Commencement Address

I have been contacted by Harvard University to give the Commencement Address at their 2010 graduation ceremony. I naturally declined at first due to prior commitments (eating, sleeping, slapping old ladies for sassin’ me and fudge). After hours of agonizing thought (sleep) I finally relented and over the past few months I’ve been working on my first draft. Here is what I have so far:

Dear Graduates,

I stand before you today because sitting would make me invisible behind this podium. Then it would seem like you were being addressed by a talking piece of wood. But enough about the Italian puppet Pinocchio! *pause for raucous laughter and standing ovation* I am humbled by the level of intelligence contained in the crowd of people sitting in front of me. It makes me want to belittle you in any way I can think of. I will most likely pick on your clothing or your hair styles. This will make me feel like a smarter and better person than you. Do not worry; you will get the same treatment in the real world.

Now that I have brought it up, let us talk about this ‘real world’ that you have consistently been threatened with as you reach the end of your college careers. No, not the Real World on the MTV television channel! *pause for gales of laughter, joyful hoots and suggestive catcalls* I am talking about the real world that we all live in and that you will soon be joining. This is a real world where you can succeed if you set your mind to it. Take me for example: I started writing a humble blog a year ago, and now I have over six hundred million readers every second and a successful line of baby rainwear *pause for swelling applause and standing ovation* You may be asking yourself ‘Can I one day design tiny raincoats and floppy hats made out of waterproof material?’ No, you cannot, because that would be a patent violation punishable by law with mandatory prison time.

The real world is a scary place. There is no ‘beer pong’ in the real world. If you ask someone in the real world to play beer pong with you, you’ll get a black eye for your trouble and a night in jail. There is no ‘marijuana’ in the real world either (to my knowledge). Real world folk get high on love and understanding! There is no such thing as ‘sex with strangers’ in the real world. You most likely will not have sex at all, and if you are lucky enough to actually have sex with someone, it will be someone you know very well who will hate you. *pause for another standing ovation*

You think you know it all right now, and some of you actually might, right Harold? *shield your eyes like you are looking for ‘Harold’ in the crowd. Risky, but chances are that there will be a complete spaz named Harold who knows everything. Pause for knowing laughter from Harold’s friends* From the looks of some of you, you may know everything on Earth and some Saturn stuff too. Let me tell you, all of the knowledge in all of the books in every library on this planet will not help you in the real world. You must work on your fighting skills. Karate is a start, but you must be trained in weapons. Bow weapons, staff weapons, projectiles. Arm yourselves well, because the people you meet outside of the safety of Harvard will all be gunning for you. Even now, as you sit in those chairs, there are seventy five snipers surrounding you with their sights trained on your knowledge filled heads. Will Calculus save you now? Will 18th century American Literature shield you from the Grim Reaper? Will Short Story Analysis keep you alive when a bullet tears through your Harvard-y brains? Death is knocking. Will you deny him? Will you live to see the end of this speech? *pause for effect (10 minutes minimum)*

But hey, the real world can be fun too! They have amusement parks! *pause for delighted laughter* Ice cream socials! *pause for joyfulness* Work release programs! *standing ovation probable* I don’t want to get too ‘doom and gloom’ here, but there are some other things you have to look out for. I care about each and every one of you and I want to make sure you are prepared when you leave this campus. The single most dangerous thing you will have to face in the real world is bee stings. Those fuckers are fast and resilient and really really pissed off. Your best bet is to run everywhere you go and stay really low. Don’t drive with your windows open and keep some type of flame thrower with you. Contrary to popular belief, Doctor Schitzhammer *look over at Doctor Schitzhammer with a comical expression* bees are not flame-retardant! *pause for standing ovation while Doctor Schitzhammer feigns embarrassment (NOTE: Embarrassment may be real)*

There are at least twenty five to thirty other things you need to fear in the real world, but my time is short. I want to leave you on a positive note. *sing a high C note and hold it for 5 minutes* Good luck with your post-college lives. This is the time for you to join the rich tapestry of failure that eighty percent of you will experience when looking for a job. Now is the time to stand up and say ‘YES I MIGHT!’ Here is your chance to run headlong into the brick wall of ‘5 years experience minimum required’! The time is now to stride confidently into the job market and get your genitals whacked off by the long blade of the U.S. Economy!

Thank you and I leave you now with this time-honored quote from William Shakespeare: Yale sucks! *pause for thunderous ovation*