also sing a little, so if you need a singer I’m right there for you. I also LOL often which should keep everyone on set entertained.

Signed,
Antsy in Annapolis

Dear Antsy,

My last music video was an unmitigated disaster. I threw up and strained my hamstrings. Both of them. At the same time. At this time, I am cancelling all future music videos. At least ones with me in them, with no music or clothing. I’ll keep you on the shortlist for any future musical endeavors. Thanks.

Dear Fatty,

I ran straight into a brick wall at a high rate of speed. My teeth are out. My nose seems to be in a different place than yesterday, and my elbows bend the wrong way. My feet are twisty and my buttocks are sore. My left ear got all scraped up and my shoes don’t fit. My back is dislodged and my hair is parted incorrectly. My kneecaps rolled under the car and my neck is all like ‘Whaaaat?’ Can you help me?

Signed,
Concerned in Cleveland

Dear Concerned,

Step One: Get rid of that brick wall! LOL! Step Two: Everything happens for a reason; just know that God has a plan for you…as a circus freak! Oh SCHNAP! Step Three: In all seriousness, Just Dance; dance for your life you silly son of a bitch. Step Four: Changing the part of your hair is sometimes that last little tweak in your appearance that you need to make women stop spraying mace in your eyes, although the lack of teeth and displaced nose may be a few steps backward in that regard. I wish you good luck, my friend; kneecaps can go a long way once they get to rollin’.

To Whom It May Concern,

If I had to compare your blog to something, I would compare it to a swamp: A giant pool of stagnant water that smells excruciatingly horrible and is surrounded by stunted trees and exotic bugs. Good day to you, Sir.

Signed,
Indifferent in Idaho

Dear Indifferent,

If I had to compare your letter to something, I would compare it to a warm Summer day: It makes me sweat uncontrollably and run around in circles swatting awkwardly at bees that probably flew away already.

Dear Jeffrey,

We cannot continue like this. The letters must stop. The phone calls, the unsolicited genital photographs, the half hour voice mails, the balloon sculptures, the murals made out of your fingernails, the increasing amounts of dog feces on my lawn and roof and porch, all of it. Please cease and desist or my lawyers will have to become involved.

Signed,
Harassed in Harrisburg

Dear Harassed,

I find it odd that you insist on calling me Jeffrey, even though my name is not that. Definitely not. But just out of curiosity, did you see any artistic value in the fingernail murals? Not that I made them. I am not Jeffrey. But did you get the artistic meaning there? Paired with the dog feces and the balloons and the pictures? There is a thread running through all of that which would truly amaze you and I think even fill your heart with a lot of love, if you let it. Um, Jeffrey called and told me all of that. On his telephone.

Dear Writer,

I have a conundrum. What does conundrum mean? Is it a type of drum?

Signed,
Curious in Caracas

Dear Curious,

You raise an excellent point here. The word ‘conundrum’ from the Latin ‘con-in-drum-us’ which means ‘with drums there is loud’ leads us to believe that the Spaniards had it right when they said “Conundrums, me no like it.” That being said, not for nothing and so forth, when all is said and done and we arrive at our conclusion, the best bet is to understand. I hope I cleared this up for you.

Dear Helpy Helperson,

I could use your help. I find myself engaged to be married to a hedgehog (long story, LOL). I wish to end this engagement immediately for a variety of reasons. The main reason being that he is a mean SOB. He drinks and calls me horrible names and tried to knife me once. How do I gracefully end this relationship?

Signed,
Desperate in Dallas

Dear Desperate,

Of all the “I’m engaged to a hedgehog” letters I get, this one concerns me the most. Are you giving him a fair shot? Maybe the knife was supposed to be a bouquet of flowers? Maybe he drinks because he is embarrassed about being a hedgehog? What I’m saying is, give him a chance to redeem himself. Hedgehogs are notorious drinkers, but they make up for it in loyalty and love. Plus they look cute in Christmas cards. Don’t give up hope, my little dumpling. Love will find a way.