Urgent Questions: Volume 8

Does this midget make my ass look big?

Did you ever pull into the fast lane on the highway and just hope to God that your car goes faster than the speed of light so you can time travel and go back to this morning when you ate a cold piece of pizza with Oreos and sardines on it (you may or may not have been high) and sit down and have a heart to heart with yourself about eating ridiculous crap, and what effect that has on the bowels of a human being?

Have you ever met Tom Foolery? Doesn’t he just annoy the crap out of you?

Have you ever gotten dressed up for Halloween like a scary ghost, moaning and howling while running around waving your white sheet at everyone only to find that it isn’t Halloween, it’s April 15th, and the accountant doing your taxes is about to leave due to “excessive silliness and general no-goodery”? My accountant uses that word, so I know it’s real, thank you.

If Count Chocula bit you and turned you into a chocolate vampire, would you have chocolate milk running through your veins? Of course you wouldn’t, everyone knows there is no such thing as chocolate milk, or veins.

When you wake up in the morning, do you climb out of bed and greet the new day with open arms, whistling a happy tune and skipping into the bathroom to brush your teeth, or do you roll over and try to get some extra sleep before the hooker wakes up asking for her “damn money, sucka”?

Which came first: the B-52’s or the gay?

When you grow up, do you want to be a fireman, or just taller than you are now?

If a cartoon bird lands on your shoulder in the morning singing a sweet morning song, do you sing back, or do you stop drop and roll, hoping to crush it before it pecks your eyes out after lulling you into a false sense of complacency?

If one third of my pancakes are missing in the morning, will the other two thirds get dumped on your head for calling me “Fatty Morningcakes”?