Book of T-Bone: Verse 30, Chapter 3

On the 12th day of the 12th month in the 12th year after the equinox rises over the hills of the sun king, you will text “LOL” to your brother and then despair at your laziness. You could have easily called him, laughed out loud, and hung up the phone. Whatever happened to personal contact? Amen and Godspeed, lightning-fingers.

Holiday PSA

And now, a public service announcement:

In this holiday time of giving and charity, you should know a little something about the country you live in.

There are people suffering. Right now. Right down the street from where I live. Maybe right down the street from where you live, in your neighborhood. In your community.

There are over ten million babies with no parents to watch over them in the greater DC Metro area.

Ten million.

Someone, not me because I’m very busy, but someone needs to get down there right away and get them the hell out of there, chop chop. They are just pissing and shitting all over the commuters. Pissing and shitting and shitting and pissing all over the commuters and the shoppers. It is like the worst possible hell you could imagine. The smell! Lord almighty! And the crying? You can’t even imagine. All the people at Starbucks are puking all over the place. I mean pissing and shitting and snot and crying like you wouldn’t believe. The people shopping can’t even move without stepping on fat little babies toes or slipping and falling in just rivers of piss and baby shit.

Please, do what you can this holiday season. Thank you.

Book of Zuckercorn: Verse 9, Chapter 20

The angels searched low and high for a suitable replacement for Oprah. They reached the highest mountaintops and the lowest valleys of heaven and still no one could be found. Finally, a tiny angel stood and said “Let it be me.” The angels thought long and hard about this and asked many questions:


“Will you give away free things?”
“Will you cause housewives to faint at the mere mention of said free things?”
“Will you pompously declare things?”
“Will you allow your weight to fluctuate by 200 pounds regularly?”
“Will you say the names of books which will then inexplicably cause 10 billion people to try to purchase those books?”
“Will you demand that clothing stores be closed when you are nearby so that you can shop for said clothes in peace?”
“Will you interview book authors who fabricate their words and then treat them as though they caused the earth to spin off of its axis even though all they did was cause you to look foolish?”

“Yes, I will,” said the tiny angel.

“It is settled. The new Oprah has been crowned,” said the angels and there was much rejoicing. Then, God came down from his heavenly throne and said, “You know, I was never really keen on the whole Oprah thing in the first place. No-prah.” He then rose back to his throne to leave the angels confused but resolved. The tiny angel shrugged and went back to do whatever tiny angels do. The rest of the angles were secretly relieved because they didn’t really “get” the whole Oprah thing either. Praise God and his infinite Oprah wisdom.