Monday, August 2, 2010

Quick Hits

I decided today, after many long hours of contemplation, that I am a “torso man”. I love a long torso; at least a 3:1 torso to leg ratio.

Please post your ratios so I know what I’m dealing with here.

My wife has an amazing ratio, which is why I married her of course. No other reason. It’s important, OK? If your ratio is sub-standard, there are many stretching exercises you can do. Work on your ratios.

One of the first questions on my submission form for my summer camp is “What torso:leg ratio are you, and are you planning on lengthening that ratio in the near future”.

Don’t be left out in the dark with a weird head-connected-directly-to-legs body.


I was recently on a family vacation in a scenic location with a touristy town-type area. While walking through this touristy area, I walked past a bar that had an altercation in progress. The owner of the bar was in the process of kicking out a kid that looked at least 4-5 years underage to be drinking anything other than Apple Juice. The conflict rapidly got heated and the last thing I saw was the kid grabbing his balls and exclaiming over and over again:

“I’m from QUEENS! I’m from QUEENS! You don’t know what you dealin’ with! I’m from QUEENS!”

I immediately grabbed my balls and was about to exclaim:

“I’m from JERSEY! Garden State Bitch! I’m from JERSEY! You don’t know what you dealin’ with either! NEW JERSEY TURNPIKE!”

In reality, I was shivering in a garbage can for fear of getting punched in the kidneys. Plus my balls hurt because I was holding them too tight.


Lindsay Lohan got out of jail today.

You can exhale now.

She was in tears for the entire two weeks of her 90-day sentence because the Starbucks barista in her cell didn’t know how to make a Double-Venti Frappa-Whappa. Charles Manson has been crying about the same thing for over thirty years, so this is a common prisoner complaint, I suppose. Plus, the cocaine in her daily celebrity packet was low-grade Colombian instead of the good stuff.

Stay in school, y’all.


I used to play soccer as much as possible (football for anyone outside the U.S.). Lately, I look more like a soccer ball than David Beckham, but I’m starting to get back into shape (the shape of a Beach Ball OH SCHNAP!)

Running is a very uninteresting pastime. Running on a treadmill is the most uninteresting of all activities. Have you heard of this thing? It is a machine, really. A machine that has a big rubber band that




I mean, stop going already! I’m sweating like Moses here! I tried running outside, but the hills! And the weather? Oy Vey!

To mix it up, I tried running on all fours like dogs do, but I quickly found out that dogs are better at it than me. I also freaked the fuck out of my neighbors when I came shuffling past their driveway on all fours and sans-clothing (that’s French for ‘sexy as hell’).


Five Four things I want to accomplish this week (knocked something off the list this morning already):

1. Lengthen torso.
2. Write a letter to my congressman regarding my proposal to have all rain clouds seeded with Skittles. If they can do it in the commercials, they can do it in New Jersey.
3. Assassinate Snooki. Did you know Snooki is making more money per year than all teachers in New Jersey combined? Hurray! If you see your 11 year old daughters sizing up ill-fitting one-piece bathing suits and spray-on tanner, detonate your television with all the explosives you can find. Thank me later.
4. Bedazzle Scrotum.
5. Karate moves in public on my way to see my therapist. Don’t mess with the bull, son; you’ll get the horns.

5 reaction(s)::

The mad woman behind the blog said...

You reach for great heights and sir, you've exceeded them once again.

I wonder if I can get my husband to bedazzle his junk. That would be sweet!

Please write a letter to your congressman to ban Snooki, PLEASE...and then send me some bleach for my eyes.


livesbythewoods said...

I'd never thought of the "running like a dog" method, it's an excellent idea. I think you could patent it and then open up a chain of animal-stylee gyms. With monkey bars.

aladdinsane12 said...

oh my f-ing god. dan actually has a t-shirt of that gangsta photo. for real.

ANYWAYS, you should have popped on you brass knuckles (you know you have 'em), slipped in your gold grill (you've got one of those, too!) and then just slowly walked up to the kid and said, "what now?" then kick him in the balls and run away screaming.

you would love my torso. i don't even HAVE legs, actually. i just hop on a skateboard, grab two ski poles, and i'm off!

Missed Periods said...

Just a thought: if you bedazzled your scrotum, maybe the weight of the bedazled scrotum would lengthen your torso.

Marie said...

Geez Louise, you had to have been in Seaside! It certainly wasn't Ocean Grove, that's for sure. All their ball grabbers are from Pennsylvania, I'm almost positive.

I would like Gone With the Wind in public on my way to see my therapist. I'll have to work on that.

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